Thursday, December 31, 2009

New Blog

I've been gone a while. Things have been up and down, but the greatest news of all is that Master has said I am no longer in training and am now ready to be his full-time submissive! And although I'm still required to blog, I thought it would be better to start fresh. You can find the new blog here if you're still interested in following me on my journey.

Thank you all for the past year of support.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Can't sleep. Something earlier today triggered my memories of when my ex-husband raped me. It only happened once, but i never worked through it, so it sometimes still haunts me. A lot of time, i still feel it's my fault, even though i know in my head it's not. my heart doesn't feel it, though.

Of course, he denied it when i brought it up later, when i first left him. He doesn't see that it was rape. As far as he's concerned, my "duty" as his wife was to have sex whenever he wanted it, despite how i felt. But when someone says no, and you do it anyway, it's rape.

The worst part is, he knew that was my biggest fear, especially after seeing my mom raped at gunpoint when i was a child. And for him to deny that it happened, it's almost as if i just imagined it. But i can still see it so vividly in my mind. i don't want to get into the details, not in such a public space, but it was horrible. The thing that haunts me the most is that, after it was over and he had spent his load on me, he put his clothes on and walked out of the room, leaving me there, naked and vulnerable. It was the single most degrading thing i have ever endured in my life.

Even now, over five years later, i still get horrible dreams, sometimes of Master doing the same thing. i don't have any reason to believe he would ever do anything like that to me, but it scares me. i don't ever want to be that dehumanized again.

It's really difficult for me to talk about this. But i just need to get it out because if i keep holding it in, it won't go anywhere. And, really, i don't want response to this. It's not a cry for help or for attention. i just want to get it off my chest. i don't want this to change how people see me, because i'm still me, whether this is known or not. i guess that's why i'm so scared of sharing it with the world. Because the few people i have told it to, nearly all of them treated me differently after.

i can't stop shaking. i think i just need some warm milk, some calming music, and sleep.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

People never cease to amaze me. Just when i'm feeling like utter crap, both physically and mentally, the world shows me how wonderful its inhabitants can be. Not only did Master and i have a very important talk and he reassured me that he will stand by my decision, but just when i was feeling unloved and unwanted, others comforted me when i whined about feeling ill.

i guess my bad moods really can be ridiculous at times. Not that i ever really doubted that, but still.

Either way, i think an early bed ought to be in order for tonight. i'll talk to Master about it once he's out of the shower.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Today has been pretty rough. i've been easily overwhelmed by everything and i feel worthless. i know Master wouldn't want to hear that, but i can't really help how i feel in this matter. i think it's also PMDD, partially. It's the right time of the month to be feeling like this, at any rate, though i hate blaming my bad moods on something biological and not taking accountability for my own feelings.

i can tell Master has been trying to make sure i keep my stress reduced today. And i do appreciate it, but at the same time, i don't know if i enjoy feeling like he's... coddling me, i guess. i want him to treat me as normal as possible, especially when i'm like this. It really helps me feel as though right now is any other time. But i know that he does it because he doesn't want me to get even more anxious and stressed. And i appreciate it, even if i don't always agree with it.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

i feel a bit of a bitch today. Though i know it would be morally better to accept the apology, i feel as if i just can't. i'm too angry, and Master's integrity was insulted. She's really quite lucky it wasn't in person she said this, or i would have slapped her, though it might upset Master to hear that.

In more pleasant news, Master and i both had eerily similar dreams today. i want to work towards what we saw in our dreams, as it's something that i've been desiring for a long time. It would be quite wonderful to be able to be fully open with our kinks and our lifestyle and not have people judge us. Unfortunately, i just don't think that society as a whole is ready for that.

Also, it seems as though i've found some projects to undertake for myself. It will be fun to see if i can pull them off.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Things have been so nice lately. There is a decided lack of drama that i'm finding absolutely delicious. Of course, this may also mean it's a bit boring at times, but i'd rather have boredom than drama any day of the week!

Master and i have seemed to develop quite a mind sync and we're discovering that the distance isn't dampening its effects. We often have similar thoughts at the same time. It's interesting, since i've never had this closeness with anyone. i honestly think that the drama has only served to bring us closer, since we're a partnership and we work together.

my brain really isn't thinking well enough to write anything worth a damn right now :T

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

So things are a bit more worked out between Master and i. i'm just glad things remain unchanged between the two of us, despite the bad situation that happened last night. A cooling off period will probably be the best thing.

i guess what hurt me so badly about the situation isn't so much how it affected me, but the implications that it had on Master's integrity as Master. He is the one who decides how much and when the affection will come. If he isn't showing as much affection towards me or anyone else, that's because he has his reasons not to and he should be trusted. Or, if it's that necessary, it should be brought up to him, not to a third party.

And that, i think, is the true rub of it all. i trusted Master enough to know that he would show me love and affection when he felt it needed to be shown, but she couldn't handle that. i'm sure she wanted Master all to herself, but the connection between Master and i is soul-deep and that's not something that someone else can take away.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Things got... complicated today. i don't really want to talk too much about it, other than the fact that i'm relieved i'm not the cause of it for once.

And i'm also convinced i can't be friends with females for the most part. i tend to make many feel insecure or jealous and that's not something i tend to be very comfortable with. i don't mean to sound conceited, honestly.

Ugh, i'm not really mentally up for anything else tonight. It's almost curfew anyway.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Thank you all for the congratulations about our engagement! It means a lot to know that so many people wish us well.

Since then, i've been thinking a lot about the relationship between Master and myself. It's been interesting, to say the least. We've been together for the past three years and, while this hasn't been my longest relationship, it's certainly the most fulfilling. i've never felt so loved by anyone before, even while he's directing me to follow his orders (or, perhaps, i feel even more loved because of it?).

And we seem to keep adding new dimensions to it all the time. But it all works and only ever serves to enhance what we have, even if most people just wouldn't understand it.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

It's been... strange adjusting to Master being gone. While we do have the internet as a medium in which to converse, i miss his presence.

But i've also come to realize just how much i'm ready to make a big step in my life. Master asked me to marry him and i've accepted. i want this so much more than anything else that i can possibly think of. And even though my last marriage was a disaster, i know it will be different with Master.

And, what's more, i have everyone's blessing this time around! My mom doesn't even mind that it means i'll be moving out of the country eventually. She knows that, with Master, i'll be safe and taken care of. That's a huge relief to me, since she never cared for my ex. And i could see why, but i was trying too hard to escape the life i was in with my father around to really care.

But this time, i'm marrying Master for the right reasons, not just because i want an escape. And that, i know, will make all the difference in the world.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Going to definitely have to start this back up now that Master isn't here. It helps me feel more connected to him.

He left this morning. It was one of the most heart breaking things i've ever had to do. i learned so much about myself in the short time that he was here. It's honestly quite a bit crazy to really sit back and think about it. Not only do i feel stronger as a person, i truly feel that i've accomplished more as Master's pet than i could have ever hoped for.

But what kills me more than anything right now is not being able to lean over and give him a back rub or massage his feet. my hands long for something, anything, to do with Master, so i figured that writing here would be the best for it, since this is also serving Master. i just hope he knows how much his pet thinks about him.

Friday, November 6, 2009

It's been awhile.

Master hasn't pushed me to blog since he's been here. We've mostly been trying to explore each other and our dynamic and find what works.

What i'm personally having difficulty with is accepting and realizing just how much Master truly loves me. Never before have i encountered anyone who is as accepting and loving to me as he is. When i thought that he was embarrassed to be with me, he just held me and explained how he is never embarrassed. i don't know.

This is all so new to me. As much as i hate to admit it, i've been through a lot of abuse in my life. So when someone is kind to me, i really have no idea how to react. It's pretty stupid, i think.

So i'll try to catch up on comments and start blogging again. i think if i had done it this past week, things would have been a lot less... overwhelming.

Friday, October 30, 2009

Today has been wonderful in every sense of the word. We went out to the mall today to do some shopping. Master spoiled me completely, which i felt badly for, but as he said, "I haven't spoiled you for a year, let me do it for today." So, of course, i didn't complain and just enjoyed.

But it truly makes me happy at how much of a family we are, Master, the imp and i. And i even got to show Master how well i've been working on my service skills during dinner and how i was able to get the food and drinks to everyone without missing a beat. i think he was impressed. Or, at least, i hope he was.

i just want to continue soaking up all this wonderful time with Master, because i know it will be over all too soon...

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Today has been one of the better days in recent memory. Master arrived at about 11 and we got back to the house for lunch. He informed me that formal training will begin tomorrow, so we were able to relax in each other's company. And relax we did.

Honestly, waiting a year for sex, while not an enjoyable year, made sex the first time in a year the most memorable. It was like everything was new all over again, though i still retained all the experience i've gleaned over the years. The way he felt inside of me again felt as if everything was exactly as it should be. As ridiculous as it is to admit, i teared up when he entered me.

But i am excited that tomorrow is the start of my training. It's one thing that i've been waiting for. But i trust Master to get me there at the time he feels is best.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

My formal training begins tomorrow and i'm so excited that i can't contain myself. Unfortunately, it feels like my ear infection is back in full force. At least i'm not the one supposed to be flying this time, since i would end up grounded. As it is, i just feel like crawling into bed right now, hoping that tomorrow arrives faster. But at the same time, i really want to spend as much time with Master as I can before curfew.

i'm so curious as to how things are going to work between the two of us. As it is, this is going to be one of the most interesting times of my life yet to come. i can't wait!

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

This month isn't a great month for my PMDD. i've found myself getting overwhelmed with the littlest provocation. And i'm not really sure why, other than it's just the crazy hormone problems that come along with PMDD.

Even with as bad as this is, it's still not going to get as bad as back in August. i will not be making a return trip to that hospital, even if it means i have to work harder to find ways to make things work. i can't end up back there.

And, although i wouldn't allow it yesterday, i will admit today that i'm awfully proud of myself for what i didn't do yesterday. Though every instinct told me to do something to hurt myself, i resisted it. i haven't been able to do that since i started self injuring over 10 years ago. That's a big step and i have to keep moving forward.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Meditation Monday

i'm trying something slightly different today. My brain wasn't thinking well at first, so i'm had Master help me answer the first few questions. He provided the main answer, while i worked at expanding on them.

Today, i have served Master by
willingly submitting to Master in my times of weakness and trusting in his ability to help me. Right now, i'm in the middle of being overwhelmed by PMDD, often blowing things out of proportion. i don't often admit when i need help, even to Master, but tonight i did. To Master, this shows a commitment to my goal of complete submission and to him as my Master.

Tomorrow, i can further serve Master by expressing myself more openly and discussing my goals and desires in my submission to Master so we can reach the potential i have and the desires i thirst for. This is going to be a bit difficult for me, because i'm not used to opening up, but if it will help me serve Master, i certainly will do my best.

One thing that can help with my servitude is trusting in my abilities, instincts, desires and my True Self, as well as revealing my True Self to Master. i often have a bad habit of hiding away, even from myself, so i would be able to serve Master better if i stopped hiding and just trusted my True Self.

my goal in serving Master is to continue to fully trust myself. By Master placing trust in me, it shows me that i am worthy of that trust and i will eventually learn to trust myself. This is probably the hardest lesson of all i've had to learn, not just in my submission to Master, but in my life in general.

Through my service, i hope to learn how to appreciate things better. Tonight, i did something that i was proud of, but there was a part of me that wouldn't allow myself to appreciate that, so the moment felt spoiled and i no longer wished to even acknowledge what i had done. This is self destructive and unhealthy and i wish to change it because, not only will it help me, it will help Master as well.

A moment in my life that lead to my servitude was the first time i had discovered consensual submission/slavery. i don't know why, but i never imagined such a thing was possible, but it truly appealed to me in a way few things ever have. It was like discovering that part of me that had felt empty was now filled with ideas and yearnings that i finally understood.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

i started cleaning today, though it's not finished. But even if Master arrives and the room is in the shape it's in, it's enough for us to live with. It doesn't have to be sparkling, which is good because i still don't feel well enough to really do much of anything.

i'm reminded a lot of when i was younger and how badly i was affected by ear infections. My body is not very good at fighting them off, nor are my ears equipped like a normal person's. My Eustachian tubes are misshapen, so that fluid behind the ear drum doesn't drain properly, continuing the ear infection for many weeks past when it ought to have been cleared up.

Perhaps i'm thinking too much. This is, after all, only the second day i've been on medication. But i keep thinking about how i've had a single ear infection last for months, even up to a year, and i'm paranoid that this might not heal the way it should.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Feeling a bit better today. Even still, Master gave me a pass on most of my tasks for today, though i'm still trying very hard to get it done.

The time is getting closer to when Master arrives. He's starting to get anxious, and i just don't know how to help him feel better. He says that it's normal and it happens every time, but it's a bit reassuring to know that he's nervous about being here with me as i am being with him. It shows me how much he cares that he's nervous to be around me.

Friday, October 23, 2009

So i do, indeed have an ear infection. It's been difficult trying to complete tasks while i've been sick, but i got them done. Of course, it helps that Master hasn't pushed me hard yet. But i'm sure that will change a bit when he comes out here and we work on things together. We've never really worked through what's truly expected of each other in our dynamic. i know that's a bit silly to not have done until now, but everything has been at a distance. Now that we're getting closer to being physically together all the time, it's time to really sit down and hash things out.

i'm not going to lie; i'm a bit nervous about it all. i worry that i'm going to let Master down. i know i've said this far too many times, but it's a big fear for me. i really don't want him to feel let down by me. But i'm sure all this will be worked out before too long.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

i haven't felt very submissive lately. It's not that i don't do what Master has asked or completed my tasks, but it doesn't feel like it's actually useful in any way. Master insists that it's to help me learn, so all i can do is trust him and believe that it is useful.

Maybe it's because i suspect i have an ear infection and i don't feel up to my best. It's strange, but it seems like i only feel truly submissive when i'm at 100%. i just don't get it.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

i feel so out of energy lately. Nothing has gotten done, at least not to the level i would like it to be. What's worse is that i believe i'm coming down with an ear infection. i haven't had one in years, but i don't have hearing in my left ear right now. i just hope that there's a way that Master can still communicate with me if i ever lose my hearing completely.

That's a big concern of mine, especially since i've known since i was young that i would probably lose my hearing before i get to 40. i've contemplated learning American Sign Language, but i feel a bit intimidated. i'm already fluent in two spoken languages and i don't know how difficult it would be for me to learn another, non-verbal language. i can finger spell, but that feels so childish.

Master and i are definitely going to have a lot to discuss this trip.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Meditation Monday Tuesday

So i forgot yesterday was Monday, so my meditation had to wait until today. i hope that this doesn't disrupt things too much.

Today, i have served Master by
remembering tasks that i forgot to complete, in addition to working on my daily assigned tasks. And, even though Master is not upset by my forgetting about my special Monday posts, he still expects one to be done, which is why i'm doing it now. My blog posts offer insight into my mind that Master enjoys.

Tomorrow, i can further serve Master by continuing to prepare for his trip here. The house is mostly clean, with just our room the final area that truly needs a lot of work. It shouldn't take too much more than a few hours, but it's something that still needs to be done. i have nearly a week to complete this task, but tomorrow is as good as any other day to finish.

One thing that can help with my servitude is remembering that i only serve one Master. One of the problems i've had growing up is that i would always defer to everyone, even if i didn't necessarily respect them. Part of what i've discovered about my service to Master is that real pleasure only comes from serving someone whom i respect.

my goal in serving Master is to continue to improve myself, both as Master's pet and as a person in general. Serving Master has made me a stronger person in body, mind and soul, and it's something that i wish to continue to improve upon.

Through my service, i hope to learn to be who i truly wish to be. i've let so many other people define me that i lost who i really was. But now, it's almost like i have a clean slate to start over. So through my service, i hope that i develop into the woman i know i am inside.

A moment in my life that lead to my servitude was realizing that i was naturally a submissive person. i was once asked if i could ever switch or even be a Domme, but the thought makes me very uncomfortable. i'm not one to take charge, at least not in that capacity. It makes me uncomfortable and it doesn't feel right.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Only 10 days until Master arrives. i feel really shitty because i kind of snapped at him earlier when he was trying to be comforting. It's just that when i'm in a bad mood, the last thing i need is to have someone try and love me. Even after all this time, i'm not used to affection, not really. i suppose i'm getting there, but i'm not really there yet.

i don't know what i can do to make myself realize that it's ok to be loved. It's just kind of a hangup that i have. Hopefully it's something that i can work through.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

There are many times when i'm very insecure. Today was one of those. An old friend has been talking with an ex-friend of mine and i'm just very nervous as to one might say to the other about me. i truly don't want to lose another friend over all this, but Master said something that makes sense. That friend is a good person and, if he's as close to me as i thought we were, there's nothing that someone else can say to him that would change his opinion about me.

i'm not sure why i get so hung up on things. i guess it's because people tend to think of me as kind of a slut and, those who don't, are the only real friends i have. i might like sex, but i'm certainly no slut, despite the way i might talk at times. i'm just very secure in my sexuality. But it would kill me for him to think of me as a slut, because that's just not what i am.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

i was actually social today! i honestly couldn't believe it. i went to a tea party that my aunt's quilting guild put on. Unfortunately, i was extremely bored with how vanilla the whole affair was. But what does one expect from a bunch of old ladies?

But it made me thing that i would love to attend a kinky tea party. It would really be all kinds of fun, and i've proven to myself that i'm doing a lot better in social situations. i wouldn't have to be afraid of being myself, as i was kind of on edge from that a bit at today's event. After all, i wouldn't want to shock these ladies into a heart attack!
Master is so kind to me. Even though i had the flu and couldn't finish my tasks, he understood and told me how he feels my health is more important. That means so much to me, as no one else in my life has ever felt my health was an important factor in anything.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

i am having an off day today. i just don't feel like myself. In fact, i probably would rather be anyone else BUT myself right now. i didn't do one of the tasks Master asks of me daily. And, at this rate, it looks like i won't be getting it done at all. i don't really have an excuse as to why i haven't done it, i just haven't. i haven't told Master yet, either, so i don't know how he's going to react. i do expect to be punished. After all, i was supposed to take care of that for Master and i just didn't do it.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Tomorrow marks two weeks before Master arrives. i don't know if i can wait that long. The anxiety has passed and now all that's here is the excitement at how nice it will be to be in his physical company again. While we're always together spiritually, it's very rare that we get to be physical, so it's something that is really quite wonderful when it happens.

And, unlike the past few times, i don't have to abstain from orgasms for the next two weeks, because it's been a whole year since we were together. Generally, Master has me abstain because he wants to make sure that i'm properly worked up by the time he gets here. But seeing as i haven't had sex for a year, which is quite a long time for someone like me, he knows just how worked up i'm likely to be anyway ;)

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Today was almost like one giant panic attack in the making. i'm not sure what it was: the weather, the fact that my hearing has been getting worse, Master's upcoming visit. All of it is kind of keeping me on edge.

The strangest part is that i don't know why Master's visit has got me so edgy. i love him and it's been an entire year since i've been with him, so why wouldn't i be more excited? Well, i am excited, but i'm also really, really nervous. i have a feeling that i'm going to let him down in a terrible way.

But, even with all the stress, i didn't have an actual panic attack. So i have to give myself credit in that respect, at least. i am getting better with my handling of stress and anxiety. So there's that.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Meditation Monday

Today, i have served Master by pushing through and finishing my tasks, despite feeling depressed. Motivation is not an easy thing to come by when i don't feel 100% up to everything, but Master's approval is always something i can get the energy up to strive for.

Tomorrow, i can further serve Master by keeping an eye on my emotions and checking for signs of further depression. Then, i can talk to Master about it, instead of holding it all in and just hoping that it goes away. It doesn't do Master or myself any good to keep the depression held in and it can only serve to cause a rift between us.

One thing that can help with my servitude is reminding myself that, by serving Master, i am, in a sense, serving myself. This is the life i chose and i am happy with it. By complaining internally about things that i "don't feel like" doing, it doesn't get the task done, nor does anything i truly want get accomplished. In the end, by following through with the tasks Master sets for me, i end up happier and feel more fulfilled than if i go "off course."

my goal in serving Master is to ensure that we work as a team, within the constraints of our dynamic. Though he is Master and i am pet, we are of equal worth. My service to him is not only beneficial to him, but to myself, just as his guiding hand is beneficial to me as well as Master.

Through my service, i hope to learn how better to cherish myself. This is something that i don't do hardly ever, if at all. Master deserves a pet that is full of confidence and love for herself. After all, Master would not have chosen me as his pet if i was of no value to him. And if he sees value in me, then something must be there to be cherished.

A moment in my life that lead to my servitude was when i was still married to my ex-husband. All i wanted was for a pair of hands and words to guide me, though i didn't know to what extent. When he refused, i felt lost and afraid. It wasn't until after i found my way to Master and had someone to guide me that i realized that this is what i had been missing in my life all this time.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

The time draws closer to when Master arrives. i'm both excited and anxious. The excitement part is obvious, but the anxiety is probably less so. Sure, i'm a naturally anxious person, but this goes beyond my normal anxiety. i think it's probably because, the last time we were together, we were still really negotiating what it would mean for him to be Master and me to be pet. Now that we're through that part, my training truly begins and i'm not really sure what is going to be expected of me. Mostly, i'm just afraid of failing to live up to Master's expectations.

Honestly, though, i don't have any clue what he's going to be training me in. The prospect of being trained is very exciting, though. i want to be able to be molded into the perfect pet for Master; to be able to serve him in every capacity that he desires. i really just hope i don't mess it all up. i do expect to make mistakes, naturally. But i just hope they're not such horrible mistakes that i can't bounce back from them. That's one of my biggest fears.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

We've decided to push the imp's bedtime back, so Master and i actually will be having less time alone in the evenings. In one way, it's kind of terrible, because i really enjoy my time with Master, so much so that i'd be willing to put up with the imp being up all night playing because i put her to bed. But that wouldn't be fair to any of us, really.

Being a mother is almost as demanding as being Master's pet. Not that Master truly makes that many demands of me, but motherhood comes far more naturally to me in a lot of ways. But it's easier for me to guide and see our daughter grow than it is to see myself grow, if that makes any sense at all. By serving Master, i, myself, am growing as a person, but it's strange not being the one guiding it, instead giving all that over to Master. But, i suppose, that's all part of why i'm Master's pet.

Friday, October 9, 2009

i don't know where i'd be without Master's constant support. i only hope that i provide to him as much as he always seems to provide to me.

Today we found out that my mother has a bad heart. From what it appears, she's got four blocked arteries, which is strange because she's never had a problem with her cholesterol, but she does have high blood pressure. There's a 5% chance that they could be wrong, but more likely than not, she's going to need an angioplasty. And, if that doesn't work, she'll need a bypass.

i'm still unsure how i feel about all of this. It's just so new and overwhelming that i can't feel it yet. But it's coming, i know it is. And when it does, i'm going to be so scared. Hopefully all that will wait for the next 20 days, so i will physically be in Master's presence and it will make it seem less terrible.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Is love a part of your dynamic? Can love coexist in a Master/slave relationship?

Love is most definitely a part of the dynamic between Master and i. i don't think i could ever truly serve a Master or Mistress that i didn't love, even if only love as a Master/Mistress. Without that, i think, there isn't much of a relationship. But then again, i believe all relationships are based on varying degrees of love, even if it's the opposite of love, as in the case of enemies.

i'm a difficult demon to tame, honestly, and i've never found anyone that i could really serve besides Master. Sure, i used to, and in many ways still do, drop what i'm doing to help others, but this is less about service and more about my own desires. i like to help and i'm happy to do so. But i help others because it makes me feel good. i serve Master because that is my role.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Thank you everyone for all the positive comments to my last post! It's truly amazing how well received that was, considering how nervous i was of posting! But the love stayed with me all day. Even when things seemed pretty stressful, i was able to keep moving because i realized how awesome i am (and gorgeous to boot ;D)

Of course, sometimes i think that all the compliments will give me a big ego. It's part of the reason why i always seemed to tear myself down; i wanted to give the appearance of being modest. And, i suppose, in a lot of ways, i AM modest. i downplay my skills a lot, but mostly because i don't think that, outside of service to Master, i have that many skills. And even then, i think my service is always in need of improvements.

But, again, i really want to thank you all for the love <3

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Hot Fat Girl Revolution

i was completely inspired by this blog post by Lilly and decided to take a plunge and post a picture of myself. i'm only just becoming comfortable with myself, so it's a bit scary to be posting a picture here, but i want to show the world that i feel i am beautiful, despite being plus sized. It wasn't easy and i'm still really nervous and thinking about deleting this post, but i've already promised Master, so i will post it.

i never take nudes, for the most part. i've taken some for Master and i've put up some of just my breasts. And i especially never show off how wide my hips are, but i decided that this was the best way to fully embrace this was to show it off. Besides, this is the body of a woman who had a child, you seriously can't expect it to be model thin (not that i ever was).

Weight is something i've actually struggled with my whole life. As an adult, the lightest i've been is 185lbs. Right now, i'm at 210, but i still think i'm gorgeous. As much as i dislike showing them off, i truly love the curve of my hips (particularly when paired with a cute pair of jeans and a t-shirt, my usual casual wear).

And if you don't like it, you can sod off and go fine someone else's boobs to stare at.

By Zoe Whittal
BECAUSE being a hot fat girl is a lot of work and is undervalued or unrecognized. Because a fat girl still has to pay more money for uglier clothes or spend 11 hours at the thrift store to find anything hot to wear. Because if you take the elevator people think you’re lazy but if you’re on the treadmill people laugh. Because men like John Goodman and Bernie Mac get to have careers on television but sitcom moms of three still have size-two waists. Because even feminist magazines publish fat-phobic articles under the guise of it being a “health issue.” Because anti-capitalist activists still use expressions like “fat capitalist pig.” Because girls are dieting at the age of nine. Because side effects of the most popular diet drugs are seizures, heart failure, fecal urgency, breast cancer, lung disease, insomnia, nausea and vomiting, dangerously high blood pressure, abnormal heartbeat, psychosis, strokes, hallucinations and sudden death. Because the Cooper Institute’s ongoing study of 30,000 people has found that those who are fittest live the longest, no matter what they weigh. Because the doctor who said that there were 30,000 “obesity-related” deaths each year received over $2 million in research funding from Jenny Craig and Weight Watchers. Because that study prompted the FDA to approve Phen-Phen and Redux. Because fat hatred is a money-making industry. Because fat people who exercise live longer than thin people who don’t. Because if you lose weight ’cause you’re sick people tell you how great you look. Because hatred is so ingrained in every single one of us, especially inside the heart of even the hottest fat girl. Because even the most progressive people don’t talk or write about it. Because I am tired of being ignored, invisible, de-sexualized and told that I have such a pretty face. Because it’s not fat that kills, it’s fear of fat. For all that and more I am a part of the HOT FAT GIRL REVOLUTION!

Monday, October 5, 2009

Introducing Meditation Monday

In an effort to concentrate this blog further on my service for Master, i am going to be starting a continual feature: Meditation Monday. Every week, i'll be answering the same questions, as a way of concentrating and reminding myself of my place as Master's pet. i am hoping that this will help shape my servitude as well as the focus of this blog.

Today, i have served Master by performing and finishing my tasks. Even though there aren't many tasks Master asks of me, i always try my best to see them through to their ending.

Tomorrow, i can further serve Master by performing and finishing my tasks in a more efficient manner. i allowed far too many things distract me today and, although Master isn't displeased because the tasks were still finished, i could better serve him by being more efficient.

The one thing that can help with my servitude is more reminders that i am Master's first and foremost. While i never truly forget, i sometimes allow myself to agree to do things for others or i allow my attention to be given to others when Master is needing it.

my goal in serving Master is to make his life even just a bit easier with my service to him and to be the best pet that i can possibly be for him.

Through my service, i hope to learn to better myself as well as be the best pet to Master that i can possibly be. He is a deserving Master and he has helped me in many cases to better myself already, but i would certainlylike to continue the journey of betterment.

A moment in my life that lead to my servitude was when Master first commanded me to do something, even before we were Master and pet. There was something so authoritative to his choice of words and it made me realize just how much i wanted to submit and serve this man.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Other than Master, i don't think people truly understand how i see the world. Whenever it is that i share my visions of it with someone else (and this is a rare occurrence), i'm always met with disappointment. People just don't understand and they try to tell me that the way i see things is wrong or misguided. Is it so wrong to have a different viewpoint than others? And is it too much to ask to at least have someone accept that i see things that way?

In fact, i can't even get most people to tolerate it, which is why i never bother bringing up anything to anyone. In one way or another, i'm always shot down and it feels like not only is this person rejecting my ideas, but they're rejecting me as well. That's kind of a kick in the ass.

But, in all this, at least Master understands and, even if he doesn't agree 100% with everything, he accepts that those are my feelings and doesn't try to force his own changes upon me. He will, however, influence me, especially in more positive directions if i happen to be being quite negative about myself. But he still accepts my feelings for what they are: mine.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Have you felt illness or other factors (depression, stress, PMS, etc) interfere with your ability to serve as well as you want? How do you handle those times?

Yes, many times. In addition to being diagnosed with depression, i also have PTSD and PMDD, and both play havoc in my service to Master. Lately, my PMDD is really acting up and i've been quite distant from Master all day. It's so strange, it seems to get this way right before we see each other. i suppose it's just because we know we'll be seeing each other soon?

i have difficulty handling things when my mental illnesses get in the way of my service. i start to take things out on myself, often culminating in me harming myself or just saying negative things to myself. i've been trying to stop that lately, but it's not always easy. And, really, i'm very nervous as to what things will be like once Master is here.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Master will be here in 27 days. i know i often give the impression that we're together full-time, but it's just not like that yet, unfortunately. It's just easier to ignore the distance if i don't address it as much. But his plane ticket was purchased this morning and he'll be here for Halloween, which is our holiday. So much so, that we've decided that, whenever it is that we do get married, that's the day we're getting married on.

i suppose it's because of our other natures that we feel so close to that side of things. We both embrace our demonic sides, though not necessarily in truly evil ways. i'd say we're more mischievous and sinful than truly evil. We enjoy corrupting others with lust, but not so much that it would ever hurt anyone and it's never malicious.

my brain feels so scrambled tonight.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Sometime soon, Master and i are going out to dinner together. He's requested that i wear my collar (of course!) as well as a semi-revealing dress. i'm very excited, because this will be our first time out in public as Master and pet! Not that we've never been out on dates or to dinner before, just that it was always pretty... casual? That's not quite the word i'd like to use, but i can't think of a better one at the moment.

But, as i said, i'm very excited about this. i can just imagine the kinds of looks i'll be getting and i wonder if Master will order for me and take charge, or if it will be my responsibility to make sure he's taken care of. i suppose that's something that we'll need to talk about! We've never really had a discussion regarding proper public protocol, seeing as we've never done anything in public!

i'm so giddy over this, though. Unfortunately, i can't discuss this with too many friends, because i don't have a lot that will understand the lifestyle.

i wonder if Master will humiliate me in public. i can almost feel the flush across my cheeks now! Aah! So exciting!

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

i rarely get to be Master's pet in public. i don't know why that is. i suppose that it's because there are too many people in this town who know me and it might put me in a bad position. But why should it matter what they think of me? i don't have a job right now, so no employer to be aware of. But there's always the thought of perhaps a future employer finding out.

But i would like to be Master's pet in public more often. i love to feel his dominance over me in every aspect of our life. It makes me feel alive.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Once again, positive thinking has gotten me through the day. When everything was going wrong, Master just reminded me of how great i am and i got through. Then i got the best news ever: i actually am only a semester away from getting my AA. This is surprising, because i had dropped my classes in the middle of the semester because of extenuating circumstances. i just found out that college passed me for those classes.

And, as silly as it was, that was my biggest thing holding me back from going back to school: the fact that i had taken most of a semester and i would have to retake the classes because of what happened. i can't even describe this feeling. But i think i will be looking at going back to school soon.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Today was a bit of a breakthrough for me. Or i would at least like to think so. Even when i messed up, i didn't yell at myself or treat myself like i was a terrible person or anything. i just reminded myself that i'm allowed to make mistakes and i moved on.

i haven't been able to do this for a very long time, if ever in my life. And i'm really, really happy with myself over all of this. For the first time, i feel free to really be myself without fear, because no one is here to beat me up if i'm wrong.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Master shared something with me today that he had never told me before. And it's given me the strength to keep pushing through with my healing, as well as my service to him. After all, if he can go through what he went through, i can get through this and still end up loving myself. He is truly the most amazing person to me and i'm sure i can be just as an amazing person as he is.

But really. i'm not that bad of a person, when it really boils down to it. i've been hurt, but who hasn't? The important thing is what i do from here on out.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

i am tired of being her doormat. As much as i love my mother, i don't think she understands just how rude she can be to me. i take every courtesy to make sure that i don't disturb her when she has her private time, but when the roles are reversed, she never considers me at all. And i've just had it tonight. Not only has she jawed at me all day about her problems, she wonders why i don't say anything about mine.

It's because, the one time i tried to open up yesterday and started crying, she turned around and made it all about her. Maybe i'm the selfish one, wanting someone to just listen to me about my problems, but i was tired of hearing about how pissed off she was at something that happened two weeks ago.

But, being the pushover that i am, i won't say anything and i will continue to take this. It's just the way i am.

Friday, September 25, 2009


i broke down in group today and sobbed about how depressed i am over having PTSD and how i feel like it's a death sentence. If i was going to break down anywhere, though, i'm glad it was there. Not only was everyone extremely supportive, but most even gave me help with how i can help myself.

The big thing is forgiveness, one of the women said. Not that i should forgive the people who hurt me for their sake, but rather for my own. If i can come to peace with what happened, then they would no longer have power over me.

But that's the part where i'm stuck at. How do i forgive those who have, i feel, really turned my life upside down? But i suppose if she can do it, and her parents stabbed and shot at her, i can forgive my father, ex-husband and aunt for the things they've done to me.

Thursday, September 24, 2009


Whatever i set out to do, i can generally do it easily. i tried making french toast for the first time today. And so I took a picture of how it turned out, which was fantastic.

The problem i have is that i'm a jack of all trades. i can pretty much do well at whatever it is i pick up, but i don't excel at anything. Which is what bothers me more than anything. Sure, i know a lot of people wish they could have the ability to do anything they try, but i would really just like to be able to go above and beyond the average person's skills at what i try.

But maybe this is just me bitching and moaning about things that i can't even really control.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

i think i finally figured out what's been going on with me lately. It was this time many years ago that my aunt kicked me out of her house, effectively making me homeless for a few weeks before i could fly out to my mom's new house. It's that point in my life that i really made a downward spiral for myself. And i've never fully forgiven her for it. i mean, i had to drop out of school only weeks after the semester started, but just long enough that i couldn't even get a partial refund on my tuition.

i want to be able to move past all this. To forgive her and let it move on, so i can move on with my life. But it's difficult. i still see her and, to this day, she hasn't apologized for what she did, even though i know she feels guilty over it. In a lot of ways, it's like my dad: he knows deep down he did bad shit to me by beating the crap out of me for nearly 20 years and stealing my money, but he won't ever apologize.

i'll find a way to forgive. i just hope it's before i spin further out of control.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Another life

i had a thought that i would love to run away from the life i have and just start all over. The problem is, i've already done this in the past and i know how disastrous that can work out. i lived a life for over five years that was partial fiction: a masquerade of the person i thought i wanted to be. To this day, i don't think my ex-husband truly as any idea of who i really am, simply because i lied to him our entire relationship.

i was determined not to do that in my relationship with Master. i saw how that turned out. i couldn't handle being that other me anymore than i could handle being the real me. But, again, i find myself wishing i could be the person i see deep inside myself. And i'm quite tempted to just shed my skin and become her. Maybe this time will be different? Or maybe it won't.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Art through pain

i've been thinking about this today. Is true art only achievable through knowing true pain? It seems as if all the great artists, be they musicians, painters, sculptors, etc. all have a history of trauma and they use their art as a way of coping.

That is, honestly, one thing i haven't ever really tried for myself. i've often wanted to, but i'm afraid that if the "art" doesn't come out perfectly, it's not going to be effective. This is, i feel, a ridiculous attitude for me to have. After all, the only purpose is to work through my trauma, not to necessarily produce a masterpiece.

i guess i just want so badly to be something great after being treated poorly for so long.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Even when my days are stressful, all it takes is an evening watching movies or gaming with Master to make me calm down. Today was no different. After struggling with the air conditioner this afternoon, i was hot and frustrated, and not in the fun ways. But Master and i decided to watch a movie tonight and it's been completely wonderful.

If only there were some way to bottle these relaxed feelings, so i could take them with me wherever i go. i have a feeling i'm going to need them this week.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

i don't know what it is, but i follow along with others far too blindly. Even others who are not Master can easily hold sway over my emotions and actions. It's truly scary for me when i think about it, especially when the more dangerous emotions and actions start coming out.

Things have been far too rough for me lately. i just want something to help me stay calm, but it seems like even that is denied to me.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Return to normalcy

Things finally felt a bit normal today. i probably did somethings i wasn't supposed to, but nothing too terrible. In the end, things will be ok, especially since i feel better now than i have in nearly a month.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

So let me explain what's been going on.

Things have kind of gone downhill a bit for me. i'm starting to feel i'm undeserving again, particularly because when i call people that are being paid to help me for help, they don't return my calls. So if people whose job it is to help me don't even want to help me, what hope do i have for everyone else?

i try to work on my self esteem. But it feels that, no matter what, there are always people who want to drag me down. And that sucks. Mostly, it's myself that i'm in constant battle with. i'm so used to being beaten down that a small part of me wants to stay there with what it knows, even though it'd be better for me to just move on.

In the end, i ended beating myself up, quite literally. i've got bruises up and down my right arm, including bruises on the tips of my fingers. my forehead split open after headbutting the wall (which also broke). This isn't a good thing. In fact, this is quite possibly the worst thing i think i could ever do to myself short of stabbing myself again.

But i also don't like opening up to people, because a) i feel as if i don't deserve it and b) i feel as if the people i open up to will end up hurting me, intentionally or not.

i'm just lost.
And it doesn't get any easier. It's like i'm in constant battle with myself.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Nothing really to say tonight. Just upset with myself and beginning to wonder if i'm even worth fixing.

Monday, September 14, 2009

i'm starting to think my health is failing me. Maybe it's just the realization that i have a lot of disorders, both physical and mental. Or maybe it's the fact that i've had a sharp pain in my ovaries on and off for months now. But really, i think it's because, by the time my mom was the age i am right now, she had been diagnosed with cervical cancer.

It scares me to death to think about having bad health problems like my mom has. And i'm late on my pop smear this year. So i'm so scared that maybe i've got some major problems going on there. Luckily, i have an appointment in two days, but i don't know what i'd do if something was wrong. i don't think i could handle it, not with everything else that's going on in my life.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

i've been a bit remiss in my part of Hellion. my duty is to write the story our project will follow. i've only got a few paragraphs into it, but i just haven't felt up to writing. i feel as if everything i touch turns to garbage the moment it comes out. This is probably just a low self-esteem issue. Which is why i dug out my old self-esteem handbook. Starting tomorrow, i'll try and work on that a bit in addition to the rest of my duties.

But what i truly hope to accomplish with Hellion is a way of bringing like-minded people together. People who realize that, although their bodies may be that of a human, their spirit is something different. After all, science has all but proved that all the myths are true. And i'm sure there are others out there who feel the same. We just need some way to bring them all together.

Saturday, September 12, 2009


Master and i finally watched the season premier of Supernatural. There's something about this show that brings the two of us closer. It could be the supernatural elements, which is a lure to the both of us, being an incubus and succubus. But i'd like to think it's also partly because of the lure of it being something bigger than its creators. It's something very similar to what we'd like to accomplish with our newest project.

i've been pretty tight lipped about it, but Master and i are working towards a multimedia project together. We want to bring some of our world view out and share it with the public. i'm not going to get too into the details at this moment, but it's something i'm very excited about. It's given me a great focus and a purpose to keep me going.

Friday, September 11, 2009


i need structure in my life. This isn't anything new i haven't known about myself. Without it, i wander around aimlessly, never really getting anything done. This, apparently, is all due to having PTSD, or so i'm being taught in my groups. i think it's a bit rubbish. i think i just need structure because of who i am as a person, not what disorders i have. i am not, after all, my disorders.

That being said, i really hope Master and i can truly come up with some great ways for me to serve him as well as a list of rules that i need to abide by. i think that's truly missing from our dynamic, and it bugs me quite a bit. i wish that it didn't. i feel as if, maybe, i'm pushing my ideals about this upon him. Of course, we've talked about this quite a bit, and he feels i'm not pushing, but he wants to make sure i take it slowly, so i don't get too overwhelmed, which it's very easy for me to do. But i really think i'm ready this time.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Boys' Night Out

Master went out with his friends again tonight. i think it's great that they can do something every week on average. Makes me feel like that i'm a part of his life, but not an interference within it.

But it gets me thinking about people who live near by that i consider friends. i don't really have too many of those. None, really. Most people around me tend to only want me to use me (and take that how you will, as i'm sure you won't be wrong). Even this new girl i've been talking to after meetings. She wants me to help her with her MP3 player, because she doesn't understand how to get songs onto it. And the week before that, she needed my help with setting up an email address for herself.

And it's not that i mind helping, but it'd be nice if there were some way that i could have the favor returned. But i know that will never happen.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

It never occurs to me just how alike Master and i are until we really sit down and talk for long hours. We are on the same wavelengths many times, often able to finish each other's sentences. It's almost like we're twins, but born to different parents, though i prefer to think of it as us being true mates.

Long before we were lovers, we were best friends. And even then, we had similar views of the world, but we were also both hiding secrets from the world and each other, because we were afraid it would turn the other away. It turns out that our secrets were the same and that it only ended up bringing us closer together than ever.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Glad that's over for another month

i'm feeling like myself again, which isn't a surprise since my period started yesterday. Hopefully my doctor will have a good solution by the time next month rolls around. i'm very much tired of the highs and lows that i get while going through PMDD. But at least everyone around knows my situation with it, so it doesn't seem like i'm just making it all up when i speak to my doctor. i don't know if she'll really believe me at first, but i hope so.

It's strange, though, because i almost feel like two different people sharing the same body. It's not like DID, though; i'm completely aware of what i'm doing and what's going on, i'm just powerless to stop the more dramatic actions. There are also no periods of blackouts, so it's not really like DID at all. But when i'm going through PMDD, i'm not Lilikka as i envision her. Or, rather, as i envision myself in my own mind. i'm more like the teenage version of myself, awkward and angry and definitely not who i'd like to be.

i think i shall be going to bed soon, though. i need a good amount of sleep to catch up on, plus i resume my meetings again tomorrow.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Losing myself

Once again, i feel as if i'm slipping away from my servitude. Master says that, by serving myself, i am serving him, but it feels a cheap way out for me. i don't know how else to explain it but that. i wish to be able to fully devote myself to Master and his desires. i've tried explaining to him that his desires are my desires and that, by serving him, i am serving myself. But all it does is lead us in a roundabout discussion.

i think it would be easier if we sat down together and wrote out a list of rules for me to follow. i really feel that that is what's keeping me from fully jumping into this lifestyle. Hopefully, we'll get a chance sometime in the near future to fix this and really be able to come up with something the two of us can agree with.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

i'd ask why but i know i'll never get an answer.

Saturday, September 5, 2009


my PTSD was triggered pretty badly today. It induced a panic attack so bad that i had to be brought to the ER via ambulance. i'm fine now, but my body wouldn't move and i couldn't breathe. It was really scary and i don't understand how anyone could inflict so much trauma on another human that it would cause them to have attacks like i had today.

But, i think, if i had to do my life all over again, i'd make the same choices, bad times and all, because all those choices brought me to Master. And, even though i have to struggle with all the terrible side effects of it, it's all worth it because i get to be with Master.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Rock out!

We got Guitar Hero 5 today and i've been rocking it on the bass ever since, singing a bit here and there. Really makes me miss the time i played bass. i might need to pick it back up sometime in the near future if this keeps up.

It's funny, you never really realize the little things that you miss. i stopped playing because i thought it would remind me of people that i've had fallings-out with, but, instead, it just makes me think of the good times. It's really a wonderful feeling.

And, of course, singing into the microphone and really being able to get it out without fear of being mocked is great. i'm not the best singer, but it makes me feel sexy when i do sing. And i don't get complaints from everyone around here ;)

Thursday, September 3, 2009

i spent the day reorganizing furniture in our bedroom. Master and i are far too rough on the furniture. This is the third bed we've needed in as many years. This one, however, is a wood frame instead of a wire frame, so hopefully this will last a lot longer.

But i've really worked myself to the bone, honestly. Besides getting our new bed in, i wanted to rearrange the room. i'm so glad i did, because it's left us a lot more room. For whatever reason, the previous layout of the room was so cramped, even though we have the same amount of furniture!

i do hope Master will be pleased once he sees what i've done with it all. i've told him about it, but didn't really clear the actual layout with him, hoping to surprise him a bit. i'm sure he won't mind it, especially because there's more room this way for more play ;)

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Today was a much better day than yesterday, thanks to help from Master and a friend, Mystic Dreamer. i suppose that's why i've had The Beatles' With A Little Help From My Friends stuck in my head all day.

i really am not sure what else to say, honestly, other than a thank you to the both of them.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

One more week

If i can just make it through this, i'll be ok.

Monday, August 31, 2009

Other paths

i often wonder what it would have been like had i taken other paths in my life. i once asked a boy out in high school. it was the first, and last, time i ever did anything like that. It didn't end terribly, but it didn't end how i would have liked it. Instead of being turned down flat out, he had explained that now just wasn't the right time for the two of us. And nothing ever came between us other than a friendship that has since been lost by time and distance.

But what would have become of me had he accepted my affection and returned it? Would i have ever met Master? Truly, that would have been a travesty, i think. But i would never have known, so how bad could it be? It's a strange thing to think about. Though i am really quite happy with how life has turned out for me. It's not ideal, no, but the good outweighs the bad and that's really all that anyone can ask for, right?

Sunday, August 30, 2009

This is not a good time for this

Mom had another TIA stroke and the imp has chicken pox. Add to that the fact that i'm going through PMDD right now, and i'm really ready to check myself back into the hospital. Only that won't solve any of the problems.

i'm trying my best to keep it all together, but it's so hard. It's like this is all coming down at once and i just don't know what to do. Master's been a bit preoccupied because he had to put his dog down. She was a good dog and i loved Precious a lot, so i can really understand why he's been thinking about her. He had a ceremony for her today and, although i couldn't attend in person, i was there in spirit.

But i feel as if i'm drowning and i never learned how to swim. It all feels like too much for me to handle.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Signs of Power

i discovered my personal power symbol today. i believe everyone has one, though not everyone realizes it until they see it. Mine took form today and it was really quite interesting. That's it to the left. It's a first draft and, admittedly, i'm no artist. But it does suit me well enough for now. There are many symbols behind it that wholly make up who i am, both as Master's pet and as a succubus.

i often wonder what it's like to not see the other side of the world; the side that most people dismiss as being "unreal." i've always seen this side, so i really have no other way of looking at it. And i know that there are people who probably think i'm pretty crazy for these beliefs i have, but i really don't care anymore. This is me, and it's what suits me and Master, and that's all that really matters.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Today was interesting. Not only was it the first time in years that i was invited to a party (albeit a small one), but i also got invited to a Live party during 1 vs. 100 tonight. It was the first time i had even used the headset that i got with my Elite. It was really quite interesting, and helped me feel like a completely normal person.

And, with all the turmoil i'm going through with my PMDD right now, feeling normal was exactly what i needed. i really exploded tonight. It wasn't a fun thing at all, really. But i found i couldn't help it. Everything was irritating me and i just... couldn't hold it in anymore. i yelled and screamed and wanted to hit my head through the wall. But i didn't do it. Even still, it scares me to think that the worst is yet to come.

Thursday, August 27, 2009


Today was just an extremely long day. Not only that, but it was hot and i was in a lot of pain in my ears.

i don't handle unpleasant pain well. Although i'm a masochist and enjoy pain when it's applied correctly, this kind of pain is unbearable because it feels there will never be any relief. i'm not sure if i can even explain it right. For instance, i enjoy the pain that's caused during play from bites, spankings, floggings, etc. because the sting that slowly fades. But this ache in my ear feels as if someone is continually stabbing me there and it won't let up.

Either way, i've taken some medicine, so hopefully the pain will subside. Unfortunately, there's not much that can be done with it wants to flare up like this. i was born with defective ears and all the scar tissue from the surgeries sometimes just hurt for no real reason. Luckily, i see my doctor next month and will mention it to her again, but they never do anything about it.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Laws of Attraction

During the group meeting today, we watched The Secret. Though the presentation itself was awfully goofy, the message was pretty neat. Basically, as you think, you are. This isn't anything new, or amazing. In fact, philosophers have been saying the same thing for thousands of years. You attract what you think about.

i suppose that truly is what drew Master and i together. i was hoping for a wonderful person that i could depend on like a best friend but someone who knew enough to take a firm stance with me when i needed it. And, seemingly out of nowhere, along came Master, just when i needed him most.

So i'm going to try and continue to feel and live the way i want to live, as well as what i hope to live. And we'll see if all this really does attract more of what i want into my life. That would certainly be a wonderful thing.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

i feel like my PMDD is starting up again. It's about that time, and i'm more aware of it, so i guess that makes sense. But really, i'm finding myself being overly sensitive to the things people say and do and it just makes me feel like i'm going to cry.

Even earlier today, i felt like just hiding in my room and crying. And it seemed to come out of nowhere, too. One moment, i was hanging out with friends and the next, i had to excuse myself before i started having a major panic attack.

i do not like this at all. i'm really very scared of what's going to happen when it gets closer and closer to the time when i'm most likely to explode. i really need to work on a schedule for myself tomorrow, so i can manage my moods better. Good thing that's the topic of tomorrow's meeting. i will bring all this up then and see what everyone else can suggest for it all.

Monday, August 24, 2009


i love to write, but i haven't been doing much of it lately. i often wonder if i should take the same approach to it as i do to the tasks Master sets for me. i ought to set aside time for it or at least not allow myself other pleasures until a certain goal is reached.

i've also restarted my review blog in a hope to keep my writing fresh. i'm not sure if it'll help in the long run, but at least it's part way towards my goal of practicing my writing. Eventually, though, i think i would love to write a biography of my mother. If there is anyone in this world that deserves one, it's her. Though mostly, i'm afraid it would read too much like a fiction, with all the craziness that's gone on in her life.

But Master is very encouraging towards my writing endeavors. He's constantly a source of inspiration and motivation.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

So the emotional high i felt yesterday was completely destroyed today in a matter of a few hours. i often think i'm bipolar, but i have none of the symptoms of mania that generally go along with it. But really, i'm just feeling utterly depressed tonight. And it doesn't help that mom and i got into a fight and that Master's PSP was stolen.

Between all this, i'm realizing just how much i hate humanity as a whole. Sure, there are some great individuals out there, but those are so few and far between. i don't know, i just wish more people would be cool about things. But then i guess we'd take those that are for granted.

i can't even think right tonight. Fuck.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

The power of being positive

i had a dream this morning. My negative aspects were telling me how all i need in this world is myself and that i need to stop opening up to so many people. That i can take care of myself. Then, in the same dream, i was suddenly all the positive things i've become and i was being hunted and chased down. It felt as if my own mind were trying to get rid of me. But i made a promise to myself that i was going to stay this positive as long as i can.

And, you know, it's brought me some greatly awesome things today. Not only did I rank 4th out of 25,000 people in a round of 1 vs 100 tonight, but i also won a copy of Guitar Hero 5! i didn't think i could accomplish either of those things, but i tried it and i did. It's truly amazing what being so positive can do for ones life.

It's strange in a way, though. i consider myself pretty demonic for the most part. i like the rush i get when i manipulate people. i lie a lot, and i do it well. Of course, these are things i'd never do to people i even moderately care about. But for being so positive, i sure do a lot of negative things at times. Then it gets me to thinking about karma. But perhaps i've got so much positive karma stored for doing so many nice things for those i care about that the few times i indulge in the negative, it doesn't affect it very much. Who knows how the bigger parts of the universe work?

Friday, August 21, 2009


i allowed myself some time to relax tonight. It was really great. i sad down with some pizza and a root beer and some video games and just... felt normal. This was seriously one of the best nights alone that i've ever had. And i couldn't believe that i have come so far as to allow myself to do something like that. It was really nothing i had ever done before.

Master seems to enjoy my new approach to life as well. Though he hasn't said anything directly, i can just tell that he respects what i'm doing with myself. He notices that i seem happier and just mentally healthier. And that's really, to me, the best part about all of this. i can be happy and indulge myself a bit and still manage to make Master happy? This is really a great life.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Disconnected again

Master and i have kind of been doing our own thing for days now. It's not that we haven't spoken; we have, but it's always been brief. We've both just been preoccupied with our own interests that we forgot about connecting with each other. So we made an effort to reconnect tonight.

It started with a viewing of District 9. It was a great movie and the two of us were able to just enjoy the film in each other's company. We sent each other messages throughout the movie, pointing out our favorite parts, just like what we'd do if we were watching a movie at home together.

Then we talked about our ideas we have for a game we'd like to someday develop. That's really the best part of our relationship, i think; the ability to work together so seamlessly and share our ideas so the both of us can work on our parts to implement them and make them a reality. And, as usual when the two of us work on a project, i'm very excited about all of this. And i'm even in the mood to write again! This is so wonderful.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

i think i may make some friends after all

Went to group meeting today and, surprisingly, i really feel like i fit in. i actually shared a part of me with the group and, in nearly an instant, i felt as if i could get along with the other women. Even before that, one of the girls there was wonderful enough to share her cheese with me. It was a touching gesture, especially since i had always thought she was a bit standoffish with me.

It was really amazing. i had never realized that, just by opening up a bit, i could not only welcome others into my life, but they'd be willing to let me into theirs. Of course, this make sense and i'm not sure why i never realized it before. But really, i'm glad i shared and i'm glad i'm on this road to continue to share with others. i do have to be careful who i share with and what i share, but this is really a great strategy for me for the future.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

i'm not as innocent as you think i am

Really, i get tired of people who think they know me thinking that i'm an innocent person. Honestly, if i weren't in a solid relationship with Master, i would sleep around. As long as protection is used, i don't see a problem with it, honestly. But i'm not about to screw up what i have with Master just because of a momentary fling. Which is what anything would be for me.

But i was talking with mom earlier and she was telling me how everyone in the family thinks i'm just this "goody-two-shoes" (god how i hate that term). i don't know why they have that image of me. It's not that i never do anything bad, i'm just good enough to never get caught. That's the trick to it. But i suppose that's why they have that image of me; they just don't realize what i'm capable of. Which can be a very good thing.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Still afraid of failure

i'm still so afraid of failure. It's not even funny at this point. i worry constantly about letting Master down, about letting the imp down, about letting mom down. It's funny, because i no longer worry about letting myself down, because i feel like i let myself down all the time anyway. i make too many mistakes.

Of course, this is just more baggage from the past. But i have no idea how to give myself permission to fail. i'm mostly human, sure, and i'm allowed to make mistakes. It doesn't make it any less frightening to me. And there's not even any real reason why, at least not now.

i've got no idea how i'm going to change my thinking about all this. Master speaks with me on this subject quite a lot and still, i can't change how i think about it. Even with something as silly as video games, i push myself over, forcing myself to hurry through them, almost sucking all the fun out of it. i just don't know how to forgive myself.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Another start

So, tomorrow is the start of another busy week. i hate when weeks are this busy. i've got meetings on Monday, Wednesday and Friday and then mom's got her appointments as well. i guess it's just a bit more frustrating because i feel like i've got to keep up at this break neck speed and it just wears me completely out.

i'm trying my best not to get my head so wrapped up in all of this. The more i start to think about it, the more i get so nervous and it just starts spiraling out of control. So i'm trying to just chill out and relax and not think about everything i have to do.
i wonder how badly these wounds on my leg are going to scar. i tend to keloid, so i'm sure they're not going to be pretty. i'm so worried that it's going to be so ugly that i won't be able to model for Master anymore. It's a big worry to me. He says not to worry about it, but i still do.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Tired of not being me

i'm sick of it. Honestly. Sick of trying to be something i'm not, just to impress people or in an effort not to scare them off.

i love being a succubus. i really do. It's the best thing that i've ever realized about myself. And it's something that i feel i have to hide all too often. i know there are many skeptics out there who don't understand what it is that i feel or think about myself. Many people who don't understand that this is all very real to me. It's not just some figment of my imagination or delusions that i've conjured up to make myself feel special.

The biggest hurdle i face now is learning how not to worry so much what others think about me. i like myself this way. Master likes me this way. Why should it matter if someone i don't know doesn't? Though, in all actuality, i'm more afraid of what people who do know me will think if i start acting more and more like myself.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Finding myself

i've been spending a lot of time really being my true self lately; playful, fun, flirty, happy, all those positive things that i generally identify with myself. Sure, i have lower moments, too. i'm pretty tired right now, and i had a bout of anxiety earlier when i was meeting some distant family members (my grandfather's sisters), but for the most part, it's all wonderful.

And i'm being more honest with myself about myself. i don't want to hide my gifts anymore. Especially denying them to myself. That's a really silly thing to do. i am a succubus and i do attract my fair share of attention from everyone, males and females. i'm also an empath, capable of feeling and manipulating the emotions of others. These are things that make up me and i shouldn't deny them anymore.

So i think if i keep all that in mind as i move forward for the future, it should all be alright.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

i love you, lilikka

Today i had a wonderful dream. i don't really remember the details so much as i remember waking and realizing that the "friends" in my dream were really just different aspects of my personality. In the dream, they were telling me how much they loved me and wanted me to be happy. It was kind of nice to get an "i love you" from myself on a subconscious level.

i learned a lot about self-esteem over the weekend. i had thought that, in order to properly serve, one had to forsake self to serve. But this just isn't the case. If i don't put myself first, at least part of the time, i will have no energy to truly serve Master in the capacity at which he deserves. This is something he has been trying to get me to see for quite some time now, actually.

So now, i do try and do things for my own sake, and not just because i think it would be pleasing to Master. Because, above all things, i know that me being healthy is the most pleasing to him.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

First day back

Feeling good, really. Quite a bit exhausted still. Spent nearly the whole day just appreciating my family. Drew a bit with the imp. And i've come to the conclusion that, in times of trouble, i'm drawn to images of trees. i noticed that both in the hospital and today, trees played a prominent role in the pictures i sketched out. i even wrote a terrible haiku about trees.

And really, i'm not even sure why trees. i'm more of a fire-type than anything. But, to me, trees represent hope. They lose their leaves each year, only to grow back again. So even though i might have been down to my last in those moments before my mother called for the police and ambulance, there's still hope i will grow again.

It's strange, though. In some ways, leading up to last Friday, i was becoming more and more like myself, yet pulling further and further away as well. So now i feel i'm more whole than ever, though i have a lot of fear leading up to next month. Until i can get this problem under control, what will i end up doing to myself? i don't even want to think about it. Instead, i'll just concentrate on my moods and making sure that, when the shit hits the fan, i'll be able to handle it instead.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Where have I been?

I spent the weekend in a mental hospital. It's not an experience that I'm wanting to repeat. Ever.

I'm not quite sure how to explain the lead-up to all of this. I could say it started on Thursday, when I got into an argument with mom that culminated in me causing her to fall. Or maybe it started earlier that week, when I was feeling insecure and not wanting to get out of bed. Or even earlier than that, about six months ago when I was seriously considering, once again, that I could possibly have PMDD.

But whenever it started, it all ended with me thrusting a small pocket knife into my right thigh five times.

This is not something a person in their right mind does. And, indeed, I wasn't in my right mind when I did it. I was brought to the ER to be bandaged up (the wounds didn't require stitches, but have steri-strips on them now) and from there, I was handcuffed and put in the back of a police car. The officer kept reassuring me that I wasn't under arrest, but it's difficult to believe that when the metal is biting into your skin, peeling a few layers off, and leaving enough pressure to bruise days later.

The officer drove me over to Telecare, a local mental health facility. I was quickly ushered inside and the cuffs were removed. From there, endless questions about my mental health: what kind of medications am I on, do I take them regularly, why did i stab myself? And I repeated myself over and over and over until I thought that, by now, everyone in the known universe must know why I did what I had did.

I'm not going to go into every little detail of what happened in Telecare (And there's plenty to get into, between my clothes being stolen by another patient and someone asking if I was aware I had false lips). It wasn't very nice, though. The staff only half listened to what I had said at any given point and would fill in the rest. I stated my mother is disabled and they write down that she's "near death." I truly feel that the people who run places like this are only in it for the money. They make $1000 a day for each patient they keep in that place, so if they can keep a person there longer, why not?

But despite everything that happened, I came to realize that I haven't been myself lately. I've been withholding things from everyone, including both Master and mom. The night before I stabbed myself, I had thoughts of doing so. If only I had spoken up, I might not have had to spend the weekend in that crazy place. So I've made a decision to speak up more. No more hiding, no more trying my best to keep quiet so I don't worry people. I'm going to speak up, even if it annoys everyone. I will NOT end up in a place like that again.

Also, even the psychiatrist I spoke to agrees that it most definitely sounds like I've got PMDD, so my speculation all these months has been true. Now to just schedule an appointment with my doctor so we can discuss what can be done, so these kinds of episodes can be reduced in the future.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

How to fail spectatularly

i'm truly beginning to believe i have PMDD. i am horrible during ovulation, to the point where it really interferes with my life. Right now, i'm arguing not only with my mother, but with my daughter and Master as well. And i have no one to blame but myself and how screwed up i am.
i don't know what it is, but when i blog in the morning, the words just don't come out. i used to be such a morning person, but as i get older, the mornings just get more and more difficult to deal with. Yet that doesn't stop my body from waking me up at 5 am.

It's interesting how people change, though. i still find it amazing that my ex doesn't realize it's me that he's talking to. Have i truly changed that much that someone i was living with for over half a decade wouldn't recognize me now?

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

JUST what i need

i think my ex is in love with me all over again. Which is unsurprising, considering i'm a succubus and, when i turn on my charm, i can be pretty enticing. But it's a pain in the ass, truth be told. The asshole HAD his chance and he blew it. But it's kind of fun stringing him along. That might make me evil, but i really don't care.

i'm not sure how Master truly feels about all of this. Of course, i tell him every time i'm sent an IM by my ex. i will not keep something like that from him, especially because he knows all my passwords and can just as easily read the chat logs and find out what's been said anyway. It's easier to be honest than to try and deceive him. Plus, i don't want to hide this. It's far too amusing to keep all to myself!

Monday, August 3, 2009


Master and i watched Pitch Black tonight. It's the first time i've seen the film, though i had always wanted to. It was really great and the final twist made me think about sacrifices that people are willing to make for others.

For most of my life, i've been willing to die for those that i love, but that's because death seemed the easier route most of the time. Life was hell for me growing up. Between my mother's stalker and my father's abuse and drug use, i was a real mess. i'm still trying to recover from all of it. But that's why death always seemed easier.

But living, that's the real challenge, the real sacrifice. Am i willing to live for someone's sake, knowing full well how much pain and suffering there is in this world? If i had asked myself that a year ago, i would have said no. But i'm much further along in my recovery at this stage and yes, i am willing to live for someone else's sake. And not just Master's sake, or my daughter's sake, but for the sake of all of those who i've come in contact with, even the people who did wrong to me. i live, because i matter.

Sunday, August 2, 2009


i often think of my identity as Master's pet. i'm not exactly a submissive and not exactly a slave, either, but rather something between the two. i don't need Master's permission for everything, but for most things, i am required to ask before i do things.

i'm also not a pet in the traditional term, either. Or that's how i see it, at least. i think of it as one might in a setting such as World of Warcraft. When a Warlock summons a succubus, she is his to command. i look at Master as such. He has earned the right to command me. i'm not an easy person to truly dominate, despite what others in my past might have thought. But Master has managed to do so in every sense of the word.

Had he not, i don't think i could even serve him in this capacity, stunted as it may be right now. Of course, i'm not fully tamed, and i don't think i ever truly will be, but Master is certainly the only being in this, or any, existence that i feel could truly tame me and call me his. And it's great because we're a good contrast with each other. My feminine, succubus side softens his masculine, incubus side, which has the opposite effect on me in return. It's truly an amazing relationship the two of us have that goes beyond the physical and the mental.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Safety net

i'm trying to get used to living life without a safety net. For the past few years, i've always lived like i have one, keeping everything at arm's length. But it was lonely. And painful. And, if there's anything i've learned between Master and group therapy, it's that if you keep doing the same thing, you keep getting the same results.

Truth be told, even being in a relationship with Master feels a bit outside of my safety net. i'm so afraid of being hurt. But i have a deep-seated desire to serve Master and be with him and devote myself to him, and it's a desire that won't be denied. Nonetheless, it's a bit intimidating at times. There are many times where i feel i'm just not good enough for Master.

Of course, he doesn't feel this way. Or he says he doesn't, which i believe, because he won't lie to me. But i often feel that i don't reach up to this invisible standard that i've set to myself. i just don't know what else i can do to change the way i think about things.

Friday, July 31, 2009

Going out

i love when Master and i can go out on adventures together. One that particularly stands out in my mind is the first time we went to Niagara Falls together. It was winter and the annual Festival of Lights was going on. The lights shone off the falls and there were some beautiful light displays all over as we walked around and looked at everything. Then the hot chocolate kiss in Tim Horton's as we stared out the window and watched all the other couples walk past.

Things like that truly make me happy to be alive! It's not often i feel that good about things. Today was a day in which my ego took quite a blow, which is why i'm going to bed early. Our daughter threw one of our digital cameras at my face today, leaving me with quite a knot on my head. Luckily, it's feeling better, though i'm still quite shaken up by the whole ordeal.

Either way, i'm going to go off to sleep with Master, hopefully with dreams of more adventures.

Bad dreams

i had a post typed up, but it seems to have disappeared into the ether.

i had a terrible dream last night. i don't even know why, as the issue the dream dealt with was resolved long ago. But i awoke feeling anxious and in physical pain.

i don't think i'll wake Master over this. After all, it was just a dream.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Sharing with the class

Today, i made a big step forward. i don't know if it's a good or bad thing at this point, but it's a step nonetheless. i shared one of my biggest fears with a group of strangers: the fact that i fear everyone i come in contact with is only looking for ways to stab me in the back. Sure, i've probably shared it with strangers on the internet, even through this blog, a few times. But it's completely different in person. Because they can really see me and they (somewhat) know me.

It really shook me up for most of the day afterwords. i'm really not used to sharing my feelings with people i hardly know. In fact, only Master and my mother know my true feelings most of the time, and even then, i'm pretty candid about what i share. i don't like when people think about me or worry about me.

So now i feel like i've got a whole group of women who are going to worry that i'm this fucking fragile flower that can't be talked to, for fear of me thinking i'm going to be stabbed in the back. Of course, no one might not even see it that way. But that's certainly the scenario that keeps playing in my head, over and over.

Really, i just wish the answers were there, right in front of me. i want to know if it was a good or bad thing that i shared. Because it's not feeling too good right about now.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009


Started playing it tonight. Got me thinking about something a friend used to joke with me about. How i was a prototype for the perfect woman. i like sex, i know when to shut up, i cook well, i play video games, and i truly enjoy submission. But, while these things are all true, i certainly don't see myself that way.

i just think that the world is a better place when there is diversity. If all women were as "cool" as me, then people would get bored with it. There is too much of a good thing, after all. And, really, being seen as a prototype for anything is a lot of pressure. More pressure than i'm willing to take upon myself.

Early Night

Last night was an early night for Master and i, which is why there wasn't a post.

Mom had another stroke yesterday. A minor one, but a stroke nonetheless. So i've been plenty stressed about all that. Will try and work out my stresses later on.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Ups and Downs

Today has been full of ups and downs. i woke feeling pretty good, but quickly sunk into a depression that lasted most of the day. i don't know why, either. So much for tracking my moods to figure things out.

Master tries so hard to bring me up, but there are just some things even he cannot accomplish. i don't like to admit that, either. i like to think that my Master is a super being, capable of just about anything. But i have to be realistic.

Either way, my mood is much improved, though i hope that there won't be any more of these up and down days.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

He still has power over me

My father, i mean. And it pisses me off. i work very hard to try and make sure that fuck is out of my life. But there are some things that he's done in the past that continually creep up on me.

Like when i can't find something, for example. It not only drives me crazy, but i really start having a panic attack creep up on me. This is because, when i was younger and would leave my possessions around the house, my father would take them and hide them and i'd be lucky if i ever saw them again. It's not only lead me to be very possessive, but also paranoid about losing things. Of course, i haven't spoken to him in half a decade, so i don't know why he continues to bother me like he does.

So i've got to work on purging him and his influences from my life. Master tries all he can, but there are just some things that it seems like i have to completely do on my own.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Tracking my moods

i've decided to start tracking my moods. i think it will help in the long run. It ought to help me be able to see how i can get off track and how i should be able to put myself all back together again, in an emotional sense.

Take this week, for example. The start of it was pretty rocky, due to getting things back to normal after mom's stroke. But tonight, i'm feeling on top of the world. Not only are things normal again, but Master and i have had a lot of fun time together lately.

So we'll see how all that goes as time goes on. Hopefully, it will only be something positive.

Thursday, July 23, 2009


i truly feel sorry for people with no passion in life. For too long, i lived like that, unable to find anything to truly spark any kind of real interest within me. i followed along with other peoples' passions: music, fashion, art, etc. And, while i enjoy all of those things, they don't quite make me feel as good as when i'm in service to Master.

i am passionate about service. Even when Master doesn't require it, i get to fulfill my passion by helping my daughter and my mother. And, although i end up helping them more than Master most times, i really don't mind it in the long run.

Of course, sex is another passion of mine. i'm good at it. i enjoy it a lot. Everything about it. The feeling, the smell, the sounds (especially the sounds). It's all so exciting to me. i would actually like to start blogging more about it, but part of me is timid. Which is funny to me, because of how open i am with my sex life, for the most part.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

This is why i trust no one

It doesn't matter how close to someone i think i am, i can never trust anyone. Ever. Well, except Master. He's never done anything to stab me in the back. And i know he never will. That's the trust we have between us. But i can't trust anyone else.

What generally happens is that something i say in confidence or because i trust that person to never use it against me inevitably gets told to everyone, or is used against me to make me some kind of pariah. And really, it makes me wonder why i ever stop lying at all. Why do i tell people any kind of truth about me?

i guess because it's lonely always being in a web of lies, keeping everyone at a safe distance. But, for the time, i think it's probably worth it. At least until the day when the back stabbing just stops hurting so much.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009


Lately, life seems to feel a bit in a slump. Perhaps it's just the laziness of summer that's hitting; it tends to happen to me pretty much every summer as far back as i can remember. There's something about the heat that makes me completely lethargic. But that's why i tend to set bigger goals for myself during the summer, so i at least have something to work towards.

Unfortunately, one of my two goals seems to have fallen by the wayside. There just isn't too much motivation to work on it. It's been kind of a secret project that no one outside of Master really knows much about it, so it's hard to gauge how public reaction to it will be. And, when it comes to my own endeavors, Master is pretty laid back when it comes to pushing me forward. Not that i mind; there are things that i do have to do for myself.

So perhaps, starting tomorrow, i'll pull myself away from my gaming goal and work on my creating goal. It's already kind of started, but i need to pull things in a bit more, create a bit more of a story surrounding the whole project.

Monday, July 20, 2009

The lies we tell

i was reading in a community earlier about what to do if a Dom/me discovers that their sub has lied to them. And i thought and thought about it, but really, i don't know what an appropriate response would be. Do you just break off the relationship over a lie? Or is it the Dom's responsibility to correct the misbehavior of the sub?

i would really hope that, if i ever did lie to Master, he would help to correct the behavior instead of wanting to separate. Not that he's someone i'd ever lie to. While i might be a deceiver and manipulative towards certain people, Master is not anyone i would ever use those kinds of things against. i respect him too much to do that to.

Though, there are times that i wish i didn't treat people in that manner at all, regardless of how much or how little respect i might have for them. However, i think i use it as a safety net, so i don't get so hurt by people as i have in the past by being far too trusting. As of right now, i feel the only person in this world i can trust wholly is Master.