By the wayside again

With mom being in the hospital, it feels like my submissive side has been moved to the back burner yet again. It irritates me to no end. Just when i'm finally in a good head space to deal with it, and all this happens.

Not that i really blame anyone. Mom certainly didn't wish to have a stroke, and i can't think of a single sane person that would wish it upon her. But it's just something that happened and i've got to find a way of dealing with it.

i didn't realize until today how strong i could be emotionally. i saw mom in the hospital for the first time since the stroke. And, although i wanted to, i didn't cry over the situation. Even when they told us that it could be months before mom is home. That's a scary prospect for me. But i have to do something about it, i can't just sit here and let everything pass me by.

So if that happens, i'm formulating plans for what i'll do for transportation and child care and all that. It's a long road ahead, but i think i'm strong enough to walk it.

Mom's doing alright. She's certainly not dead, which is a very good thing. She can move her left arm, but not her hand, and the left side of her face is less droopy. Unfortunately, she's still unable to move her left leg. Hopefully, it'll be alright by tomorrow. She's quick to recover. But, if not, the hospital isn't too far away and we could always visit her.

Master has been beyond kind throughout all this. i blamed myself for much of it; mom and i had been fighting a lot these past few days, and she's had strokes twice before, so all the agitation was starting to get to her. But Master helped me through the day without me feeling too badly about myself.

But really, i don't know how to feel for all this. i mean, i could have lost my mom today and i really was more upset that it was my fault than i was for losing her. Somewhere in my mind, i just think she's going to be around forever. Of course, that's not reality and i have to face up to it, but it's difficult.

Mom had a stroke. She's at the hospital. That's all the information I have right now.

Happy Birthday, Master

i'm sorry our evening wasn't as awesome as it could have been, Master. But i'm very glad to have been able to spend all this time with you. You are my world and my everything and i don't know what i'd do if i didn't have you in my life.

Anger Issues

This is the first thing i'd like to work on with Master, now that i'm back into a more submissive mind-set. Today, my anger got the best of me. And although Master feels that my regret was punishment enough, i wish there was something more i could do to make it up and really learn from it all.

i do have coping mechanisms in place for when i feel my anger rising. It's when it comes on suddenly, without warning, that i don't know what to do. When i'm in a crazed state, i can't think calmly and rationally enough to use my coping skills.

The good news about all of this is that, despite feeling like a terrible person for letting my anger get the best of me again, i do still feel like i'm a good person deep down. The self-esteem that would normally be shattered by something like this isn't this time. And it just amazes me to no end. i really hope that i can continue on this path and continue to be the best pet i can for Master, and the best me i can be for myself.

Half a year

It's been six months since i started blogging here, and it's been an interesting journey. The wonderful part is, i feel, the best is yet to come. i'm coming into my own, both as Master's pet and as my own person. i feel empowered and like i don't have to bow down to everyone just because i am a submissive (because i'm not your submissive, unless you are Master).

So i'd really like this to be a new kind of turning point. i do well with anniversaries as a kind of sign to point me in new directions. What i'd really like to concentrate on, at least for the time being, is furthering my submission. Now that i've progressed with discovery of self, i think it's time to dive back in.

Thank you all for being with me on my journey thus far. Here's to at least another six months!