Tuesday, March 31, 2009


i sometimes think i have a problem with my ego. Take, for instance, fellatio. i happen to think i'm pretty good at it. But i've also never been able to get a guy off from it alone. Master assures me that, yes, i am quite satisfying at it, but i don't know. Just the fact that i've never been able to bring him, or any one, to a climax by oral alone makes me a bit... discouraged at my skills.

i just don't know where i stand with my ego, honestly. i hate to have it bruised by others, but when Master does things that are humiliating to me, i love it. It's the strangest thing to be turned on by degridation. Sometimes i wish, while we were out in public, he'd call me his little slut, just so i could blush and squirm at his words. But i know that if it were someone else calling me that, i'd be angry.

So, yeah. My ego is a strange beast.

Monday, March 30, 2009


Master and i had an amazing conversation tonight. It just goes to show me just how well the two of us mesh. He never laughs or teases me about the things i think that others would. i'm almost even afraid to ever write them out anywhere, for fear of being mocked. Even in a place where it's my own voice, such as this blog.

Maybe some day i'll be strong enough to just not care what the world at large thinks. i'm slowly getting there as it is about some of the more mundane stuff. But my personal, deep-seated beliefs are probably the stuff of most people's fantasy. They just happen to be very real for me.

Broke the chain

i forgot to blog yesterday, so there'll be two today. But i feel terrible for breaking the chain. i've blogged EVERY DAY since the beginning of the year. This is the longest i've actually done something every day that i promised i would do.

Master's not so upset over it, but i am. i just have to work at not messing up anymore.

Saturday, March 28, 2009


Master and i got some real relaxation time in tonight. After a day of me being anxious over various things, it was nice to just sit at his feet and watch a few episodes of Supernatural. Of course, it left off on the hugest cliffhanger ever, but Master said that was enough for the night.

It's strange, thinking upon that. When i was with my ex-husband, i would have been pissed if he told me i couldn't watch more of something i had on DVD and didn't have to actually wait to watch it. But when Master tells me it's enough, and even though i'm dying to see more, i have no problems obeying what he tells me.

i guess it's just a testament to how much this lifestyle is changing me. And it's changing me in ways that i'm really, really happy with. i never expected to really be this changed from the whole experience. It's a real honor to submit to Master.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Fighting ignorance, one person at a time

i had a really interesting discussion with someone outside of the lifestyle. He really didn't understand the concept of TPE and just what a sub or slave gets out of submitting to a Dom or Master. So while another girl berated him for not understanding, i took the time to patiently explain what it is that we do.

It was really good, actually. While he didn't necessarily agree with everything or even come to a complete understanding, he understood enough of it to say that he wasn't ignorant about the subject anymore. Which is good. i think the best way to fight ignorance is to have the patience to explain it to one person at a time. It might not be the fastest method, but it's certainly the best that i've come across.

Maybe if more people were educated about this lifestyle, there wouldn't be so many people determined to hide it from society. And i, for one, am tired about hiding what i am from people. Which is why i'm becoming more open with my friends about my submission to Master. And it's been really freeing.

Thursday, March 26, 2009


Yesterday was hell. But that's not what tonight is about.

No, tonight Master wants me to share my fetishes. This is so awkward for me to share, because i'm not so good at explaining them to others. Some of my fetishes don't even make sense in my head.

Obviously, i'm into being dominated. That's probably my number one fetish right there. i cannot get off if i'm the one in control. It's not something i'm comfortable with. i mean, i've tried before with previous partners, but it just ended up being awkward and they had to take control in the end anyway.

i am masochistic in general, but pain in my erogenous zones is that much sweeter. Maybe it's like that for all masochists, but i've never met anyone else that's one. So, although pain given out of love is pleasurable, it's even moreso in certain areas, particularly my breasts. i don't think there's such thing as "too much pain" when it comes to my tits. At least, i've never come across anything that caused me to have to use a safe word regarding them.

i love to watch men masturbate. i don't know what it is, but there's something so... primal and masculine about it. Although i'm more attracted to the female form, watching a female masturbate just isn't as exciting for me as when a man does it.

i'm into watching bisexual porn. MMF is my favorite, but MFF is good, too. There's something beautiful about people who can appreciate the human body and the pleasures it can bring, despite the package that it's coming in (pardon the terrible, terrible pun).

There are other things that i'm into, i just can't think of them at the moment. i'm starting to get tired, but i think that thinking upon these beautiful, sexy thoughts will help me have wonderful dreams.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Shit sucks. Can't handle anything.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Day One

Day one of grabbing life by the balls wasn't as much of a success as i would have hoped. But i did take some steps. i've been referring to Master in more public places. And i've been venturing out in more public forums, which is something i usually wouldn't do.

But now i find myself separating from those that i've known for a while. i guess it's a case of growing apart. As i change and realize more of myself and my submission, i just don't mesh well with them anymore. i'm not sure if they necessarily approve of my lifestyle choices. While they won't think badly because of me for it, i just think they'd be happier if it wasn't a male i was submitting to, if that makes any sense.

Maybe tomorrow, i'll try posting again with the other subs that i met a while back. It'd be nice to "hang out" with people who understand this part of my lifestyle.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Grabbing life by the balls

So i've decided that i'm going to strive after the things that i want, within the confines of my relationship with Master. For too long, i let other people who weren't important decide what i should like. And, although Master decides what i do and how i do it, when he does allow me my free time, i would like to pursue the things that i want.

It came to me today after talking with my councelor today. She said that the choices we make can help me bring my self-esteem up, which is something that both Master and i have a concern about. So, in both therapy and counceling, that's what i've been trying to work on.

Sunday, March 22, 2009


Tonight, Master told me that he would like it if i called him "Master" more often in vanilla settings. He said it would please him greatly, though i have to admit to having some embarrassment regarding it. It's not that i am embarrassed to call him Master, but rather endure the looks people might give me. But, in a way, that's all part of my training, especially in regards to not being so self-conscious.

One of my old friends from high school asked me about "Master" after my status update mentioned him. It was a bit awkward to think of a response, since this was never a part of my life in high school. Part of me wonders why i even bothered to try and explain, since she doesn't really know me anymore. But the other part of me feels that i have to defend my choice in my life.

So i suppose that Master asking me to submit further in public is good training for me. i'm trying to adjust to it. i just worry that friends that have always known Master as "Rei" or "Zero" will now look at me strangely for calling him Master suddenly. But it's Master's desire, so i will follow what he's asked and, eventually, it will be like second nature and i will no longer be so self-conscious about it.

Saturday, March 21, 2009


i've been angrier than usual lately. It's to do with hormones, really. It's that time of the month (which Master and i unhappily discovered last night before a play session. It doesn't stop us, but it sure makes us have to change plans), so i tend to get a bit grumpier than usual. And that's saying something coming from someone with anger issues to begin with.

i don't usually like to display my anger, but Master has asked me to make sure to always tell him what i'm feeling. Communication is a huge thing between us and he wants to make sure i'm not the one stopping that, because there are times that i clam up. So i make an effort to let Master know when i'm angry and upset.

It's certainly not the easiest thing. Particularly when he asks something of me and i just don't want to do it. i often find myself having a hard time reminding myself that, as Master's pet, it's expected of me to obey. And, honestly, i love being Master's pet and following his orders. It's just when i'm cranky, it's hard to remember that.

But Master is so understanding. He at least understands, even if he still expects me to follow through with his tasks. i just, i dunno. i hate letting him down and i feel as if i do everytime i get PMS-y.

Friday, March 20, 2009


Master and i have been discussing many things lately, including our views on the world and spirituality. i had never really thought of myself as a spiritual person. i'm agnostic, since i don't see that there's really proof for or against a higher power. i'd like to believe there's something, but i find that i just can't.

But when it comes to matters of sex and sexuality, that's where my spirituality really comes into play. Maybe it's a bit silly, but i see sexual acts as a kind of spiritual act. When two people can just enjoy each other in all aspects, it's the most beautiful thing ever. It's why i enjoy watching porn so much. i mean, sure, the people in the film are just actors/actresses who are being paid to perform in front of the camera. But the act itself is what's very beautiful to me, not necessarily who's performing it. It's like watching an intricate dance.

my submission also plays a part in my spirituality. i have chosen to submit to Master because i feel he is my missing half. Though we are similar, we also have so many things that are so different. His Dominance melds perfectly with my submission. So when the two of us are together, even if we're not having sex, everything we do is sexual to me. The way we look at each other. The words we say. Even an innocent touch becomes something magical.

It's so difficult to explain it in a way that doesn't sound ridiculous. Which is nice that Master never laughed as i explained all this to him.

Thursday, March 19, 2009


Sometimes i forget just how much i need Master. Especially days like today. After an amazing evening last night, things came crashing down on me this morning. This generally happens, or at least that's how it seems to me. A night of gaming and amazing, mind-blowing sex and then a total downer the next day. And i often wonder if i'm just not meant to keep what happiness comes my way.

But then Master comes along and, after dealing with me for a bit, straightens me up. i don't know if this is indicative of deeper mental problems than low self-esteem, but it helps. i don't feel so afraid to reach out and grab the happiness when i'm with him. i'm not so afraid to be my fully sexy and kinky self. And, dare i say it, one bad-ass bitch.

So, after a day of struggling, i'm once again feeling wonderful and horny and ready to go for the night. But mostly, i'm just happy.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Long-Term Plans

i don't make them. Ever. Making long-term plans makes me too anxious. What if something goes wrong? What if things don't go as planned? It's all too much to think about.

So, in a way, i have no future. i don't think about it. i don't plan for it. i just live in the here and now.

i don't even know where i'm going with this. Only i'm scared now that Master is making more long-term plans. i can't handle it. So i just feel like i'm only in the way and i ought to remove myself from the situation. After all, he's got a future and i don't.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Him alone

i feel like i'm fading away a bit. i don't know how people do it. Or maybe it's just my perception of people? But how can a sub only take solace with just having their Dom as the only source of friendship?

This isn't anything that's forced upon me by Master. He wants me to be able to have friends, but it just feels like no one wants anything to do with me but him. And it hurts. Even people who i thought loved me as a friend (and maybe more at one time or another) have stopped talking to me completely. i've tried reaching out. Sent an old friend my favorite book for her birthday. But still, no thanks yous, no hellos, no how-are-yous.

So i try to be happy that at least Master will have me, but i'm so lonely. He understands, but i don't. Why isn't he enough by himself?

i suppose this is all brought up because Master will be going away for a weekend next month and it's going to be lonesome for me. i want him to go and have a good time, i just wish i wasn't left out of everything. He'd have me come with him if i could, but i can't because of costs. He's getting to go for free and there's no way i'd be able to get enough money in a month to go as well, let alone find someone to take care of my daughter.

It's just hard knowing that i'm going to be all alone.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Getting comfortable in my own skin

i've been trying to, anyway. And not just in my skin, but in my mind and my views on myself and the world. i've come into the realization lately that i feel quite a bit different than other people i know. Maybe this is just a young adult version of the teenage "oh i'm so alone" kind of thing, but it doesn't feel the same kind of loneliness i felt as a teenager when i was going through that phase.

But i'm starting to be comfortable with who i am. As i mentioned previously, i often have succubus tendencies. So much so that, as i think about it, who's to say that i'm not unlike a succubus? i want to start living my life as if i were a bit more than human, because that's how i feel. Mostly, i'm afraid of how people will accept that part of me. i mean, it sounds crazy. But it feels right for me and, really, it wouldn't be hurting anyone for me to live how i feel.

i guess it's just the fear of rejection. i think i have a bigger fear than most, simply because i've got an irrational need to never fail and rejection feels like failure. But i also know that if i don't do this, i will never be happy. i have to do this for myself.

Sunday, March 15, 2009


i'm learning to accept myself as part of my journey with Master. He is the most accepting person i've ever met. Even with some of my stranger quirks and beliefs, he supports me and stands by them, even if they're beliefs he may or may not believe in himself!

One thing that Master has strictly forbidden is negative self-talk. i'm not allowed to say negative things about myself, because it's insulting Master's property and he won't have anyone insulting his possessions. And it helps me with my own issues. Part of my problem is a lot of negativity that i thrust upon myself, but since it's forbidden to talk about it (and even think about it, but i have to admit to it crossing my mind at times), it helps me get rid of it and add more possitivity to my life.

So i'm working towards accepting myself, even my stranger sides. Such as my succubus tendencies. Now i know that a lot of people think it's a bit crazy or silly to identify with something that isn't "real," but it's so real to me that it doesn't matter if others think it's crazy. i get a lot of energy from sex and, with the exception of Master, i've been able to completely outlast all my previous partners. Obviously i don't have the horns, tail or wings, but the inclination and tendencies are there. And i'm learning to accept this about myself, because Master already accepts it as truth.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Working through the pain

My teeth have been giving me a ton of pain today. i still have all of my wisdom teeth and they try to grow in from time-to-time. So when they do, it causes my jaw a lot of pain. i'm horrified of going to the dentist, or i would actually get them out while i have insurance.

But the problem i have is that i don't know how to ignore the unpleasurable pain and perform tasks for Master. As it is, i don't know if i can really write much more. i've got a terrible headache and i can't concentrate. But that's the problem, isn't it? How does one work through it all and continue to serve their Master?

Friday, March 13, 2009

A relaxing evening with Master, watching Supernatural, is just what i need, i think. Between my mom and my daughter, i'm just so exhausted mentally. And Master has been picking up the pace with my training. Honestly, that's the only thing that's keeping me together right now. i think if he weren't moving me along further down the path, i would just give up everything altogether.

Not much to say tonight.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Like-minded People

i am terrible at meeting new people. When people come into my life, i'm often too socially inept to know what to do to keep them in my life. This goes for friends and casual acquaintances as well as more important people. Master is a big exception. i don't know why it works with him, but it does.

But i've been dying to meet like-minded individuals. It's just so difficult for me because i have no idea HOW to meet people and keep them near me. i think a lot of it has to do with me being boring and insecure. i'm so nervous that everyone is going to find out that i'm a boring person that i end up actually being a boring person anyway.

Maybe it's just that i need to develop interesting interests. Most of the things i like end up being pretty esoteric that it's difficult to find someone else who shares them.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009


Today, Master and i took another step down our journey together. At least, i think it's a momentous step, at any rate.

Now, there's a part of me that knows he's Master and i'm pet. It's the same knowledge that has me knowing that he loves me. But every once in a while, it's really great to have that reminder of his Dominance. Take tonight, for example. i was able to pick up a copy of MadWorld for the Wii today. i've been looking forward to it since it was announced. And, being as violent and bloody as the game is, i had to wait until i put our daughter down to bed before i could play.

Master had already given me permission to play, but i kept insisting on asking, just to be sure it was still ok. When he had heard "are you sure?" enough times, he remarked to me that "the attitude [i'm] taking is making [him] reconsider." It was something about the way he stated such a simple fact that just... fit in the right places. i can't even really explain it well. But it felt important, so i know it must have been to me, at least at a deep enough level for it to register something.

Honestly, i don't think i could live my life without being dominated by Master. There's something sweet and beautiful in it and it's the most perfect thing in the world to me. Much better than my previous marriage and the semblance of "domination" my ex-husband tried to enforce upon me. But that's something i try not to think about too much, just because it stirs up more than i'm willing to deal with right now. Someday.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

A place to belong

i am, as i have always been, a creature of extremes. i have a difficult time finding a balance between things, whether it's my mixed heritage, my sexual desires, my morals, and even my submission. But i know that a balance must be had, because it's dangerous emotionally to swing back and forth between things.

Of course, just knowing this doesn't make it any easier to do it. i was speaking with my therapist today regarding my mixed heritage and how i struggle with a balance. i don't feel as if i belong to either "world" and it's frustrating. My submission is like that in a lot of ways as well. i don't know too many other people in this lifestyle and i'm forever comparing myself to those that i do know. i'm a novice, a baby, compared to most of them and it's frustrating because i feel like maybe i just don't belong.

But that's just silly. i belong because i have a desire and a willingness to submit to Master. That's all the "permission" i really need. But it's still difficult for me to feel welcomed. And, while no one has been overtly rude to me, some of the remarks feel a bit... underhanded. So i've tended to distance myself from people, once again creating a feeling of not belonging.

i'll just keep plugging on, trying to find my way and a place i can say is "home," but until i do, i feel restless.

Monday, March 9, 2009

A week was long enough!

Also, 69 entries. Yes, i have the mentality of a 12-year-old.

But seriously, after a week of no orgasms, i finally got some relief. My guess is either i had a mental block or the side effects of the medication "ran out" (my guess is more towards the former). It was really quite wonderful, as there was absolutely no pressure from Master. It was nice feeling the familiar wash of feelings come over me. Because, honestly, i am a sexual being. There's no denying it.

And as my three-day-weekend comes to a close, i'm going to try and remember the sensations of today as i go through my appointments of the week. It's not always going to be easy, but now that i've managed to reconnect with myself, i think it'll be a bit easier, as long as i can maintain that connection. And now that Master and i have talked about what i had written last night, he's aware of a lot more of my PTSD triggers and signs of me withdrawing. i know it means more work for him, and for that i'm really sorry. But the good part is that, through all this therapy, i'm also learning how to cope with it so i'll be a more stable person for him in the end.

Sunday, March 8, 2009


Lately, i think there's been a bit of a communication misfire between Master and i. i've noticed that it's been happening since all my therapy has been more intense. Part of what the counselor has been talking to me about is how insecure people draw in more insecure people and how she's worried about me being in a relationship right now while i still have healing to do from previous relationships. Obviously, i don't tell her the less... mainstream side of my relationship with Master. That would be opening a whole 'nother can of worms that i'm just not willing to deal with. At least not with someone that isn't actually IN my relationship.

The hard part is that there's a scared and hurt part of me that is pulling back from everyone in an effort to never be hurt again. But, through personal experience, i know that that's not the answer, so i'm fighting within myself as to what to do. i love Master. i love what he does to me, both in a physical and an emotional sense. With his help, i've discovered parts of me that have made me feel whole. But how does one explain this to someone who is only concerned about my mental well-being? She doesn't say what she does to be malicious, only to warn me about the dangers that can be out there.

And, while i appreciate it, i feel it's a bit intrusive. Particularly because i AM pulling back from Master. i've been sleeping the whole weekend away because i just don't know what else to do. And, for the time being, he's been gracious and allowing me to do so. But i don't know if that's really the best thing, in afterthought. i really should have approached him further with my feelings on all of this. We've discussed it before, sure, but i don't know if i really explained how i felt. And since i use this blog as a way to open a dialogue between us that i'm normally too scared to bring up, i hope that's exactly what happens tonight after he reads it. Wish me luck.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Have you seen my sex drive?

Because i sure haven't and it's starting to really frustrate me. The new medication i'm on has pretty much obliterated it at the moment. Master is understanding, but i really am starting to feel like i'm not even myself anymore. My libido is part of me. In a lot of sense, it is me. And without it, i feel so lost and just... i don't know. It's starting to drive me crazy.

i'm not really sure what to do about it other than let the medication run its course and, hopefully, that'll be one of the side effects that'll eventually wear off over time. i've tried everything i can think of to get into the mood and nothing is working. It's enough to make me depressed, so what's the whole point of the medication in the first place?

Friday, March 6, 2009

Feeling sick

While i've been having trouble keeping my focus lately, it's even worse when i'm feeling sick. Master's been in bed pretty much all day after he got home from work and i'm not sure he's going to wake anytime soon. i feel as if i'm starting to come down with something. Even the thought of food right now sounds really gross. So i think i'll be joining Master in slumber. Unless he wakes up and needs me for something else.

Thursday, March 5, 2009


It's been difficult focusing on the "pet" aspect of my life as of late. Between seemingly-endless appointments and a new medication, i have not been myself. i find myself slacking off on things that Master asks of me as well as things that i ought to do in my free time that i just don't.

i'm not quite sure what i can do to refocus that part of me, especially in regards to the medication. But i need to find something, as constantly letting Master down is really demoralizing to myself.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

A bit of an aside

Today was my daughter's fourth birthday. The day started out pretty hectic. Between my therapy appointment, having to change my cellphone number due to harassing calls and then my phone not working after i changed the number, i wasn't sure if the little one was going to truly enjoy her birthday!

That all changed after we got home and she helped bake the cake. Domestic chores always cheer up my mood, personally, and i know that my daughter loves doing things in the kitchen (she actually received a wooden kitchen playset as her birthday gift this year), so we had a good moment of bonding.

Once it had cooled, she helped me frost it and decorate it. It all turned out so wonderful and happy and it really was a nice ending to a hectic day. She's trying tonight to without a diaper at nighttime because she thinks she's grown up now. Here's hoping i don't have to do laundry in the morning!

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Today was just one of those days that seemed to be nothing but one endless pile of stress. Not only did i have not one but TWO appointments on my regular "off" day, i had to finish my "homework" from my current worker. It was rough. Because of my issues, she's afraid for me to be in another relationship, though she's never met Master, nor does she know the extent of our relationship. And i do appreciate her concern for me. However, i think it's a bit unfounded.

Master is actually the reason i continue going to these sessions. Instead of throwing my hands up and saying "it's too hard" or "i can't deal with all this," he encourages me to persevere and work through it, because he will always be there to support me through it all. He has the power to really make me feel i can do anything, as long as i set my mind to it.

Honestly, i hope that i can explain all this to her tomorrow. That he has more support for me and my healing than anyone else in my life. And, if i can explain this, i hope she listens and understands that my relationship with Master is nothing but a positive and healing one. i feel more like a real person and not just some half-person when i'm around Master. He builds up my confidence. Sure there are times he can accidentally trigger my PTSD, but he's always quick to notice what triggers it and never brings it up again. It's not a perfect relationship, but i don't think that exists.

Monday, March 2, 2009


One thing i've always loved was being in front of a camera. i may not be the prettiest girl, but having photos taken of me make me feel attractive. So one of my dreams has always been to be a model, though with my body type, i'm definitely not typical model stock. It wasn't until years and years later i learned about BBW and how that i could fit in with that niche. And it makes me happy, because it's something that i would love to do.

And, lucky for me, Master is an excellent photographer. He has already stated many times he'd like to photograph me as well as possibly open his own studio for it. And that both excites and interests me. He's also stated he would like to teach me to take pictures well, too. And part of the reason i submit to Master is because he is a wonderful teacher to me.

Honestly, though, it's really something that's calming to me as i go through all this therapy as of late. Just knowing that, some day, i'll be able to do something i would really love, even if only at an amateur level. It's the first long-term goal i've allowed myself to have in a long time and it's a really great thing.

Sunday, March 1, 2009


Master is a nerd. Not just any kind, but an uber king nerd. And i really mean that in the most affectionate way possible, because i'm probably just as big of a nerd as he is. Whenever we discuss plans for a wedding, they always include really silly things that nerds would get a kick out of (the latest discussion is for a Master Chief/Samus Aran wedding cake topper).

But really, i'm glad Master understands my nerdiness. Who else would be excited about my collection of Star Wars figures? Particularly when i point out that C-3PO breaks apart and can be stuffed into the bag that Chewie carries. Awesome times.

Honestly, though, i live for the times when Master incorporates our nerdity into play time. Particularly cosplay, but having to try and play video games while giving Master head was an interesting exercise. It's honestly what helped me perfect my multi-tasking ;)