Sex

i love sex. Not just as an activity, but also as a topic of discussion. Out of all the non-fiction books i own, 90% of them deal with the topic of sex (and out of my fiction books, 75% of them mention an act of sex somewhere in the pages!). To me, it's something that i find utterly fascinating and engaging.

Lately, i've been really getting into reading a lot of sex-related blogs. i love it. As silly as it is, i never really realized just how many interesting blogs on the subject there are! And something even sillier: i live so close to San Francisco, and i don't even utilize that fact! Many of the blogs i've been reading have their authors living so close to the city. i think it's really wonderful.

i really want to try and just... i don't know. Embrace that side of me a lot more than i have been.

Calm

Sometimes, it's hard for me to remain calm. i'm a very up-tight person. This isn't something i'm proud of and i would certainly like to fix it, but it's such an integral part of how i function, i don't know how to change that. Master's presence is always calming, but it can be difficult to find ways to calm myself while he's resting.

i tried baking cookies today, since cooking and baking are calming things, but the cookie dough ended up too sticky and stuck to the rolling pin and, well, everything else. i had even floured everything well, but it still stuck. So i ended up throwing out the dough in frustration and just bought ready-made cookie dough. It wasn't quite the same, but at least it was less stressful.

Even things like reading have been stressful for me lately, mostly because i can never have time to just finish more than two sentences at a time. Just when i find out what's happening to my favorite fictional succubus, it seems to be inevitable that i have to stop what i'm doing to help Emi or mom.

So i'm trying to find other ways to stay calm. Playing sudoku. Doing picross. Anything to distract my mind. It seems to be working well with sudoku tonight, so i'm going to stick to that until Master returns.

What a long week

This week has been, well... utterly exhausting for me. i'm really not used to being outside of the house as much as i have been. i don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but i'm so exhausted. i can't wait to put my daughter to bed every night and just... relax.

i'm a bit amazed at myself for being able to find time to take care of all the tasks Master asks of me in addition to all the other things i've been going through. It's nice because he never asks for more than i can give, but it surprises me that i'm able to continue to give, even with how tired i am.

i can't even really think to write much more tonight. While Master's resting, i think i'll take advantage of that and rest as well <3 style="font-style: italic;">

Reaching Out

i did something uncharacteristically bold of me today. i sent an IM to a friend that i hadn't spoken to in a number of months. We had had a falling out over my lifestyle choices (well, it was more her husband had a problem with it, not so much her), but i would really like to still be friends. Master thinks it's a good thing i did and he says it will probably turn out positively.

My biggest fear, though, is that i've let too much time pass between now and when we stopped talking. i should probably addressed what had happened, but instead i just let it drop. But now that i'm a bit further in both my training as well as a bit more mentally stable, i feel i'm ready to talk to her again.

Part of the problem i have is that i tend to isolate myself, even from Master. i am working on it, though it's with great difficulty. But i know that if i can just push through the difficulties, i'll feel better in the end. And hopefully will have my friends back.

Training

i've been doing lots of thinking about the training Master is putting me through. It's interesting to think about, honestly. i perform best when i'm guided and have things laid out for me as they're to be done. Master's style of training is pretty subtle. At first, i didn't even realize i was being trained to do things the way he liked it. But now that i see it, i'm a lot more confident in the things i do.

What i most desire is to be Master's perfect domesticated succubus. i want to be able to do all the household things that he requires while at the same time being able to keep up with him sexually. Which i think is really doable, as long as my training keeps progressing in the same manner that it has been.

Resolutions

Though we don't do it often, Master and i still argue at times. And while i feel this is healthy for our relationship (as we don't have a TPE-type relationship), we still have to resolve things at the end of the day when arguments crop up. For the most part, i think we deal with them pretty well. Master insists on talking out our problems a lot, which is a big help. Because if it were left to me, i'd do the unhealthy thing and just ignore it until i explode. Which just proves that Master is certainly wiser than me in some areas.

Lately, i've just been kind of a nervous wreck, to be honest. Between my anxieties and my fear of new people, all kinds of things have been pretty triggering lately. So much to the point where i just wanted to call it quits on life (not in a "i'm going to kill myself" kind of way, but more of a "i'm just going to go away from everyone" kind of way). Luckily, i have a Master who is caring and supportive and who, despite me thinking at the time how unfair it is that i have to do what he says just because that was our agreement, wouldn't let me just throw in the towel. i realize now it really was for the better and i'm glad he didn't let me get away with being bratty.

i guess what i'm trying to say is that we are able to resolve our problems with minimal hurt feelings at the end of the day. i just hope that, even though our relationship is still pretty new in the grand scheme of things, we can continue along in this manner.

Self

When this journey with Master first began, i was so sure it was going to result in a loss of "self." At the very least, i questioned it and wasn't sure if i wanted that or didn't want that. My personal identity had never had too much of an impact on those around me, or no real impact that i could tell, so it wasn't something that i really thought about too much. So, for the most part, it wasn't a truly big loss if i didn't have a sense of self.

But it obviously bothered some part of me, because the idea of losing it scared me. And i was so afraid that by consenting to be Master's pet, i was going to lose that last bit that made up me. i never let it deter me from what i wanted with Master and, really, i'm glad i didn't. Because being Master's pet has actually had a completely opposite effect than i had ever suspected. Instead of losing myself, i find that i'm actually discovering myself.

Being Master's pet is as much a part of me as anything else is, even moreso in the case of things like my anxieties. i don't think i could live a truly happy life without the knowledge that i'm a simple pet. i'm really quite pleased that all this has worked out so different than the way i thought it was going to.