Perhaps that will be the end of that

Finished Fable today. Sure, there's a lot of end-game stuff to do, but i think i'll move on for a while. i'm tired of all the villagers hating me :'(

Anyway, Master and i sat down for a movie tonight, which we haven't done in forever. We watched A Haunting in Connecticut. Pretty freaky stuff, honestly. Gets me to thinking about the paranormal and the supernatural and my natural drawing towards them. Besides the whole trans-specied feelings i have, i love the thought that humans aren't the only sentient beings on this planet. There are far too many unexplained phenomena and i don't necessarily buy into the God theory.

Been trying to read The Dangerous Book for Demon Slayers, but i just can't get into it. The main character has to kill a town full of succubi and it's really kind of distressing to me. Not all demons are bad. Certainly not as bad as they're always portrayed in novels, movies and on TV. At least, that's my own belief. Like people, there are varying degrees of good and bad. It's difficult to judge someone based only on a few facts of their life, after all.

Either way, i'm hoping to finish the book and then possibly sell it to someone else or even just donate it to the library. Hopefully someone will get more enjoyment out of it than me.

Lonely day

Master was out with his mother most of the day, so we didn't spend a lot of time together. i just really missed his presence, even though it was a pretty laid back kind of day. But i've been feeling a bit lonely lately. Like i'm starting to, again, disconnect from people. i don't know if this is a defense mechanism within my brain or if it's just something that happens because i don't know how to be social with people.

Either way, i start feeling strange when i get lonely. i don't like the feeling, even though i'm a greatly introverted person. i was reading in As A Man Thinketh that we, as humans, crave both what we love and what we fear. And, since i have terrible social anxiety, perhaps i also crave the embrace of a social situation as well.

Unfortunately, i'm not even sure how to go about being anything other than a huge spaz when it comes to people. i get extremely shy and i just don't even know how to react, because i'm afraid of looking like a jerk or a fool. But if i don't push past the fear, then i'll never really reach out. i just don't know what it's going to take to give me the push i need.

Bleh

Another day devoid of any real thoughts. It's starting to become a bad habit of mine. But i do still find the time to serve Master in all aspects that he requires and requests of me, so that's good. Things have kind of fallen into a lull in my life lately, though.

Though Master did bring up an interesting point after tonight's viewing of Supernatural. He was commenting on how one of the angels is selfish because he's willing to screw Dean over to have Dean still hunt demons. When i argued the point that, as an angel, he's not selfish, he's just trying to follow his God's will, Master says that because God is selfish and angels serve God, they are selfish by proxy.

i'm not quite sure if i really like that kind of thinking, though. i do serve Master, willingly and wholly, but we aren't the same being, even though many of our thought processes are similar. But that doesn't make us the same person, even by proxy. i am, and always will be, Lilikka and Master is Master. As similar as we can be, we will never be anything more or less than two sides of a beautiful partnership between us. And that, i believe, is the way we should all be.

Bleh, Master has a way of striking right to the heart of my problems. Just when i start to complain about not having any real thoughts, he causes me to think.

Apologies

Yesterday's entry was a bit... strained. i think i'm starting to develop writer's block even for my blog. i haven't been able to clearly think of anything i want to say. My brain is just kind of "derp derp"-ing along.

i haven't had much of a chance to be as introspective as i would like, and it's really starting to get to me. i would love to further explore some of the thoughts i've been having, but when i try, it just doesn't ever come out like i'd like it to.

Perhaps if i spend a little bit doing some writing in a private place, away from everyone's eyes (as long as Master permits it), then i can get some of these thoughts out.

Evil

Been playing a ton of Fable 2 today. i finally got my character to turn evil, horns and glowing eyes and everything. And it's strange, because i find the evil acts pretty... natural? Of course, i would never do something like that in real life, but the impulse is definitely there.

And, besides that, Master likes my evil side ;D

Powers

i'm fully believing in the concept that humans can have powers that science can't explain. Speaking for myself, i have the powers of Empathy. While anyone can have empathy, i have a level of Empathy not seen in most people; i can completely absorb others emotions, even when i have no real reason to feel that way, and i can push my own feelings onto others. Unfortunately, it's a dangerous thing for me because i'm so untrained.

For my part, i've never met anyone as powerful an Empath as i seem to be. Master has a touch of it, but he generally has to have a physical contact with someone to use his powers, where i can push it out just being in the general vicinity of someone.

It's an interesting thought, though, that people can have such unexplainable powers. i'm not much of a believer in a higher power, such as a god. Instead, i believe in people. We are ever evolving creatures, but sometimes our evolutions also end up breeding out things that we once had. i believe that more and more humans had supernatural powers, but as science progressed, we needed them less and less.

i know this is a bit of a departure from what i typically talk about, but this is all a part of my journey, as finding myself in my servitude to Master includes finding out about parts of me that i used to ignore wholly.

Violence

Does it always have to be an answer for everything? If there's anything in the world that i hate, it's violence, mostly because of my horrible childhood, where every day was a struggle against violence with my father. But really, there has got to be a better way. Using words to settle disputes. Agreeing to disagree. There isn't any real need for violence whatsoever.

And maybe this is funny, coming from a masochist like me, who enjoys spankings and bites and paddlings. But these aren't acts of violence to me. Instead, they're acts of love, no different than a kiss or a hug, as long as they're bestowed in a loving way.

This was all brought on by my daughter tonight. For months, she'd occasionally hit me when she didn't get her way. And i tried my best to talk to her, explain that it's not a good thing and then take away her privileges as punishment. But between yesterday and today, it escalated to where she was doing it for the hell of it, and then laughing about it. So i finally hit her back

i have never felt more despair at anything than the moment i realized what i had done. It absolutely sickened me to know that, out of anger, i struck someone. Not out of self-defense, as i've had need to in the past, but out of a terrible rage because this little girl had hit me and then laughed about it. But for all that, it did seem to have some kind of effect on her. i just hate the fact that it took a violent act to get her to react in the way i would have wanted her to act from the beginning. She actually said she was sorry without being forced into it.

i just wish it hadn't taken something like that for it to happen.