Other paths

i often wonder what it would have been like had i taken other paths in my life. i once asked a boy out in high school. it was the first, and last, time i ever did anything like that. It didn't end terribly, but it didn't end how i would have liked it. Instead of being turned down flat out, he had explained that now just wasn't the right time for the two of us. And nothing ever came between us other than a friendship that has since been lost by time and distance.

But what would have become of me had he accepted my affection and returned it? Would i have ever met Master? Truly, that would have been a travesty, i think. But i would never have known, so how bad could it be? It's a strange thing to think about. Though i am really quite happy with how life has turned out for me. It's not ideal, no, but the good outweighs the bad and that's really all that anyone can ask for, right?

This is not a good time for this

Mom had another TIA stroke and the imp has chicken pox. Add to that the fact that i'm going through PMDD right now, and i'm really ready to check myself back into the hospital. Only that won't solve any of the problems.

i'm trying my best to keep it all together, but it's so hard. It's like this is all coming down at once and i just don't know what to do. Master's been a bit preoccupied because he had to put his dog down. She was a good dog and i loved Precious a lot, so i can really understand why he's been thinking about her. He had a ceremony for her today and, although i couldn't attend in person, i was there in spirit.

But i feel as if i'm drowning and i never learned how to swim. It all feels like too much for me to handle.

Signs of Power

i discovered my personal power symbol today. i believe everyone has one, though not everyone realizes it until they see it. Mine took form today and it was really quite interesting. That's it to the left. It's a first draft and, admittedly, i'm no artist. But it does suit me well enough for now. There are many symbols behind it that wholly make up who i am, both as Master's pet and as a succubus.

i often wonder what it's like to not see the other side of the world; the side that most people dismiss as being "unreal." i've always seen this side, so i really have no other way of looking at it. And i know that there are people who probably think i'm pretty crazy for these beliefs i have, but i really don't care anymore. This is me, and it's what suits me and Master, and that's all that really matters.

Today was interesting. Not only was it the first time in years that i was invited to a party (albeit a small one), but i also got invited to a Live party during 1 vs. 100 tonight. It was the first time i had even used the headset that i got with my Elite. It was really quite interesting, and helped me feel like a completely normal person.

And, with all the turmoil i'm going through with my PMDD right now, feeling normal was exactly what i needed. i really exploded tonight. It wasn't a fun thing at all, really. But i found i couldn't help it. Everything was irritating me and i just... couldn't hold it in anymore. i yelled and screamed and wanted to hit my head through the wall. But i didn't do it. Even still, it scares me to think that the worst is yet to come.

Pain

Today was just an extremely long day. Not only that, but it was hot and i was in a lot of pain in my ears.

i don't handle unpleasant pain well. Although i'm a masochist and enjoy pain when it's applied correctly, this kind of pain is unbearable because it feels there will never be any relief. i'm not sure if i can even explain it right. For instance, i enjoy the pain that's caused during play from bites, spankings, floggings, etc. because the sting that slowly fades. But this ache in my ear feels as if someone is continually stabbing me there and it won't let up.

Either way, i've taken some medicine, so hopefully the pain will subside. Unfortunately, there's not much that can be done with it wants to flare up like this. i was born with defective ears and all the scar tissue from the surgeries sometimes just hurt for no real reason. Luckily, i see my doctor next month and will mention it to her again, but they never do anything about it.

Laws of Attraction

During the group meeting today, we watched The Secret. Though the presentation itself was awfully goofy, the message was pretty neat. Basically, as you think, you are. This isn't anything new, or amazing. In fact, philosophers have been saying the same thing for thousands of years. You attract what you think about.

i suppose that truly is what drew Master and i together. i was hoping for a wonderful person that i could depend on like a best friend but someone who knew enough to take a firm stance with me when i needed it. And, seemingly out of nowhere, along came Master, just when i needed him most.

So i'm going to try and continue to feel and live the way i want to live, as well as what i hope to live. And we'll see if all this really does attract more of what i want into my life. That would certainly be a wonderful thing.

i feel like my PMDD is starting up again. It's about that time, and i'm more aware of it, so i guess that makes sense. But really, i'm finding myself being overly sensitive to the things people say and do and it just makes me feel like i'm going to cry.

Even earlier today, i felt like just hiding in my room and crying. And it seemed to come out of nowhere, too. One moment, i was hanging out with friends and the next, i had to excuse myself before i started having a major panic attack.

i do not like this at all. i'm really very scared of what's going to happen when it gets closer and closer to the time when i'm most likely to explode. i really need to work on a schedule for myself tomorrow, so i can manage my moods better. Good thing that's the topic of tomorrow's meeting. i will bring all this up then and see what everyone else can suggest for it all.

Writing

i love to write, but i haven't been doing much of it lately. i often wonder if i should take the same approach to it as i do to the tasks Master sets for me. i ought to set aside time for it or at least not allow myself other pleasures until a certain goal is reached.

i've also restarted my review blog in a hope to keep my writing fresh. i'm not sure if it'll help in the long run, but at least it's part way towards my goal of practicing my writing. Eventually, though, i think i would love to write a biography of my mother. If there is anyone in this world that deserves one, it's her. Though mostly, i'm afraid it would read too much like a fiction, with all the craziness that's gone on in her life.

But Master is very encouraging towards my writing endeavors. He's constantly a source of inspiration and motivation.

So the emotional high i felt yesterday was completely destroyed today in a matter of a few hours. i often think i'm bipolar, but i have none of the symptoms of mania that generally go along with it. But really, i'm just feeling utterly depressed tonight. And it doesn't help that mom and i got into a fight and that Master's PSP was stolen.

Between all this, i'm realizing just how much i hate humanity as a whole. Sure, there are some great individuals out there, but those are so few and far between. i don't know, i just wish more people would be cool about things. But then i guess we'd take those that are for granted.

i can't even think right tonight. Fuck.

The power of being positive

i had a dream this morning. My negative aspects were telling me how all i need in this world is myself and that i need to stop opening up to so many people. That i can take care of myself. Then, in the same dream, i was suddenly all the positive things i've become and i was being hunted and chased down. It felt as if my own mind were trying to get rid of me. But i made a promise to myself that i was going to stay this positive as long as i can.

And, you know, it's brought me some greatly awesome things today. Not only did I rank 4th out of 25,000 people in a round of 1 vs 100 tonight, but i also won a copy of Guitar Hero 5! i didn't think i could accomplish either of those things, but i tried it and i did. It's truly amazing what being so positive can do for ones life.

It's strange in a way, though. i consider myself pretty demonic for the most part. i like the rush i get when i manipulate people. i lie a lot, and i do it well. Of course, these are things i'd never do to people i even moderately care about. But for being so positive, i sure do a lot of negative things at times. Then it gets me to thinking about karma. But perhaps i've got so much positive karma stored for doing so many nice things for those i care about that the few times i indulge in the negative, it doesn't affect it very much. Who knows how the bigger parts of the universe work?

Relaxing

i allowed myself some time to relax tonight. It was really great. i sad down with some pizza and a root beer and some video games and just... felt normal. This was seriously one of the best nights alone that i've ever had. And i couldn't believe that i have come so far as to allow myself to do something like that. It was really nothing i had ever done before.

Master seems to enjoy my new approach to life as well. Though he hasn't said anything directly, i can just tell that he respects what i'm doing with myself. He notices that i seem happier and just mentally healthier. And that's really, to me, the best part about all of this. i can be happy and indulge myself a bit and still manage to make Master happy? This is really a great life.

Disconnected again

Master and i have kind of been doing our own thing for days now. It's not that we haven't spoken; we have, but it's always been brief. We've both just been preoccupied with our own interests that we forgot about connecting with each other. So we made an effort to reconnect tonight.

It started with a viewing of District 9. It was a great movie and the two of us were able to just enjoy the film in each other's company. We sent each other messages throughout the movie, pointing out our favorite parts, just like what we'd do if we were watching a movie at home together.

Then we talked about our ideas we have for a game we'd like to someday develop. That's really the best part of our relationship, i think; the ability to work together so seamlessly and share our ideas so the both of us can work on our parts to implement them and make them a reality. And, as usual when the two of us work on a project, i'm very excited about all of this. And i'm even in the mood to write again! This is so wonderful.

i think i may make some friends after all

Went to group meeting today and, surprisingly, i really feel like i fit in. i actually shared a part of me with the group and, in nearly an instant, i felt as if i could get along with the other women. Even before that, one of the girls there was wonderful enough to share her cheese with me. It was a touching gesture, especially since i had always thought she was a bit standoffish with me.

It was really amazing. i had never realized that, just by opening up a bit, i could not only welcome others into my life, but they'd be willing to let me into theirs. Of course, this make sense and i'm not sure why i never realized it before. But really, i'm glad i shared and i'm glad i'm on this road to continue to share with others. i do have to be careful who i share with and what i share, but this is really a great strategy for me for the future.

i'm not as innocent as you think i am

Really, i get tired of people who think they know me thinking that i'm an innocent person. Honestly, if i weren't in a solid relationship with Master, i would sleep around. As long as protection is used, i don't see a problem with it, honestly. But i'm not about to screw up what i have with Master just because of a momentary fling. Which is what anything would be for me.

But i was talking with mom earlier and she was telling me how everyone in the family thinks i'm just this "goody-two-shoes" (god how i hate that term). i don't know why they have that image of me. It's not that i never do anything bad, i'm just good enough to never get caught. That's the trick to it. But i suppose that's why they have that image of me; they just don't realize what i'm capable of. Which can be a very good thing.

Still afraid of failure

i'm still so afraid of failure. It's not even funny at this point. i worry constantly about letting Master down, about letting the imp down, about letting mom down. It's funny, because i no longer worry about letting myself down, because i feel like i let myself down all the time anyway. i make too many mistakes.

Of course, this is just more baggage from the past. But i have no idea how to give myself permission to fail. i'm mostly human, sure, and i'm allowed to make mistakes. It doesn't make it any less frightening to me. And there's not even any real reason why, at least not now.

i've got no idea how i'm going to change my thinking about all this. Master speaks with me on this subject quite a lot and still, i can't change how i think about it. Even with something as silly as video games, i push myself over, forcing myself to hurry through them, almost sucking all the fun out of it. i just don't know how to forgive myself.

Another start

So, tomorrow is the start of another busy week. i hate when weeks are this busy. i've got meetings on Monday, Wednesday and Friday and then mom's got her appointments as well. i guess it's just a bit more frustrating because i feel like i've got to keep up at this break neck speed and it just wears me completely out.

i'm trying my best not to get my head so wrapped up in all of this. The more i start to think about it, the more i get so nervous and it just starts spiraling out of control. So i'm trying to just chill out and relax and not think about everything i have to do.

i wonder how badly these wounds on my leg are going to scar. i tend to keloid, so i'm sure they're not going to be pretty. i'm so worried that it's going to be so ugly that i won't be able to model for Master anymore. It's a big worry to me. He says not to worry about it, but i still do.

Tired of not being me

i'm sick of it. Honestly. Sick of trying to be something i'm not, just to impress people or in an effort not to scare them off.

i love being a succubus. i really do. It's the best thing that i've ever realized about myself. And it's something that i feel i have to hide all too often. i know there are many skeptics out there who don't understand what it is that i feel or think about myself. Many people who don't understand that this is all very real to me. It's not just some figment of my imagination or delusions that i've conjured up to make myself feel special.

The biggest hurdle i face now is learning how not to worry so much what others think about me. i like myself this way. Master likes me this way. Why should it matter if someone i don't know doesn't? Though, in all actuality, i'm more afraid of what people who do know me will think if i start acting more and more like myself.

Finding myself

i've been spending a lot of time really being my true self lately; playful, fun, flirty, happy, all those positive things that i generally identify with myself. Sure, i have lower moments, too. i'm pretty tired right now, and i had a bout of anxiety earlier when i was meeting some distant family members (my grandfather's sisters), but for the most part, it's all wonderful.

And i'm being more honest with myself about myself. i don't want to hide my gifts anymore. Especially denying them to myself. That's a really silly thing to do. i am a succubus and i do attract my fair share of attention from everyone, males and females. i'm also an empath, capable of feeling and manipulating the emotions of others. These are things that make up me and i shouldn't deny them anymore.

So i think if i keep all that in mind as i move forward for the future, it should all be alright.

i love you, lilikka

Today i had a wonderful dream. i don't really remember the details so much as i remember waking and realizing that the "friends" in my dream were really just different aspects of my personality. In the dream, they were telling me how much they loved me and wanted me to be happy. It was kind of nice to get an "i love you" from myself on a subconscious level.

i learned a lot about self-esteem over the weekend. i had thought that, in order to properly serve, one had to forsake self to serve. But this just isn't the case. If i don't put myself first, at least part of the time, i will have no energy to truly serve Master in the capacity at which he deserves. This is something he has been trying to get me to see for quite some time now, actually.

So now, i do try and do things for my own sake, and not just because i think it would be pleasing to Master. Because, above all things, i know that me being healthy is the most pleasing to him.

First day back

Feeling good, really. Quite a bit exhausted still. Spent nearly the whole day just appreciating my family. Drew a bit with the imp. And i've come to the conclusion that, in times of trouble, i'm drawn to images of trees. i noticed that both in the hospital and today, trees played a prominent role in the pictures i sketched out. i even wrote a terrible haiku about trees.

And really, i'm not even sure why trees. i'm more of a fire-type than anything. But, to me, trees represent hope. They lose their leaves each year, only to grow back again. So even though i might have been down to my last in those moments before my mother called for the police and ambulance, there's still hope i will grow again.

It's strange, though. In some ways, leading up to last Friday, i was becoming more and more like myself, yet pulling further and further away as well. So now i feel i'm more whole than ever, though i have a lot of fear leading up to next month. Until i can get this problem under control, what will i end up doing to myself? i don't even want to think about it. Instead, i'll just concentrate on my moods and making sure that, when the shit hits the fan, i'll be able to handle it instead.

Where have I been?

I spent the weekend in a mental hospital. It's not an experience that I'm wanting to repeat. Ever.

I'm not quite sure how to explain the lead-up to all of this. I could say it started on Thursday, when I got into an argument with mom that culminated in me causing her to fall. Or maybe it started earlier that week, when I was feeling insecure and not wanting to get out of bed. Or even earlier than that, about six months ago when I was seriously considering, once again, that I could possibly have PMDD.

But whenever it started, it all ended with me thrusting a small pocket knife into my right thigh five times.

This is not something a person in their right mind does. And, indeed, I wasn't in my right mind when I did it. I was brought to the ER to be bandaged up (the wounds didn't require stitches, but have steri-strips on them now) and from there, I was handcuffed and put in the back of a police car. The officer kept reassuring me that I wasn't under arrest, but it's difficult to believe that when the metal is biting into your skin, peeling a few layers off, and leaving enough pressure to bruise days later.

The officer drove me over to Telecare, a local mental health facility. I was quickly ushered inside and the cuffs were removed. From there, endless questions about my mental health: what kind of medications am I on, do I take them regularly, why did i stab myself? And I repeated myself over and over and over until I thought that, by now, everyone in the known universe must know why I did what I had did.

I'm not going to go into every little detail of what happened in Telecare (And there's plenty to get into, between my clothes being stolen by another patient and someone asking if I was aware I had false lips). It wasn't very nice, though. The staff only half listened to what I had said at any given point and would fill in the rest. I stated my mother is disabled and they write down that she's "near death." I truly feel that the people who run places like this are only in it for the money. They make $1000 a day for each patient they keep in that place, so if they can keep a person there longer, why not?

But despite everything that happened, I came to realize that I haven't been myself lately. I've been withholding things from everyone, including both Master and mom. The night before I stabbed myself, I had thoughts of doing so. If only I had spoken up, I might not have had to spend the weekend in that crazy place. So I've made a decision to speak up more. No more hiding, no more trying my best to keep quiet so I don't worry people. I'm going to speak up, even if it annoys everyone. I will NOT end up in a place like that again.

Also, even the psychiatrist I spoke to agrees that it most definitely sounds like I've got PMDD, so my speculation all these months has been true. Now to just schedule an appointment with my doctor so we can discuss what can be done, so these kinds of episodes can be reduced in the future.

How to fail spectatularly

i'm truly beginning to believe i have PMDD. i am horrible during ovulation, to the point where it really interferes with my life. Right now, i'm arguing not only with my mother, but with my daughter and Master as well. And i have no one to blame but myself and how screwed up i am.

i don't know what it is, but when i blog in the morning, the words just don't come out. i used to be such a morning person, but as i get older, the mornings just get more and more difficult to deal with. Yet that doesn't stop my body from waking me up at 5 am.

It's interesting how people change, though. i still find it amazing that my ex doesn't realize it's me that he's talking to. Have i truly changed that much that someone i was living with for over half a decade wouldn't recognize me now?

JUST what i need

i think my ex is in love with me all over again. Which is unsurprising, considering i'm a succubus and, when i turn on my charm, i can be pretty enticing. But it's a pain in the ass, truth be told. The asshole HAD his chance and he blew it. But it's kind of fun stringing him along. That might make me evil, but i really don't care.

i'm not sure how Master truly feels about all of this. Of course, i tell him every time i'm sent an IM by my ex. i will not keep something like that from him, especially because he knows all my passwords and can just as easily read the chat logs and find out what's been said anyway. It's easier to be honest than to try and deceive him. Plus, i don't want to hide this. It's far too amusing to keep all to myself!

Sacrifice

Master and i watched Pitch Black tonight. It's the first time i've seen the film, though i had always wanted to. It was really great and the final twist made me think about sacrifices that people are willing to make for others.

For most of my life, i've been willing to die for those that i love, but that's because death seemed the easier route most of the time. Life was hell for me growing up. Between my mother's stalker and my father's abuse and drug use, i was a real mess. i'm still trying to recover from all of it. But that's why death always seemed easier.

But living, that's the real challenge, the real sacrifice. Am i willing to live for someone's sake, knowing full well how much pain and suffering there is in this world? If i had asked myself that a year ago, i would have said no. But i'm much further along in my recovery at this stage and yes, i am willing to live for someone else's sake. And not just Master's sake, or my daughter's sake, but for the sake of all of those who i've come in contact with, even the people who did wrong to me. i live, because i matter.

Identity

i often think of my identity as Master's pet. i'm not exactly a submissive and not exactly a slave, either, but rather something between the two. i don't need Master's permission for everything, but for most things, i am required to ask before i do things.

i'm also not a pet in the traditional term, either. Or that's how i see it, at least. i think of it as one might in a setting such as World of Warcraft. When a Warlock summons a succubus, she is his to command. i look at Master as such. He has earned the right to command me. i'm not an easy person to truly dominate, despite what others in my past might have thought. But Master has managed to do so in every sense of the word.

Had he not, i don't think i could even serve him in this capacity, stunted as it may be right now. Of course, i'm not fully tamed, and i don't think i ever truly will be, but Master is certainly the only being in this, or any, existence that i feel could truly tame me and call me his. And it's great because we're a good contrast with each other. My feminine, succubus side softens his masculine, incubus side, which has the opposite effect on me in return. It's truly an amazing relationship the two of us have that goes beyond the physical and the mental.

Safety net

i'm trying to get used to living life without a safety net. For the past few years, i've always lived like i have one, keeping everything at arm's length. But it was lonely. And painful. And, if there's anything i've learned between Master and group therapy, it's that if you keep doing the same thing, you keep getting the same results.

Truth be told, even being in a relationship with Master feels a bit outside of my safety net. i'm so afraid of being hurt. But i have a deep-seated desire to serve Master and be with him and devote myself to him, and it's a desire that won't be denied. Nonetheless, it's a bit intimidating at times. There are many times where i feel i'm just not good enough for Master.

Of course, he doesn't feel this way. Or he says he doesn't, which i believe, because he won't lie to me. But i often feel that i don't reach up to this invisible standard that i've set to myself. i just don't know what else i can do to change the way i think about things.