tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16324825279860018342024-03-13T22:06:14.907-07:00Servitude: One pet's JourneyLilikkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02369646866452427758noreply@blogger.comBlogger311125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1632482527986001834.post-77325276780450776582009-12-31T12:39:00.000-08:002009-12-31T12:41:17.549-08:00New BlogI've been gone a while. Things have been up and down, but the greatest news of all is that Master has said I am no longer in training and am now ready to be his full-time submissive! And although I'm still required to blog, I thought it would be better to start fresh. You can find the new blog <a href="http://submissivesuccubus.blogspot.com">here</a> if you're still interested in following me on my journey.<br /><br />Thank you all for the past year of support.Lilikkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02369646866452427758noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1632482527986001834.post-68997111524704395972009-11-29T22:15:00.000-08:002009-11-29T22:34:20.227-08:00Can't sleep. Something earlier today triggered my memories of when my ex-husband raped me. It only happened once, but i never worked through it, so it sometimes still haunts me. A lot of time, i still feel it's my fault, even though i know in my head it's not. my heart doesn't feel it, though.<br /><br />Of course, he denied it when i brought it up later, when i first left him. He doesn't see that it was rape. As far as he's concerned, my "duty" as his wife was to have sex whenever he wanted it, despite how i felt. But when someone says no, and you do it anyway, it's rape.<br /><br />The worst part is, he <span style="font-style: italic;">knew</span> that was my biggest fear, especially after seeing my mom raped at gunpoint when i was a child. And for him to deny that it happened, it's almost as if i just imagined it. But i can still see it so vividly in my mind. i don't want to get into the details, not in such a public space, but it was horrible. The thing that haunts me the most is that, after it was over and he had spent his load on me, he put his clothes on and walked out of the room, leaving me there, naked and vulnerable. It was the single most degrading thing i have ever endured in my life.<br /><br />Even now, over five years later, i still get horrible dreams, sometimes of Master doing the same thing. i don't have any reason to believe he would ever do anything like that to me, but it scares me. i don't ever want to be that dehumanized again.<br /><br />It's really difficult for me to talk about this. But i just need to get it out because if i keep holding it in, it won't go anywhere. And, really, i don't want response to this. It's not a cry for help or for attention. i just want to get it off my chest. i don't want this to change how people see me, because i'm still me, whether this is known or not. i guess that's why i'm so scared of sharing it with the world. Because the few people i have told it to, nearly all of them treated me differently after.<br /><br />i can't stop shaking. i think i just need some warm milk, some calming music, and sleep.Lilikkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02369646866452427758noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1632482527986001834.post-1305576587290544522009-11-21T18:33:00.000-08:002009-11-21T18:37:41.091-08:00People never cease to amaze me. Just when i'm feeling like utter crap, both physically and mentally, the world shows me how wonderful its inhabitants can be. Not only did Master and i have a very important talk and he reassured me that he will stand by my decision, but just when i was feeling unloved and unwanted, others comforted me when i whined about feeling ill.<br /><br />i guess my bad moods really can be ridiculous at times. Not that i ever really doubted that, but still.<br /><br />Either way, i think an early bed ought to be in order for tonight. i'll talk to Master about it once he's out of the shower.Lilikkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02369646866452427758noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1632482527986001834.post-61456055215566361182009-11-20T21:15:00.001-08:002009-11-20T21:19:15.140-08:00Today has been pretty rough. i've been easily overwhelmed by everything and i feel worthless. i know Master wouldn't want to hear that, but i can't really help how i feel in this matter. i think it's also PMDD, partially. It's the right time of the month to be feeling like this, at any rate, though i hate blaming my bad moods on something biological and not taking accountability for my own feelings.<br /><br />i can tell Master has been trying to make sure i keep my stress reduced today. And i do appreciate it, but at the same time, i don't know if i enjoy feeling like he's... coddling me, i guess. i want him to treat me as normal as possible, especially when i'm like this. It really helps me feel as though right now is any other time. But i know that he does it because he doesn't want me to get even more anxious and stressed. And i appreciate it, even if i don't always agree with it.Lilikkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02369646866452427758noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1632482527986001834.post-81390319427328994832009-11-19T21:29:00.001-08:002009-11-19T21:31:54.391-08:00i feel a bit of a bitch today. Though i know it would be morally better to accept the apology, i feel as if i just can't. i'm too angry, and Master's integrity was insulted. She's really quite lucky it wasn't in person she said this, or i would have slapped her, though it might upset Master to hear that.<br /><br />In more pleasant news, Master and i both had eerily similar dreams today. i want to work towards what we saw in our dreams, as it's something that i've been desiring for a long time. It would be quite wonderful to be able to be fully open with our kinks and our lifestyle and not have people judge us. Unfortunately, i just don't think that society as a whole is ready for that.<br /><br />Also, it seems as though i've found some projects to undertake for myself. It will be fun to see if i can pull them off.Lilikkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02369646866452427758noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1632482527986001834.post-36063981252927895662009-11-18T20:22:00.000-08:002009-11-18T20:28:15.173-08:00Things have been so nice lately. There is a decided lack of drama that i'm finding absolutely delicious. Of course, this may also mean it's a bit <span style="font-style: italic;">boring</span> at times, but i'd rather have boredom than drama any day of the week!<br /><br />Master and i have seemed to develop quite a mind sync and we're discovering that the distance isn't dampening its effects. We often have similar thoughts at the same time. It's interesting, since i've never had this closeness with anyone. i honestly think that the drama has only served to bring us closer, since we're a partnership and we work together.<br /><br />my brain really isn't thinking well enough to write anything worth a damn right now :TLilikkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02369646866452427758noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1632482527986001834.post-72804619612371413652009-11-17T21:30:00.000-08:002009-11-17T21:35:23.109-08:00So things are a bit more worked out between Master and i. i'm just glad things remain unchanged between the two of us, despite the bad situation that happened last night. A cooling off period will probably be the best thing.<br /><br />i guess what hurt me so badly about the situation isn't so much how it affected me, but the implications that it had on Master's integrity as Master. He is the one who decides how much and when the affection will come. If he isn't showing as much affection towards me or anyone else, that's because he has his reasons not to and he should be trusted. Or, if it's that necessary, it should be brought up to him, not to a third party.<br /><br />And that, i think, is the true rub of it all. i trusted Master enough to know that he would show me love and affection when he felt it needed to be shown, but she couldn't handle that. i'm sure she wanted Master all to herself, but the connection between Master and i is soul-deep and that's not something that someone else can take away.Lilikkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02369646866452427758noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1632482527986001834.post-11451207153710648992009-11-16T21:49:00.000-08:002009-11-16T21:54:04.920-08:00Things got... complicated today. i don't really want to talk too much about it, other than the fact that i'm relieved i'm not the cause of it for once.<br /><br />And i'm also convinced i can't be friends with females for the most part. i tend to make many feel insecure or jealous and that's not something i tend to be very comfortable with. i don't mean to sound conceited, honestly.<br /><br />Ugh, i'm not really mentally up for anything else tonight. It's almost curfew anyway.Lilikkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02369646866452427758noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1632482527986001834.post-11688870544576554052009-11-15T21:01:00.000-08:002009-11-15T21:05:35.215-08:00Thank you all for the congratulations about our engagement! It means a lot to know that so many people wish us well.<br /><br />Since then, i've been thinking a lot about the relationship between Master and myself. It's been interesting, to say the least. We've been together for the past three years and, while this hasn't been my longest relationship, it's certainly the most fulfilling. i've never felt so loved by anyone before, even while he's directing me to follow his orders (or, perhaps, i feel even more loved because of it?).<br /><br />And we seem to keep adding new dimensions to it all the time. But it all works and only ever serves to enhance what we have, even if most people just wouldn't understand it.Lilikkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02369646866452427758noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1632482527986001834.post-71835685268876241052009-11-14T19:23:00.000-08:002009-11-14T19:28:00.559-08:00It's been... strange adjusting to Master being gone. While we do have the internet as a medium in which to converse, i miss his presence.<br /><br />But i've also come to realize just how much i'm ready to make a big step in my life. Master asked me to marry him and i've accepted. i want this so much more than anything else that i can possibly think of. And even though my last marriage was a disaster, i know it will be different with Master.<br /><br />And, what's more, i have everyone's blessing this time around! My mom doesn't even mind that it means i'll be moving out of the country eventually. She knows that, with Master, i'll be safe and taken care of. That's a huge relief to me, since she never cared for my ex. And i could see why, but i was trying too hard to escape the life i was in with my father around to really care.<br /><br />But this time, i'm marrying Master for the right reasons, not just because i want an escape. And that, i know, will make all the difference in the world.Lilikkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02369646866452427758noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1632482527986001834.post-50397745545374739832009-11-13T19:41:00.000-08:002009-11-13T19:43:56.480-08:00Going to definitely have to start this back up now that Master isn't here. It helps me feel more connected to him.<br /><br />He left this morning. It was one of the most heart breaking things i've ever had to do. i learned so much about myself in the short time that he was here. It's honestly quite a bit crazy to really sit back and think about it. Not only do i feel stronger as a person, i truly feel that i've accomplished more as Master's pet than i could have ever hoped for.<br /><br />But what kills me more than anything right now is not being able to lean over and give him a back rub or massage his feet. my hands long for something, anything, to do with Master, so i figured that writing here would be the best for it, since this is also serving Master. i just hope he knows how much his pet thinks about him.Lilikkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02369646866452427758noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1632482527986001834.post-3207864085637983112009-11-06T19:34:00.000-08:002009-11-06T19:38:59.836-08:00It's been awhile.Master hasn't pushed me to blog since he's been here. We've mostly been trying to explore each other and our dynamic and find what works.<br /><br />What i'm personally having difficulty with is accepting and realizing just how much Master truly loves me. Never before have i encountered anyone who is as accepting and loving to me as he is. When i thought that he was embarrassed to be with me, he just held me and explained how he is never embarrassed. i don't know.<br /><br />This is all so new to me. As much as i hate to admit it, i've been through a lot of abuse in my life. So when someone is kind to me, i really have no idea how to react. It's pretty stupid, i think.<br /><br />So i'll try to catch up on comments and start blogging again. i think if i had done it this past week, things would have been a lot less... overwhelming.Lilikkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02369646866452427758noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1632482527986001834.post-44227596863142729022009-10-30T23:43:00.001-07:002009-10-30T23:46:18.841-07:00Today has been wonderful in every sense of the word. We went out to the mall today to do some shopping. Master spoiled me completely, which i felt badly for, but as he said, "I haven't spoiled you for a year, let me do it for today." So, of course, i didn't complain and just enjoyed.<br /><br />But it truly makes me happy at how much of a family we are, Master, the imp and i. And i even got to show Master how well i've been working on my service skills during dinner and how i was able to get the food and drinks to everyone without missing a beat. i think he was impressed. Or, at least, i hope he was.<br /><br />i just want to continue soaking up all this wonderful time with Master, because i know it will be over all too soon...Lilikkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02369646866452427758noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1632482527986001834.post-2055522255733159692009-10-29T21:18:00.001-07:002009-10-29T21:38:53.876-07:00Today has been one of the better days in recent memory. Master arrived at about 11 and we got back to the house for lunch. He informed me that formal training will begin tomorrow, so we were able to relax in each other's company. And relax we did.<br /><br />Honestly, waiting a year for sex, while not an enjoyable year, made sex the first time in a year the most memorable. It was like everything was new all over again, though i still retained all the experience i've gleaned over the years. The way he felt inside of me again felt as if everything was exactly as it should be. As ridiculous as it is to admit, i teared up when he entered me.<br /><br />But i am excited that tomorrow is the start of my training. It's one thing that i've been waiting for. But i trust Master to get me there at the time he feels is best.Lilikkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02369646866452427758noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1632482527986001834.post-18753240699509469872009-10-28T19:27:00.000-07:002009-10-28T19:35:27.405-07:00My formal training begins tomorrow and i'm so excited that i can't contain myself. Unfortunately, it feels like my ear infection is back in full force. At least i'm not the one supposed to be flying this time, since i would end up grounded. As it is, i just feel like crawling into bed right now, hoping that tomorrow arrives faster. But at the same time, i really want to spend as much time with Master as I can before curfew.<br /><br />i'm so curious as to how things are going to work between the two of us. As it is, this is going to be one of the most interesting times of my life yet to come. i can't wait!Lilikkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02369646866452427758noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1632482527986001834.post-72749740827194764102009-10-27T19:44:00.000-07:002009-10-27T19:49:57.477-07:00This month isn't a great month for my PMDD. i've found myself getting overwhelmed with the littlest provocation. And i'm not really sure why, other than it's just the crazy hormone problems that come along with PMDD.<br /><br />Even with as bad as this is, it's still not going to get as bad as back in August. i will not be making a return trip to that hospital, even if it means i have to work harder to find ways to make things work. i can't end up back there.<br /><br />And, although i wouldn't allow it yesterday, i will admit today that i'm awfully proud of myself for what i didn't do yesterday. Though every instinct told me to do something to hurt myself, i resisted it. i haven't been able to do that since i started self injuring over 10 years ago. That's a big step and i have to keep moving forward.Lilikkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02369646866452427758noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1632482527986001834.post-63985654542545706732009-10-26T19:36:00.000-07:002009-10-26T20:52:12.514-07:00Meditation Mondayi'm trying something slightly different today. My brain wasn't thinking well at first, so i'm had Master help me answer the first few questions. He provided the main answer, while i worked at expanding on them.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br />Today, i have served Master by</span> willingly submitting to Master in my times of weakness and trusting in his ability to help me. Right now, i'm in the middle of being overwhelmed by PMDD, often blowing things out of proportion. i don't often admit when i need help, even to Master, but tonight i did. To Master, this shows a commitment to my goal of complete submission and to him as my Master.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Tomorrow, i can further serve Master by </span>expressing myself more openly and discussing my goals and desires in my submission to Master so we can reach the potential i have and the desires i thirst for. This is going to be a bit difficult for me, because i'm not used to opening up, but if it will help me serve Master, i certainly will do my best.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">One thing that can help with my servitude is </span>trusting in my abilities, instincts, desires and my True Self, as well as revealing my True Self to Master. i often have a bad habit of hiding away, even from myself, so i would be able to serve Master better if i stopped hiding and just trusted my True Self.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">my goal in serving Master is</span> to continue to fully trust myself. By Master placing trust in me, it shows me that i am worthy of that trust and i will eventually learn to trust myself. This is probably the hardest lesson of all i've had to learn, not just in my submission to Master, but in my life in general.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Through my service, i hope to learn</span> how to appreciate things better. Tonight, i did something that i was proud of, but there was a part of me that wouldn't allow myself to appreciate that, so the moment felt spoiled and i no longer wished to even acknowledge what i had done. This is self destructive and unhealthy and i wish to change it because, not only will it help me, it will help Master as well.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">A moment in my life that lead to my servitude was </span>the first time i had discovered consensual submission/slavery. i don't know why, but i never imagined such a thing was possible, but it truly appealed to me in a way few things ever have. It was like discovering that part of me that had felt empty was now filled with ideas and yearnings that i finally understood.Lilikkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02369646866452427758noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1632482527986001834.post-5885581454265504112009-10-25T20:57:00.000-07:002009-10-25T21:00:01.535-07:00i started cleaning today, though it's not finished. But even if Master arrives and the room is in the shape it's in, it's enough for us to live with. It doesn't have to be sparkling, which is good because i still don't feel well enough to really do much of anything.<br /><br />i'm reminded a lot of when i was younger and how badly i was affected by ear infections. My body is not very good at fighting them off, nor are my ears equipped like a normal person's. My Eustachian tubes are misshapen, so that fluid behind the ear drum doesn't drain properly, continuing the ear infection for many weeks past when it ought to have been cleared up.<br /><br />Perhaps i'm thinking too much. This is, after all, only the second day i've been on medication. But i keep thinking about how i've had a single ear infection last for months, even up to a year, and i'm paranoid that this might not heal the way it should.Lilikkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02369646866452427758noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1632482527986001834.post-46207878121184047912009-10-24T20:03:00.000-07:002009-10-24T20:18:26.232-07:00Feeling a bit better today. Even still, Master gave me a pass on most of my tasks for today, though i'm still trying very hard to get it done.<br /><br />The time is getting closer to when Master arrives. He's starting to get anxious, and i just don't know how to help him feel better. He says that it's normal and it happens every time, but it's a bit reassuring to know that he's nervous about being here with me as i am being with him. It shows me how much he cares that he's nervous to be around me.Lilikkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02369646866452427758noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1632482527986001834.post-33990101712560577202009-10-23T19:06:00.001-07:002009-10-23T19:12:18.756-07:00So i do, indeed have an ear infection. It's been difficult trying to complete tasks while i've been sick, but i got them done. Of course, it helps that Master hasn't pushed me hard yet. But i'm sure that will change a bit when he comes out here and we work on things together. We've never really worked through what's truly expected of each other in our dynamic. i know that's a bit silly to not have done until now, but everything has been at a distance. Now that we're getting closer to being physically together all the time, it's time to really sit down and hash things out.<br /><br />i'm not going to lie; i'm a bit nervous about it all. i worry that i'm going to let Master down. i know i've said this far too many times, but it's a big fear for me. i really don't want him to feel let down by me. But i'm sure all this will be worked out before too long.Lilikkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02369646866452427758noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1632482527986001834.post-85858817045568990292009-10-22T21:00:00.000-07:002009-10-22T21:03:08.527-07:00i haven't felt very submissive lately. It's not that i don't do what Master has asked or completed my tasks, but it doesn't feel like it's actually <span style="font-style: italic;">useful</span> in any way. Master insists that it's to help me learn, so all i can do is trust him and believe that it is useful.<br /><br />Maybe it's because i suspect i have an ear infection and i don't feel up to my best. It's strange, but it seems like i only feel truly submissive when i'm at 100%. i just don't get it.Lilikkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02369646866452427758noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1632482527986001834.post-73361127876765960542009-10-21T20:44:00.000-07:002009-10-21T20:51:44.611-07:00i feel so out of energy lately. Nothing has gotten done, at least not to the level i would like it to be. What's worse is that i believe i'm coming down with an ear infection. i haven't had one in years, but i don't have hearing in my left ear right now. i just hope that there's a way that Master can still communicate with me if i ever lose my hearing completely.<br /><br />That's a big concern of mine, especially since i've known since i was young that i would probably lose my hearing before i get to 40. i've contemplated learning American Sign Language, but i feel a bit intimidated. i'm already fluent in two spoken languages and i don't know how difficult it would be for me to learn another, non-verbal language. i can finger spell, but that feels so childish.<br /><br />Master and i are definitely going to have a lot to discuss this trip.Lilikkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02369646866452427758noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1632482527986001834.post-73187771008718133472009-10-20T20:21:00.000-07:002009-10-20T20:41:46.035-07:00Meditation Monday TuesdaySo i forgot yesterday was Monday, so my meditation had to wait until today. i hope that this doesn't disrupt things too much.<span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /><br />Today, i have served Master by</span> remembering tasks that i forgot to complete, in addition to working on my daily assigned tasks. And, even though Master is not upset by my forgetting about my special Monday posts, he still expects one to be done, which is why i'm doing it now. My blog posts offer insight into my mind that Master enjoys.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Tomorrow, i can further serve Master by </span>continuing to prepare for his trip here. The house is mostly clean, with just our room the final area that truly needs a lot of work. It shouldn't take too much more than a few hours, but it's something that still needs to be done. i have nearly a week to complete this task, but tomorrow is as good as any other day to finish.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">One thing that can help with my servitude is </span>remembering that i only serve one Master. One of the problems i've had growing up is that i would always defer to everyone, even if i didn't necessarily respect them. Part of what i've discovered about my service to Master is that real pleasure only comes from serving someone whom i respect.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">my goal in serving Master is</span> to continue to improve myself, both as Master's pet and as a person in general. Serving Master has made me a stronger person in body, mind and soul, and it's something that i wish to continue to improve upon.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Through my service, i hope to learn</span> to be who i truly wish to be. i've let so many other people define me that i lost who i really was. But now, it's almost like i have a clean slate to start over. So through my service, i hope that i develop into the woman i know i am inside.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">A moment in my life that lead to my servitude was </span>realizing that i was naturally a submissive person. i was once asked if i could ever switch or even be a Domme, but the thought makes me very uncomfortable. i'm not one to take charge, at least not in that capacity. It makes me uncomfortable and it doesn't feel right.<span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span>Lilikkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02369646866452427758noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1632482527986001834.post-69459457735450321982009-10-19T19:26:00.000-07:002009-10-19T19:28:17.500-07:00Only 10 days until Master arrives. i feel really shitty because i kind of snapped at him earlier when he was trying to be comforting. It's just that when i'm in a bad mood, the last thing i need is to have someone try and love me. Even after all this time, i'm not used to affection, not really. i suppose i'm getting there, but i'm not really <span style="font-style: italic;">there</span> yet.<br /><br />i don't know what i can do to make myself realize that it's ok to be loved. It's just kind of a hangup that i have. Hopefully it's something that i can work through.Lilikkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02369646866452427758noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1632482527986001834.post-41908575657754029082009-10-18T20:19:00.000-07:002009-10-18T20:22:21.141-07:00There are many times when i'm very insecure. Today was one of those. An old friend has been talking with an ex-friend of mine and i'm just very nervous as to one might say to the other about me. i truly don't want to lose another friend over all this, but Master said something that makes sense. That friend is a good person and, if he's as close to me as i thought we were, there's nothing that someone else can say to him that would change his opinion about me.<br /><br />i'm not sure why i get so hung up on things. i guess it's because people tend to think of me as kind of a slut and, those who don't, are the only real friends i have. i might like sex, but i'm certainly no slut, despite the way i might talk at times. i'm just very secure in my sexuality. But it would kill me for him to think of me as a slut, because that's just not what i am.Lilikkahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02369646866452427758noreply@blogger.com0