Rituals

A friend recently wrote about how she feels she needs "Systems" in her life to help keep her life organized. And i realized i'm much the same way, though i refer to them as "Rituals." They're very sacred to me once i develop one. Unfortunately, i know that many of the Rituals i've employed in the past to keep my life at a constant have been thrown to the side while i've been going through this great mental upheaval of late.

Blogging daily is one of my Rituals, though, and it's something i take pride in. i may not always write well, but Master enjoys all my entries and, though i missed one day, i made it up by double posting the next. This is something that helps bring me closer to my true self, which is another thing i've been dealing with as of late.

Master doesn't want me to develop Rituals that are too rigid and disallow for change, but other than those guidelines, he doesn't see a problem with me coming up with ways for me to feel connected. In the end, i feel it will further my submission to him and it gives me a good feeling that Master trusts in me enough to let me develop these on my own without him directly telling me what to do.

The problem is keeping up with these Rituals. In the smallest signs of stress, i tend to forget how far i've come and just drop it all and go back to the old me. But i really don't want that. i'm almost certain this time that with that much motivation, i'll be able to truly hang on this time.

Restful day

Master gave me a day off today, so i basically spent all day playing video games. Since getting this Xbox 360 Elite, it's pretty much what i've chosen to do in my time off lately. Which is both good and bad. Good because it gets me out of my room and around people, but bad because i end up sitting on my ass playing video games.

But really, today was a good day. It's rare for me to be able to truly relax like this. Usually i'm so uptight that i just... can't relax at all. But i was able to complete a game to 100%, plus play a bit more in a few other games. AND write up a game review on top of all of that. This is a big step for me, as it's something i've been kind of avoiding for a while.

i really wish i could do something better with my review blog. It seems pretty crap right now. Maybe since i've taken so much time away from it, i can figure out something new.

Aah, back to Supernatural with Master.

i am not perfect

i know, quite the shock eh? i never really thought i was perfect, but i used to strive to be. In some ways, i still do. i'm a perfectionist to an unhealthy degree. So much so that my self esteem suffers if i just can't do things right. And that's something Master has been working with me on fixing.

It's starting small. i mean, it's so goofy to even admit this, but i used to spaz out whenever i would lose at video games. Truly, i was the definition of a poor sport. Now, even if i lose, i can easily shrug it off. i did my best, why worry any more?

But other aspects of my life, i'm still having difficulties thinking this way. Particularly when Master asks something of me. If it's not 100%, just exactly right, i really beat myself up mentally. i try to apply the same logic that i do with video games, but it just doesn't seem to fit right.

But this is still a good step forward. At least i can do this now.

New opportunities

Our car died today. Just... out of nowhere, actually. We were picking up mom's prescriptions from Target and it just wouldn't start. Thought it could possibly be the battery. Wasn't that. Had to have it towed to Sears Auto Center so they could check the starter and alternator. Wasn't either of those. Had to have it towed to yet another garage (Golden Gate Auto of Fairfield, CA; they come highly recommended from me, BTW). Turns out, it's the ignition switch.

But despite all this, i've been trying to keep a positive attitude all day. Firstly, the kiddo was great. No whining, no crying, no misbehaving whatsoever during the panicky anxiety parts of the day. That right there is terrific on a good day, but it's an absolute blessing on a bad day. Secondly, i got to ride in a tow truck for the first time. It was a lot bumpier than i would have ever expected.

Maybe it's just a silly thing to count as a positive. But really, i love new experiences. When i have an opportunity to try something i've never tried before, i like to think i'm pretty balls to the wall. Or at least, i am now that i have Master in my life. Before him, i was very timid. But since starting this relationship with him, i'm finding myself yearning for more excitement and adventure. Probably because i never had it before him. i often feel foolish because he's so much more experienced. But he always reassures me saying he'll take me on adventures. And i love him for that.

Sickness

So i'm starting to feel better, although i'm pretty certain that i've got an ulcer, which explains the nausea and stomach pains. i've been under a lot of stress lately, but after listening to Master's advice, i'm feeling better. This isn't the first time i've had an ulcer brought on by stress, but it's been quite a number of years, so i wasn't even thinking of that as a possibility. i'll talk to my doctor about it on Tuesday when i go in for my annual check-up just to be absolutely sure. i don't like self-diagnosing.

i really dislike how ill i can become and there's always the possibility of worse ailments in the future because of my genetics. i know i can't control them, but still. My mother survived three different kinds of cancer, which is great, but also means i'm at a higher risk. And that worries me. Just knowing how concerned Master has been for my health makes me so sad. Not that i am sad that he's worried about me, just that i don't like to see him that concerned. Of course, it just means that he cares. But there's still something inside of me that dislikes when others worry over me. That's supposed to be my job.

Moving forward

i have to admit that, even when i feel i'm slipping backwards, i am still pushing ahead. When i started this blog, the few comments i got were always met with anxiety on my part. i have terrible social phobia and speaking with others that i don't really know was so nerve wracking, it was amazing i was able to reply at all.

But i realize tonight that i've been able to reply to the comments left without feeling scared. This is a huge step for me. Instead of wanting to run away and ignore the comments, i look forward to replying. And i really do always try to reply to every comment.

So thank you, commentors, for helping me further down my path by allowing me to strengthen myself. My next goal is to be able to leave comments on others' blogs without feeling as if i'm a moron.

i spend more time bitching than being happy

But i guess that's because i'm not a naturally happy person. Perhaps someday, but i kind of doubt it. With all that i've been through and all the therapy i've still got to go through and i just... i feel as if i just make things worse for everyone.

Master says i need to trust in my succubus side. And i try. But it seems when i do that, i feel more and more ill physically. i don't understand what's even going on.

i feel as if i need to just... restart myself. It's a strange thought, though.