Sunday, May 31, 2009

Perhaps that will be the end of that

Finished Fable today. Sure, there's a lot of end-game stuff to do, but i think i'll move on for a while. i'm tired of all the villagers hating me :'(

Anyway, Master and i sat down for a movie tonight, which we haven't done in forever. We watched A Haunting in Connecticut. Pretty freaky stuff, honestly. Gets me to thinking about the paranormal and the supernatural and my natural drawing towards them. Besides the whole trans-specied feelings i have, i love the thought that humans aren't the only sentient beings on this planet. There are far too many unexplained phenomena and i don't necessarily buy into the God theory.

Been trying to read The Dangerous Book for Demon Slayers, but i just can't get into it. The main character has to kill a town full of succubi and it's really kind of distressing to me. Not all demons are bad. Certainly not as bad as they're always portrayed in novels, movies and on TV. At least, that's my own belief. Like people, there are varying degrees of good and bad. It's difficult to judge someone based only on a few facts of their life, after all.

Either way, i'm hoping to finish the book and then possibly sell it to someone else or even just donate it to the library. Hopefully someone will get more enjoyment out of it than me.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Lonely day

Master was out with his mother most of the day, so we didn't spend a lot of time together. i just really missed his presence, even though it was a pretty laid back kind of day. But i've been feeling a bit lonely lately. Like i'm starting to, again, disconnect from people. i don't know if this is a defense mechanism within my brain or if it's just something that happens because i don't know how to be social with people.

Either way, i start feeling strange when i get lonely. i don't like the feeling, even though i'm a greatly introverted person. i was reading in As A Man Thinketh that we, as humans, crave both what we love and what we fear. And, since i have terrible social anxiety, perhaps i also crave the embrace of a social situation as well.

Unfortunately, i'm not even sure how to go about being anything other than a huge spaz when it comes to people. i get extremely shy and i just don't even know how to react, because i'm afraid of looking like a jerk or a fool. But if i don't push past the fear, then i'll never really reach out. i just don't know what it's going to take to give me the push i need.

Friday, May 29, 2009


Another day devoid of any real thoughts. It's starting to become a bad habit of mine. But i do still find the time to serve Master in all aspects that he requires and requests of me, so that's good. Things have kind of fallen into a lull in my life lately, though.

Though Master did bring up an interesting point after tonight's viewing of Supernatural. He was commenting on how one of the angels is selfish because he's willing to screw Dean over to have Dean still hunt demons. When i argued the point that, as an angel, he's not selfish, he's just trying to follow his God's will, Master says that because God is selfish and angels serve God, they are selfish by proxy.

i'm not quite sure if i really like that kind of thinking, though. i do serve Master, willingly and wholly, but we aren't the same being, even though many of our thought processes are similar. But that doesn't make us the same person, even by proxy. i am, and always will be, Lilikka and Master is Master. As similar as we can be, we will never be anything more or less than two sides of a beautiful partnership between us. And that, i believe, is the way we should all be.

Bleh, Master has a way of striking right to the heart of my problems. Just when i start to complain about not having any real thoughts, he causes me to think.

Thursday, May 28, 2009


Yesterday's entry was a bit... strained. i think i'm starting to develop writer's block even for my blog. i haven't been able to clearly think of anything i want to say. My brain is just kind of "derp derp"-ing along.

i haven't had much of a chance to be as introspective as i would like, and it's really starting to get to me. i would love to further explore some of the thoughts i've been having, but when i try, it just doesn't ever come out like i'd like it to.

Perhaps if i spend a little bit doing some writing in a private place, away from everyone's eyes (as long as Master permits it), then i can get some of these thoughts out.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009


Been playing a ton of Fable 2 today. i finally got my character to turn evil, horns and glowing eyes and everything. And it's strange, because i find the evil acts pretty... natural? Of course, i would never do something like that in real life, but the impulse is definitely there.

And, besides that, Master likes my evil side ;D

Tuesday, May 26, 2009


i'm fully believing in the concept that humans can have powers that science can't explain. Speaking for myself, i have the powers of Empathy. While anyone can have empathy, i have a level of Empathy not seen in most people; i can completely absorb others emotions, even when i have no real reason to feel that way, and i can push my own feelings onto others. Unfortunately, it's a dangerous thing for me because i'm so untrained.

For my part, i've never met anyone as powerful an Empath as i seem to be. Master has a touch of it, but he generally has to have a physical contact with someone to use his powers, where i can push it out just being in the general vicinity of someone.

It's an interesting thought, though, that people can have such unexplainable powers. i'm not much of a believer in a higher power, such as a god. Instead, i believe in people. We are ever evolving creatures, but sometimes our evolutions also end up breeding out things that we once had. i believe that more and more humans had supernatural powers, but as science progressed, we needed them less and less.

i know this is a bit of a departure from what i typically talk about, but this is all a part of my journey, as finding myself in my servitude to Master includes finding out about parts of me that i used to ignore wholly.

Monday, May 25, 2009


Does it always have to be an answer for everything? If there's anything in the world that i hate, it's violence, mostly because of my horrible childhood, where every day was a struggle against violence with my father. But really, there has got to be a better way. Using words to settle disputes. Agreeing to disagree. There isn't any real need for violence whatsoever.

And maybe this is funny, coming from a masochist like me, who enjoys spankings and bites and paddlings. But these aren't acts of violence to me. Instead, they're acts of love, no different than a kiss or a hug, as long as they're bestowed in a loving way.

This was all brought on by my daughter tonight. For months, she'd occasionally hit me when she didn't get her way. And i tried my best to talk to her, explain that it's not a good thing and then take away her privileges as punishment. But between yesterday and today, it escalated to where she was doing it for the hell of it, and then laughing about it. So i finally hit her back

i have never felt more despair at anything than the moment i realized what i had done. It absolutely sickened me to know that, out of anger, i struck someone. Not out of self-defense, as i've had need to in the past, but out of a terrible rage because this little girl had hit me and then laughed about it. But for all that, it did seem to have some kind of effect on her. i just hate the fact that it took a violent act to get her to react in the way i would have wanted her to act from the beginning. She actually said she was sorry without being forced into it.

i just wish it hadn't taken something like that for it to happen.

Late Day Four

Master got home yesterday. i would like to think i handled everything pretty well, even though i never 100% completed Master's list (and i really kind of screwed up with the blogging last night). But Master's just happy that i didn't have a mental breakdown and i'm really proud of that, too. A year ago, when he went, we got into a big fight over everything.

Anyway, i'll blog more later, i'm tired from being up with Master, just remembered i didn't blog last night.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Day Three

Today was pretty rough, mostly because i couldn't get a lot of Master's tasks done. Mom needed help cleaning the garage and there was work to be done around the house. Master says that it's alright, but i still feel so badly about it.

i've been working on my self-esteem issues, but it just feels like it's such an uphill battle. i know i mean a lot to Master, but i can't feel like i mean a lot to myself. i just don't know what to do about it, but thinking about it has given me such a terrible headache that i may have to go lay down now.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Day Two

What a wonderful day! Even though Master wasn't around so much, it was still a great day. Group was interesting, as it was only me. Then when i got home, i was able to finish another three and a half tasks Master had left for me! How amazing!

So yeah, today was great. i got around to writing an essay, which can be found here. It was such a great experience and i want to write more, especially on the subject of being a trans-species succubus. Luckily, i have an opportunity to write some more this weekend, as Master wants a short story this weekend. Not quite sure of what i will write, but something will come up.

But now Master wants me to lay down since he's going to bed and he wants to try and have us go to bed at the same time.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Day 1

Master left this morning and arrived in Toronto safely. i started to break down a bit earlier, but discovered that i have more friends than i ever thought. If it weren't for them, i don't know if i would have lasted until Master was able to contact me. But i'm glad they're around. i want to find a way to really thank them.

So, out of Master's list of 10 additional tasks this weekend, i've finished one completely and am well started into a second. The first was to reshuffle some blogs around, so i could have more of a purpose with them. The second is to finish two books. i'm currently reading As A Man Thinketh, and that's certainly helping as well.

But so far, i believe i'm doing much better than last year. It's a good testament to how much i've grown as Master's pet and as myself in my own right. But really, thanks to all of you for your continued support <3

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Tasks To Keep Me Busy

Master leaves tomorrow, probably before i get back from my appointment. He'll be gone until Sunday evening. Luckily, he's set quite a few tasks for me to perform this weekend while he's gone to keep me busy. Most of them a pretty time consuming, which is a good thing. Actively performing tasks for Master helps me keep my mind off of how much i'm going to miss him.

i don't do well away from Master for long periods of time. i'm working on it, but it's a difficult journey. He's had me write some runes on my arms to make sure i keep safe in his absence, which will help, i think. All i have to do is look at them to know that he's protecting me.

Also, it's incredibly difficult to blog when Master keeps singing about how he wants to fill my mouth with his cum. Mmm.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Busy times ahead

It's pretty much official that mom will be having surgery in a few weeks. It's two out-patient procedures, one on a Friday and then the next on the following Monday. So while these aren't really that terribly big, if the test run is successful, she's going to be going through another major back surgery. Which means more that i have to do for her, but for my mom, i don't mind.

What scares me is that if i become so busy, i won't put in as much time as i'd like into my self-improvements. i've been doing pretty well lately, i feel. Tomorrow's another day in group, my first back since that breakdown. i'm feeling up to it, though. And reading As A Man Thinketh as really been helping.

i just have problems when things get too busy in my life; i tend to not know what to do with myself. i panic and spaz out, even when Master tries to calm me down. But i think if i can stay focused on what i must do, then it will reduce my anxiety a ton. It's already been down a lot, and i haven't even had to increase my dosage of my medication, which i thought i was going to have to do a few weeks back. But thinking myself into a calmer state is surprisingly helpful.

As for the immediate plans, i'm hoping to do a bit of blog re-organization this weekend while Master is attending the convention. At the very least, it'll help me keep busy.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Almost forgot again

Glad i woke up, because i almost forgot to blog again.

Today was an interesting day. My counselor let me borrow a book that really helped put things in perspective. It's a re-written and modernized version of James Allen's As A Man Thinketh. But it really gets me thinking about myself and how i keep myself stuck.

Of course, fear is what holds me back from moving forward a lot. i'm afraid of what might happen if i become my true self around anyone other than Master. Even then, i don't always show Master my true self, either, for fear of him turning me away. It's a silly fear, because there's absolutely no logic to it.

But now i'm about to drift back off to sleep, so i ought to go. Hopefully i'll be able to continue this thinking in the morning.

Sunday, May 17, 2009


This has become less of a want and more of a need in my life. i need to learn to stand up for myself and not be a doormat. i belong to Master and no one else, but i have such a difficult time saying no to others who want to use me for various purposes. Nothing sexual, of course. That i'm already very good at turning down.

Which is why, i think, i can use that as a starting point for being assertive in other areas of my life. My biggest problem is that when someone asks me for a favor, i always do it, even if i know they'd never give back in return. It feels like i'm just the world's biggest pushover.

For a long time i thought that's what it meant to be submissive. But i know now that it's not. The only person i must submit to is Master, and that's by choice and because i respect him and his methods. But other people that i do things for? i barely can tolerate them, let alone respect them. Most of them are people that have only recently met me, but then ask me for everything under the moon and sun. And i just refuse to do it any longer.

But part of me is scared of being labeled a bitch over it. While i do enjoy being a "badass bitch," being just a normal, garden-variety bitch scares me. This all feels so wrapped up in my self-esteem issues and how i wish others to perceive me that it would be completely unsurprising if it was all related.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

It's so hot here

100F outside earlier. It's already 8pm and still 95F right now. Talk about crazy. This is a night where i will be wearing as little to bed as possible. Of course, i do that anyway.

But i tend to get really bitchy when it's hot outside. For being a demon, i sure can't stand the heat very well. i've been trying not to snap at people, but it's difficult. It also makes me very lethargic. i actually slept in today! Not sure how Master feels about that one, but he didn't complain.

Speaking of lethargy, i might go lay down.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Oh my Master :(

i always feel so bad when he's had a rough day at work. And, try as i might, the best cure for him is rest and he gets the best rest when he's sleeping. So it's another early night for us.

These last few entries have been such a cop-out of what i normally do. But i promise i'm going to ramp up this next week, especially because Master will be off to a convention with some friends next weekend. It's going to be a test of how much stronger that i've become since last year, and i'm kind of looking forward to it.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

All the titles i can think of i already used

But i think i'm really on a path that's taking me forward again. After that bit of a slip-up, i'm doing so much better. My mind is clear again. i feel like my full succubus self again, and that's a very, very good thing.

And the thing i'm most grateful for is how accepting and patient Master has been of all my missteps. Unfortunately, i also find that, when i'm happy, it's hardest to go inside myself and think and come up with something to write about. Or that might just be the tired-ness.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009


Just a smattering of thoughts before i pass out. Master reminded me that i hadn't blogged for today today.

The past week and a half or so was a major set-back in my mental recovery. i was taking it pretty badly until i met with my new worker today and he made it all clearer to me than anyone else had been able to explain it. So now i feel like i'm ready to push forward again.

i enjoy relaxing activities with Master. That's why the night went by so fast, but it was a really great and relaxing time.

My bed is comfy and i really don't want to get out of it to take my medicine and brush my teeth. i am awfully tired. And a bit hungry? But i'll eat in the morning.

Bed time, i think.

Forgot again?

i've been so thrown off mentally lately, that i forgot something so simple as writing for Master. This makes me upset with myself, because i have been trying so hard to not forget.

But things are just... rough lately. i'll write more tonight after the day is all over.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Two steps back

i've had a major setback today. My agoraphobia is rearing its ugly head again and i'm so afraid to even set foot outside. Even when i went to take the trash out tonight, i felt like the neighbors were staring at me and i had to hurry and run back inside.

All of this, i think, confuses Master. He's never really known me like this, and in a way, i really feel it puts a strain on our relationship. We talked a lot tonight, but i still feel like i've destroyed things way too much.

Sunday, May 10, 2009


i was assigned by one of the counselors i've been working with to write about significant memories of my past. This isn't an easy task for me and it's definitely one that i really don't feel that i'm up to quite yet. My past certainly isn't the happiest, which is why i've got PTSD caused by trauma and abuse.

Mostly, i'm afraid to dredge up old memories that i put away for a reason. i don't want to remember these things. They're in the past and, while they cannot physically hurt me, it still triggers terrible things in me. i went ballistic the other day when a bad memory triggered my anger and i just blew up.

i understand that this exercise is to find out where all my feelings come from, to find out why i'm such an angry and bitter person. But i know where: my father. i don't need to think about the time that he broke my back at the age of 8 and how i felt scared and angry about it. i don't need to think about how, at my high school graduation, he told me what a disappointment i was because i wasn't Valedictorian (my GPA was 3.8, certainly nowhere near the 4.6 our class' Valedictorian earned).

And there are a million more memories like these. But they're things that do me no good to remember. i can't change them and i've already learned what i can from them, even if it was the wrong thing. Which is why i'm working now to retrain my brain into separating my father's shit from my own issues. i just don't think remembering it all is the way to go about it. But maybe i'm the one in the wrong and i'm going about this the wrong way. But i have to say, even Master doesn't insist that i push this too far because of the negative reprecussions that this can have on my health.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

i have an anger problem

It's something i've never truly addressed with Master, nor is it something he's ever truly seen from me. But i have a problem with how quick to anger i am and how destructive i can get once i'm there. i suppose it's my succubus side; it is demonic, after all. But it's quite a scary thing. Even my daughter told me how scared of me she was earlier.

Now, i would never do anything physical to another person. That's definitely not in my nature. But i do throw things and yell and scream and it's just not a nice sight. And i would like to find a more constructive way of dealing with the issue at hand instead of being so angry.

However, Master wants me in bed early tonight, so i shall keep this brief. i'll try to meditate on it as i fall asleep. Maybe tomorrow, i'll have more of a pathway to an answer.

Friday, May 8, 2009

The curse of youthful looks

One of the things i dislike the most is how young i look. i'm sure it's refreshing to Master, since i'm actually older than he is, but it's a pain to me. Constantly being carded to see movies or buy video games gets really old after about the tenth or eleventh time. It feels almost insulting, because i'm old enough by nearly a decade to do these things without being carded.

Add to this the fact that i'm hard of hearing, and i become quite a conundrum to people. How can someone who looks so young have such a hard time hearing? Most people don't take into account that deafness and causes of hearing loss can happen regardless of age. But that doesn't stop it from being any less frustrating.

Master, as ever, is understanding when i cannot hear him correctly. He makes sure that when he's speaking to me face-to-face, i can see him so, at the very least, i can read his lips. It's especially helpful because it ensures that i really do hear his words and not just pretending to hear them (which i do at times because i'm ashamed of my hearing loss). And it ensures him that i won't just pretend to not hear an order or command that i really don't feel like following.

i'm especially afraid that, once Master and i are able to move in more social circles of kink, people will be skeptical to aproach me for conversation because of my youthful looks. And really, i want to be a part of all of this because i crave social interactions, even as i'm anxious about them. i just don't know what i'd do if i were shunned because of how young i look. And, strictly speaking, i'm pretty young for being in the scene anyway, but i'm at least of a consenting age.

But really, this is my biggest fear regarding my looks; that i'll be shunned before i'm even given a chance to shine. It's why i think i embrace the internet so much, because then people can't judge me so much on my looks, but rather through my writings and how i portray myself this way.

Thursday, May 7, 2009


A friend recently wrote about how she feels she needs "Systems" in her life to help keep her life organized. And i realized i'm much the same way, though i refer to them as "Rituals." They're very sacred to me once i develop one. Unfortunately, i know that many of the Rituals i've employed in the past to keep my life at a constant have been thrown to the side while i've been going through this great mental upheaval of late.

Blogging daily is one of my Rituals, though, and it's something i take pride in. i may not always write well, but Master enjoys all my entries and, though i missed one day, i made it up by double posting the next. This is something that helps bring me closer to my true self, which is another thing i've been dealing with as of late.

Master doesn't want me to develop Rituals that are too rigid and disallow for change, but other than those guidelines, he doesn't see a problem with me coming up with ways for me to feel connected. In the end, i feel it will further my submission to him and it gives me a good feeling that Master trusts in me enough to let me develop these on my own without him directly telling me what to do.

The problem is keeping up with these Rituals. In the smallest signs of stress, i tend to forget how far i've come and just drop it all and go back to the old me. But i really don't want that. i'm almost certain this time that with that much motivation, i'll be able to truly hang on this time.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Restful day

Master gave me a day off today, so i basically spent all day playing video games. Since getting this Xbox 360 Elite, it's pretty much what i've chosen to do in my time off lately. Which is both good and bad. Good because it gets me out of my room and around people, but bad because i end up sitting on my ass playing video games.

But really, today was a good day. It's rare for me to be able to truly relax like this. Usually i'm so uptight that i just... can't relax at all. But i was able to complete a game to 100%, plus play a bit more in a few other games. AND write up a game review on top of all of that. This is a big step for me, as it's something i've been kind of avoiding for a while.

i really wish i could do something better with my review blog. It seems pretty crap right now. Maybe since i've taken so much time away from it, i can figure out something new.

Aah, back to Supernatural with Master.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

i am not perfect

i know, quite the shock eh? i never really thought i was perfect, but i used to strive to be. In some ways, i still do. i'm a perfectionist to an unhealthy degree. So much so that my self esteem suffers if i just can't do things right. And that's something Master has been working with me on fixing.

It's starting small. i mean, it's so goofy to even admit this, but i used to spaz out whenever i would lose at video games. Truly, i was the definition of a poor sport. Now, even if i lose, i can easily shrug it off. i did my best, why worry any more?

But other aspects of my life, i'm still having difficulties thinking this way. Particularly when Master asks something of me. If it's not 100%, just exactly right, i really beat myself up mentally. i try to apply the same logic that i do with video games, but it just doesn't seem to fit right.

But this is still a good step forward. At least i can do this now.

Monday, May 4, 2009

New opportunities

Our car died today. Just... out of nowhere, actually. We were picking up mom's prescriptions from Target and it just wouldn't start. Thought it could possibly be the battery. Wasn't that. Had to have it towed to Sears Auto Center so they could check the starter and alternator. Wasn't either of those. Had to have it towed to yet another garage (Golden Gate Auto of Fairfield, CA; they come highly recommended from me, BTW). Turns out, it's the ignition switch.

But despite all this, i've been trying to keep a positive attitude all day. Firstly, the kiddo was great. No whining, no crying, no misbehaving whatsoever during the panicky anxiety parts of the day. That right there is terrific on a good day, but it's an absolute blessing on a bad day. Secondly, i got to ride in a tow truck for the first time. It was a lot bumpier than i would have ever expected.

Maybe it's just a silly thing to count as a positive. But really, i love new experiences. When i have an opportunity to try something i've never tried before, i like to think i'm pretty balls to the wall. Or at least, i am now that i have Master in my life. Before him, i was very timid. But since starting this relationship with him, i'm finding myself yearning for more excitement and adventure. Probably because i never had it before him. i often feel foolish because he's so much more experienced. But he always reassures me saying he'll take me on adventures. And i love him for that.

Sunday, May 3, 2009


So i'm starting to feel better, although i'm pretty certain that i've got an ulcer, which explains the nausea and stomach pains. i've been under a lot of stress lately, but after listening to Master's advice, i'm feeling better. This isn't the first time i've had an ulcer brought on by stress, but it's been quite a number of years, so i wasn't even thinking of that as a possibility. i'll talk to my doctor about it on Tuesday when i go in for my annual check-up just to be absolutely sure. i don't like self-diagnosing.

i really dislike how ill i can become and there's always the possibility of worse ailments in the future because of my genetics. i know i can't control them, but still. My mother survived three different kinds of cancer, which is great, but also means i'm at a higher risk. And that worries me. Just knowing how concerned Master has been for my health makes me so sad. Not that i am sad that he's worried about me, just that i don't like to see him that concerned. Of course, it just means that he cares. But there's still something inside of me that dislikes when others worry over me. That's supposed to be my job.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Moving forward

i have to admit that, even when i feel i'm slipping backwards, i am still pushing ahead. When i started this blog, the few comments i got were always met with anxiety on my part. i have terrible social phobia and speaking with others that i don't really know was so nerve wracking, it was amazing i was able to reply at all.

But i realize tonight that i've been able to reply to the comments left without feeling scared. This is a huge step for me. Instead of wanting to run away and ignore the comments, i look forward to replying. And i really do always try to reply to every comment.

So thank you, commentors, for helping me further down my path by allowing me to strengthen myself. My next goal is to be able to leave comments on others' blogs without feeling as if i'm a moron.

Friday, May 1, 2009

i spend more time bitching than being happy

But i guess that's because i'm not a naturally happy person. Perhaps someday, but i kind of doubt it. With all that i've been through and all the therapy i've still got to go through and i just... i feel as if i just make things worse for everyone.

Master says i need to trust in my succubus side. And i try. But it seems when i do that, i feel more and more ill physically. i don't understand what's even going on.

i feel as if i need to just... restart myself. It's a strange thought, though.