Master and i were able to have quite a bit of fun tonight, so i'm truly glad i didn't give in to my negative thinkings. He even got me to try something quite a bit interesting tonight. i had to keep my silver egg in on high while watching Supernatural. Although i don't scare easily, this episode was particularly gory, so it was an interesting mixture of arousal and trepidation. i suppose it's also hitting close to home because we seem to have a mischievous spirit in the house.
Master has promised more fun later tonight, which i'm looking forward to <3
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
What in the world?
i got a strange email today. It was a confirmation for a subscription to a porn site. The only problem was, neither Master nor i ever actually subscribed to it. The email was addressed to someone named Daniel. i don't know anyone named Daniel. This is truly puzzling to me because i have no idea who it is and why would this person buy me a subscription to a porn site?
The problem is, i get really paranoid when things like this happen with no explanation. How did this person get my email address? i mean, i don't exactly hide it, but i don't advertise it, either. Plus, i don't know a Daniel. It just gets so... puzzling.
Master and others have suggested it's some kind of admirer. But if that's the case, why a subscription to a porn site? It's not exactly something i would send to someone i admire. And besides, i'm happily collared and, while flattered, am not interested in a relationship more than a friendship outside of what i have with Master.
If anyone has any ideas, please let me know. i'm just puzzled by all this.
The problem is, i get really paranoid when things like this happen with no explanation. How did this person get my email address? i mean, i don't exactly hide it, but i don't advertise it, either. Plus, i don't know a Daniel. It just gets so... puzzling.
Master and others have suggested it's some kind of admirer. But if that's the case, why a subscription to a porn site? It's not exactly something i would send to someone i admire. And besides, i'm happily collared and, while flattered, am not interested in a relationship more than a friendship outside of what i have with Master.
If anyone has any ideas, please let me know. i'm just puzzled by all this.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Trying to put a positive spin on things
i'm not doing well right now. Not just physically, but mentally. i'm having really bad performance issues and i find myself wondering if it's like when a guy can't get it up. i mean, a succubus that gets nauseated at the thought of sex? What is that?
Master keeps insisting it's not "defective," so i'm trying to change the way i think about it. But honestly, my mind keeps coming back to that word. There's not much i'm good at, and having sex is one of the few things on that list. So if i can't do that, then what is there for me?
i guess it's just something else i'm going to have to meditate on. Might as well do that since it looks like i won't be getting off tonight. Again.
Master keeps insisting it's not "defective," so i'm trying to change the way i think about it. But honestly, my mind keeps coming back to that word. There's not much i'm good at, and having sex is one of the few things on that list. So if i can't do that, then what is there for me?
i guess it's just something else i'm going to have to meditate on. Might as well do that since it looks like i won't be getting off tonight. Again.
Monday, April 27, 2009
i feel like a walking cliché
i feel so unlovable. Not unlikeable, as i'm sure there are plenty of people out there who like me. But the people who love me, even as a friend? Really, i feel as if it's just Master. And maybe i should appreciate that, because there are people in this world who don't even feel the same deep love as i have with Master. But the problem is that i have so much love to give and it really feels so unfair that i don't get it in return, even when giving it.
i love my friends, each and every one of them. i would do anything for them, as long as it doesn't go against Master's desires. Even people who i used to be friends with, there's still an amount of affection there. i don't wish them ill, just happiness in the future. But i don't feel the same in return.
i know loving a demon isn't something that's an easy thing. At all. But is it really that difficult? i can completely love and dedicate myself to Master, and he's as much of a demon as i am. We're two sides of the same coin. But maybe that's why i can love him so easily.
i think i'm really just looking for acceptance. i don't feel it from a lot of people, even places where it should come from. Like my mother. She accepts that i am Master's pet, but she doesn't understand it at all. Nor does she understand my desire to model. And i think that's the hardest thing of all to deal with. i'm glad she accepts, but i just want an understanding, even if it's a partial understanding.
i love my friends, each and every one of them. i would do anything for them, as long as it doesn't go against Master's desires. Even people who i used to be friends with, there's still an amount of affection there. i don't wish them ill, just happiness in the future. But i don't feel the same in return.
i know loving a demon isn't something that's an easy thing. At all. But is it really that difficult? i can completely love and dedicate myself to Master, and he's as much of a demon as i am. We're two sides of the same coin. But maybe that's why i can love him so easily.
i think i'm really just looking for acceptance. i don't feel it from a lot of people, even places where it should come from. Like my mother. She accepts that i am Master's pet, but she doesn't understand it at all. Nor does she understand my desire to model. And i think that's the hardest thing of all to deal with. i'm glad she accepts, but i just want an understanding, even if it's a partial understanding.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Sick again
i seem to be getting sick a lot lately. Not quite sure why. But i feel extremely nauseated and just... bleh. Master and i haven't quite finished our nightly Supernatural viewing (last episode of season 3 about to start), but i'm not sure how much further past it i'll be able to go. Generally, he likes to play a bit before going to bed.
i don't like to complain, especially about Master's desires. But i really am not sure if i'm up for it tonight. And that feels like such a weakness admitting that. i hate admitting my weaknesses. Especially when it comes to my servitude to Master. But i have to in this case. i'm just not sure how Master will react.
But until then, i'm going to cuddle up and finish this episode until Master tells me to do otherwise.
i don't like to complain, especially about Master's desires. But i really am not sure if i'm up for it tonight. And that feels like such a weakness admitting that. i hate admitting my weaknesses. Especially when it comes to my servitude to Master. But i have to in this case. i'm just not sure how Master will react.
But until then, i'm going to cuddle up and finish this episode until Master tells me to do otherwise.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Master takes the pain away
Today wasn't an easy day for me. It hasn't been an easy month, really. But i truly treasure my time with Master at the end of the day. Even when i'm at my lowest, he knows how to pick me back up.
Lately, Master has been trying out different forms of degradation with me. He's taken to calling me either "cunt" or "slut." i have to say, it's quite a turn on, really. i don't mind having him tell me of my place and making me feel it. i mean, i'm sure to a regular person, these kinds of things would be grave insults, but coming from him, it's better than being called any silly pet name.
i would love to see what would happen if he were to call me that in public. i imagine the looks on the faces in the crowd would be quite humorous to me.
Lately, Master has been trying out different forms of degradation with me. He's taken to calling me either "cunt" or "slut." i have to say, it's quite a turn on, really. i don't mind having him tell me of my place and making me feel it. i mean, i'm sure to a regular person, these kinds of things would be grave insults, but coming from him, it's better than being called any silly pet name.
i would love to see what would happen if he were to call me that in public. i imagine the looks on the faces in the crowd would be quite humorous to me.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Desire
i have an innate desire to please Master. If he's not pleased with my work, i end up feeling really upset with myself. It's not very often, if ever that i can think of, but i have a driving need to please Master to the best of my abilities.
On the same note, i desire to obey his orders to the best of my ability. Unfortunately, because of the situation with my mother and daughter, i can't always do that, so i feel more pain from that than anything else. i want to be his complete and utter pet and have him command me down to my every action. But having a young child in the house and a disabled mother that i must care for doesn't make it very easy.
Perhaps someday after my mother has passes and our daughter is grown, we can live the life together as Master and pet that we desire. But for now, we have to do it when and where we can.
On the same note, i desire to obey his orders to the best of my ability. Unfortunately, because of the situation with my mother and daughter, i can't always do that, so i feel more pain from that than anything else. i want to be his complete and utter pet and have him command me down to my every action. But having a young child in the house and a disabled mother that i must care for doesn't make it very easy.
Perhaps someday after my mother has passes and our daughter is grown, we can live the life together as Master and pet that we desire. But for now, we have to do it when and where we can.
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