Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Totally awesome

My self-esteem has been through the roof today. It's completely amazing the things that have happened! Even when i've made mistakes, i can take it in stride and just... move forward.

Honestly, this is the first time in my life i've felt this great about myself. And, while i'm sure that the medication helps, most of it has come from realizing within myself just how awesome and badass i am. Not to suck my own non-existent dick or anything.

It's strange how one can't really compliment themselves without, sometimes, sounding like a douche bag. Sure, there's a fine line between arrogance and positive self image, but if i feel like proclaiming i'm awesome, i shouldn't be looked down on for doing so, as others have tried in the past. i'm not saying i'm more awesome than everyone; just that i, as i am, am an awesome person in my own right.

i don't know where i'm really going with this one. But Master wants me in bed now, so off i shall go!

Monday, June 29, 2009

Moving On

i contacted my ex today. It was on a whim and i didn't discuss it with Master before hand. i just kind of plunged into it. i pretended to be someone i really wasn't. He didn't even realize it was me. And it really shows me just how far i've come since i've been Master's pet. It's been wonderful and amazing.

i told Master after i had done it. He wasn't upset. Really kind of the opposite, because he knew it would help bring me closure to that part of my life. And it did. i'm so extremely elated to have that behind me. My ex hasn't changed. At all. He's still the same lying deadbeat he's always been. And i'm so much better than that.

Sunday, June 28, 2009


Master and i have very open communication between the two of us. And it's really great, in my opinion. i can share my every thought and action with him and i don't feel ashamed or afraid of what he's going to say. There's a connection there that's deeper than anything.

i often think about my previous relationship and how the two of us thought it had been open. But, thinking back on it, it was nothing like this. There were many things the two of us couldn't communicate with each other, which is, ultimately, what i feel caused the breakdown between the two of us.

But really, i'm happy my previous relationship failed. If it hadn't, i would never have met such a wonderful Master and wouldn't know myself and the world as i do through new eyes.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Heat wave

It's so hot here. Over 100F today and, even at nearly 10pm, it's still over 90F. Now, being a succubus, it's strange that i don't like the heat, but i just can't function properly in it. But i think i've mentioned this before.

But i've also been feeling the heat in other ways. i feel a rekindling of self inside of me. i know it sounds a bit strange, but that's how it is. i like the person i am and who Master is helping to shape me into.

Friday, June 26, 2009

i'm so glad it's Friday

The week has been EXHAUSTING. Between canceled meetings, which would seem like a great thing, but is really just annoying when there wasn't a call ahead of time and i still took the time to drive down to where the meetings were being held, and picking up after everything around here, i'm ready to just fall over.

Hopefully the weekend will be better.
The side effects of my medication are FINALLY starting to wear off. Which is good, because i feel completely rested this morning.

No blog last night because Master and i watched Transformers until far past our usual bedtime. But it was interesting.

i'm so glad this is the end of the week.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

What if this fails?

i'm so afraid of a total failure of this project. What if no one wants to participate in it? What if no one likes it?

The problem is that this project IS me; from the very concept to really everything about it, it describes me fully and wholly. So i guess what i'm afraid of is a rejection of myself. And i know that's a lot of pressure to put on this one project, but i can't help but look at it that way.

And now i'm having a triggering moment with my PTSD. i'm sick of this and wish i could fix it.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

We progressed further into our project today. It's really amazing working with Master towards a goal. Honestly, i've never had someone i could rely on when it came to a project. Generally, i would have to do all the work myself, but Master is more than willing to help out.

i'm starting to have sleepless nights again. It's because they're increasing the dosage on my medication and i'm having to relive all of the side effects. Hopefully it won't last too long. i'm not sure how much longer i can go with only a few hours of sleep.

Tomorrow is another group meeting. Looking forward to it in some senses, but i'm not in other senses.

Tomorrow will mark the half-way point between my 30-day exercise challenge. i've noticed a big difference already. My stomach is flatter and i feel more energetic. It's truly amazing what the body will do when one utilizes it.

Monday, June 22, 2009

The plan is coming together

This is the beginning of summer. By the end of summer, the plan Master and i have been scheming for the past year will come to fruition. i'm really very excited about it.

Honestly, i really love working with Master. i think we make the perfect team. We are truly two sides of the same coin.

Sunday, June 21, 2009


After watching more episodes of Supernatural with Master tonight, i feel completely reconnected to me. i was starting to lose touch with that side of me that i liked, the side that had become overwhelmed by all my obligations to the outside world. i don't handle stress well, at all. Obviously. i hide away from my true self when there are too many outside stressors.

But spending that time with Master, reconnecting as Master and pet, as incubus and succubus, it was perfection. It's brought be back to myself.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

i'm thankful i've got a Master who doesn't ever let me give up on myself, though i often want to.

Today, i had quite a bit of a blow to my spirituality and how i think others view me. i know my spirituality is my own and it's silly to try and have others' beliefs wash through to my own, but i can't help it at times.

So, despite all the whining i was doing this afternoon, i think i will still proceed with the markings Master and i had previously picked out.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Today was taxing, to say the least. Firstly, group went terrible; i didn't participate a lot at all, only when directly spoken to. i don't have to like going there, but i have to do it. i just dont' have to be happy about it.

Then grocery shopping. As much as i love to cook, i hate going grocery shopping. Especially when i just cannot find exactly what i'm looking for.

i'm really just tired, though. Not even really sure what else to say other than no one will ever force me to do things i don't want to do, even Master. Master never forces me to do anything, though i know it will raise his ire if i don't. But he usually doesn't ask anything of me that he knows i'm not capable of doing.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Remnants of the Past

One of my ex-husband's friends tried to add me as a friend on Facebook tonight. i'm going to pretend i just didn't see the request. There are reasons i don't keep in contact with those remnants of my past. It's nothing but bad memories, memories that i've been working so dilligently to put away so they don't affect me as they used to.

i don't understand the need for people to cling to me. i understand that my nature as a succubus causes people to have a difficult time shaking thoughts of me from their heads (at least if i've interacted with them for any length of time; obviously, a stranger won't pay much attention to me). But honestly, if i still wanted contact with these people, i would have kept it up.

It's really frustrating to be forcibly reminded of the past, especially when i'm trying to break free from that. So, for now, the friend request will be ignored and i will be able to move on with my life.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Working together

Master and i work surprisingly well together. We're working on a project right now that will hopefully serve to become something bigger than the both of us. Something that will help people understand who and what we are.

Which is probably a good thing for me. After the last few weeks of feeling like an utter failure, i certainly need the pick-me-up that this is providing. With luck, we'll be rolling it out by the end of summer. Possibly sooner if we can really buckle down and deal with it.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

i've come to a conclusion

i simply cannot trust "professionals" with my mental health care. They don't seem to care one whit about it. When i admit to my self harm, all they do is bring up cutting and shrug it off once i say i don't do it.

So i've decided that i'm going to get a part-time job. Nothing fancy, or that would require a hell of a lot of work, but it would be therapeutic in its own way. i'd be getting out of the house and interacting with the public at large. This is the biggest problem i've had so far. But it would also be really great to work outside of the house for a few hours a week.

Master enjoys the idea of this, because he knows how much more it would help me. Of course, if he had his way, i wouldn't have to work, but things just aren't able to work out like that at this time. i really do think it will help in the long run. And then maybe, once i'm more settled down and working on my issues in an alternative way, i could at least find other alternatives to the self harm.

Monday, June 15, 2009

i can't even think well enough to write lately. i think i need help and it's just not coming from my therapists and group sessions. What's even worse is that Master is so far away and i'm starting to self injure again, really badly. i wish i knew how to stop.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

i seem to be doing a bit better today. When the people paid to help me start attacking my support system, i do break down pretty badly. So when my counselor told me that i didn't need to be living with my mom nor being in a relationship with Master, i just couldn't handle it. It wasn't the first time she's told me this, but i will make sure it's the last. i will be looking into other alternatives to this group therapy, i think.

Master performed some maintenance spankings tonight. 30 paddlings on each cheek. It really helped reconnect me to my submissive side as well as to reaffirm that Master enjoys having me as his pet. Sometimes with as busy as our life gets, i think this is probably a pretty necessary thing.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

i think i'm falling apart again.

Friday, June 12, 2009


Lately i've felt a bit of a disconnect from many things, including my submissive side a bit. It might just be because of everything i'm going through at the moment, but it's a bit sad to me. i didn't even really realize it until i went to blog tonight, or i would have certainly brought it up to Master before this.

i'm not quite sure what to do to kick start the feeling, though. Hopefully Master and i can have time to discuss it, but for now, it's bed time, i think.

Thursday, June 11, 2009


i started a new fitness regime today. Not because Master's asked me to, just because i want to get into shape and lead a more fit lifestyle. i'm not too interested in losing weight, as i know Master likes me at this size. i just want to be able to take a flight of stairs without feeling winded.

The other plus side of exercising is that it seems to help quite a bit with my PMS. Because of the endorphins released when exercising, i felt really good when i finished today, even during the cool down when my legs were burning. This really is the most intense workout schedule i've had to endure since my days in JROTC, which only really happened once a week.

But really, there are a lot of advantages to this. And i'm glad Master is so supportive of it.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

i swear i had a topic tonight

It just kind of fell out of my head as i washed my face before coming in here to blog. Sucks.

Oh, i remember now. About what others think about me. At my meeting today, i was once again told that i'm far too dependent on my mom. While this may or may not be true, is that truly a bad thing? i really do rely on her a lot, but she also relies on me just as much. Without me being around, her doctors are scared that she will die.

And if she thinks i'm too dependent on my mom, i wonder what she'd think about this whole lifestyle i lead. Probably not too highly of it. But her message to me is always "does it really matter what people think?" So what better way to show understanding of a lesson than by applying it towards the teacher?

Honestly, i don't think i'm too dependent. Sure, i rely on Master and mom to help get me through, but at least i have the support. Right now, i don't feel as if i'm strong enough to stand on my own without them. So that is one thing i will fight against.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Being myself

i've promised Master i would try again to be myself, wholly and fully. But i'm not sure how to go about doing that. For most of my life, i've had to hide that part of myself. If i even displayed a little bit of it, i was punished greatly for it.

So i've had a long, rocky history with myself. Mostly, i find i become what others want of me. Perhaps this is due to my naturally submissive nature, or perhaps it's something different, but i'm not sure. i just don't know how to reach inside and be myself because i'm scared others aren't going to embrace her, like what happened in the past.

Perhaps i can bring this up in group tomorrow.

Monday, June 8, 2009

So i should explain

Things have been pretty bad here for me lately. Not so much in a physical sense, but definitely in a mental and emotional sense. i've been utterly disgusted with myself and i just feel like giving up, honestly. What's the point of pushing for a change if it never comes? Maybe it's just me being impatient, though.

i can't even seem to think again lately. It's very frustrating.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

i've had it with this trying to be myself crap. No one's missing out on a thing, so why bother fighting for it?

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Worked to the bone

i've been pushing myself too hard this weekend already. i feel horribly nauseated and i'm ready to just pass out. And, honestly, i'm kind of scared. So i'm going to get some water and go to bed.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Coming to grips

Again, i apologize for how withdrawn i've been lately. i'm coming to grips with certain aspects of myself. As such, i've been spending more time away from public writings and more time in private thought. If Master wishes me to share in public, i will, but for the time being, it's probably better for me if i keep such thoughts to myself.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Master and i had a long talk tonight. But i can't even digest it now because i'm utterly exhausted.


Yesterday was so busy, i forgot to post before going to bed. Our little girl got a new bed and we spent the day cleaning to make sure it would fit in her room.

I realize I don't keep the house as clean as even i would like. It's kind of an embarrassing thing to admit, but i am pretty lazy and it's something that Master hasn't mandated yet. Truly, i hope it's something that he does keep me held to, as his orders and commands really motivate me.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009


i've been exhausted all afternoon. Master allowed me to nap and i stayed sleeping for hours. It was really quite insane.

Even now, i feel as if i'm ready to pass out. i'm not quite sure, but it might be the item i acquired today. i will have to do some research into it.

Monday, June 1, 2009


A post in a community on Livejournal got me thinking about names and what is in one. How a name can so perfectly label something that it just IS, no further explanation needed. That's how i feel about the name "Lilikka." It perfectly describes me; the sounds of the syllables, the images it brings up in my head, the way it tastes in my mouth.

It took me quite a while to find my true name. The name my parents gave me at birth certainly wasn't it. It never felt quite right, especially when there were so many other girls with the same name. As i grew older, friends gave me various nicknames, each sticking for a while, but also never truly feeling right.

Until the day i created my own model naming language. i use it to name various characters in writings that i do, to give them a more exotic flare without being an actual name. And that's how "Lilikka" was born. It conjures images of fire and justice; the name itself means "weilding fire for justice's sake" in my model language. But the name so perfectly fits who and what i am; as Master's pet, as a succubus, and as a woman.

i know i've been lax about replying to comments and i promise that will be done first thing in the morning!