i think i need a mentor

Mostly because i think i just need the voice of someone experienced in submission to help me through some of the rough patches i've been going through lately. The only problem is finding someone that would be willing to help me with this as well as actually finding someone to even talk to.

i can keep my focus on serving Master if he reminds me, but it feels like such an embarrassment when he has to do that. It ought to be my job to keep my focus, not his. He says i'm still learning and that i now need to learn that it's ok to not be perfect, but it's hard to undo years and years of the opposite.

i just don't know. Things have been so rough for me lately, both emotionally and physically. My allergies have been really getting to me and this is just... a terrible month for me. i really hate April. i don't know what i'm going to do next week. i hope it doesn't hit me as hard as it did last year.

Sick

i've been sick for quite a while now. Don't know what's wrong. Can't sleep well at night. Ready to pass out. i've been terribly grumpy with Master and i don't even know how to stop. i'm just in a foul mood.

Lazy

Today was a lazy day. Master and i basically just lounged around and played video games and slept. We didn't really do much of anything, but that's ok. i'm not used to having these allergies and they're kicking my ass :(

Master and i discovered that i can squirt tonight. It's always been something i've wanted to do, but i've heard many conflicting stories about it: you're either born with it or you're not, you can learn it but some women can't, or every woman can learn it if they put their minds to it. Either way, i can do it. And it was awfully, awfully hot. Even though it meant changing all of the bedding when we were done playing.

But really, it was the strangest sensation but not something i would ever deny in the future. It was pretty amazing and was one of the headiest orgasms i've ever had. My head is still swimming a bit while i type this out, though i suspect that might be also due to the allergy medicine.

i want to keep learning all kinds of new things with Master. i can't believe the person i've become under his command. It's really a wonderful thing and hope that i can keep training.

Not myself

i didn't feel like myself at ALL tonight. i don't know why. Maybe it's the allergy medicine? it's been causing me to be sleepy and out of it pretty much all of the day. i hate this feeling and hope to find something that doesn't cause this immense drowsiness while at the same time clears up the symptoms.

And i worry because it causes me to not be able to perform the best of my abilities for Master. Even after we had an amazing talk last night (and amazing play), i feel like i've really let him down today with how badly my allergies are getting to me. i hope to make it up tomorrow.

Bite me, bruise me, call me a slut

i've been thinking about being completely humiliated in public lately. Thoughts of Master leading me around in skimpy clothes on a leash while ordering me around in public haunt my thoughts. It's really rather a yummy fantasy.

i can't explain why the thought of Master doing these kinds of things turns me on so much. But it's like opening a floodgate just thinking of it. There really is not too many things better than squirming while glowing a bright red due to humiliation. My face is burning just thinking about all the naughty things Master could call me in public.

My biggest worry is that Master doesn't find it nearly as hot as i do. He's such a polite person, that i can't see him degrading anyone, let alone his beloved pet. And even though he'd mean the words out of love and respect, i worry that it's not a natural thing to him and that maybe i'd be forcing an issue he'd rather not deal with. Hopefully this blog will help me start a dialogue on all that tonight before both of us get too tired.

Karma

This was something i was just thinking about before i started blogging tonight. i wanted to blog about how much i love degradation and when Master calls me his dirty little slut, but that might have to wait. Karma's a concept i really believe in wholeheartedly. If one does bad things, bad things will eventually happen. Likewise, if one does good things, good things will eventually happen.

Unfortunately for us, we can't choose when it happens. But it would be amazing if we could. i mean, it'd be like saving points up in a bank and when we've gotten enough Karma Points, we could trade them in for a Fabulous Prize (i'm voting for sex toys, but that's just me).

But i think i've been able to cash in on some points lately. Sure, it's nothing as awesome as getting a sex toy out of the deal, but i'm becoming more comfortable in my own skin. And that's probably worth more than a new vibrator. Probably.