Wednesday, September 30, 2009

i rarely get to be Master's pet in public. i don't know why that is. i suppose that it's because there are too many people in this town who know me and it might put me in a bad position. But why should it matter what they think of me? i don't have a job right now, so no employer to be aware of. But there's always the thought of perhaps a future employer finding out.

But i would like to be Master's pet in public more often. i love to feel his dominance over me in every aspect of our life. It makes me feel alive.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Once again, positive thinking has gotten me through the day. When everything was going wrong, Master just reminded me of how great i am and i got through. Then i got the best news ever: i actually am only a semester away from getting my AA. This is surprising, because i had dropped my classes in the middle of the semester because of extenuating circumstances. i just found out that college passed me for those classes.

And, as silly as it was, that was my biggest thing holding me back from going back to school: the fact that i had taken most of a semester and i would have to retake the classes because of what happened. i can't even describe this feeling. But i think i will be looking at going back to school soon.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Today was a bit of a breakthrough for me. Or i would at least like to think so. Even when i messed up, i didn't yell at myself or treat myself like i was a terrible person or anything. i just reminded myself that i'm allowed to make mistakes and i moved on.

i haven't been able to do this for a very long time, if ever in my life. And i'm really, really happy with myself over all of this. For the first time, i feel free to really be myself without fear, because no one is here to beat me up if i'm wrong.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Master shared something with me today that he had never told me before. And it's given me the strength to keep pushing through with my healing, as well as my service to him. After all, if he can go through what he went through, i can get through this and still end up loving myself. He is truly the most amazing person to me and i'm sure i can be just as an amazing person as he is.

But really. i'm not that bad of a person, when it really boils down to it. i've been hurt, but who hasn't? The important thing is what i do from here on out.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

i am tired of being her doormat. As much as i love my mother, i don't think she understands just how rude she can be to me. i take every courtesy to make sure that i don't disturb her when she has her private time, but when the roles are reversed, she never considers me at all. And i've just had it tonight. Not only has she jawed at me all day about her problems, she wonders why i don't say anything about mine.

It's because, the one time i tried to open up yesterday and started crying, she turned around and made it all about her. Maybe i'm the selfish one, wanting someone to just listen to me about my problems, but i was tired of hearing about how pissed off she was at something that happened two weeks ago.

But, being the pushover that i am, i won't say anything and i will continue to take this. It's just the way i am.

Friday, September 25, 2009


i broke down in group today and sobbed about how depressed i am over having PTSD and how i feel like it's a death sentence. If i was going to break down anywhere, though, i'm glad it was there. Not only was everyone extremely supportive, but most even gave me help with how i can help myself.

The big thing is forgiveness, one of the women said. Not that i should forgive the people who hurt me for their sake, but rather for my own. If i can come to peace with what happened, then they would no longer have power over me.

But that's the part where i'm stuck at. How do i forgive those who have, i feel, really turned my life upside down? But i suppose if she can do it, and her parents stabbed and shot at her, i can forgive my father, ex-husband and aunt for the things they've done to me.

Thursday, September 24, 2009


Whatever i set out to do, i can generally do it easily. i tried making french toast for the first time today. And so I took a picture of how it turned out, which was fantastic.

The problem i have is that i'm a jack of all trades. i can pretty much do well at whatever it is i pick up, but i don't excel at anything. Which is what bothers me more than anything. Sure, i know a lot of people wish they could have the ability to do anything they try, but i would really just like to be able to go above and beyond the average person's skills at what i try.

But maybe this is just me bitching and moaning about things that i can't even really control.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

i think i finally figured out what's been going on with me lately. It was this time many years ago that my aunt kicked me out of her house, effectively making me homeless for a few weeks before i could fly out to my mom's new house. It's that point in my life that i really made a downward spiral for myself. And i've never fully forgiven her for it. i mean, i had to drop out of school only weeks after the semester started, but just long enough that i couldn't even get a partial refund on my tuition.

i want to be able to move past all this. To forgive her and let it move on, so i can move on with my life. But it's difficult. i still see her and, to this day, she hasn't apologized for what she did, even though i know she feels guilty over it. In a lot of ways, it's like my dad: he knows deep down he did bad shit to me by beating the crap out of me for nearly 20 years and stealing my money, but he won't ever apologize.

i'll find a way to forgive. i just hope it's before i spin further out of control.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Another life

i had a thought that i would love to run away from the life i have and just start all over. The problem is, i've already done this in the past and i know how disastrous that can work out. i lived a life for over five years that was partial fiction: a masquerade of the person i thought i wanted to be. To this day, i don't think my ex-husband truly as any idea of who i really am, simply because i lied to him our entire relationship.

i was determined not to do that in my relationship with Master. i saw how that turned out. i couldn't handle being that other me anymore than i could handle being the real me. But, again, i find myself wishing i could be the person i see deep inside myself. And i'm quite tempted to just shed my skin and become her. Maybe this time will be different? Or maybe it won't.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Art through pain

i've been thinking about this today. Is true art only achievable through knowing true pain? It seems as if all the great artists, be they musicians, painters, sculptors, etc. all have a history of trauma and they use their art as a way of coping.

That is, honestly, one thing i haven't ever really tried for myself. i've often wanted to, but i'm afraid that if the "art" doesn't come out perfectly, it's not going to be effective. This is, i feel, a ridiculous attitude for me to have. After all, the only purpose is to work through my trauma, not to necessarily produce a masterpiece.

i guess i just want so badly to be something great after being treated poorly for so long.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Even when my days are stressful, all it takes is an evening watching movies or gaming with Master to make me calm down. Today was no different. After struggling with the air conditioner this afternoon, i was hot and frustrated, and not in the fun ways. But Master and i decided to watch a movie tonight and it's been completely wonderful.

If only there were some way to bottle these relaxed feelings, so i could take them with me wherever i go. i have a feeling i'm going to need them this week.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

i don't know what it is, but i follow along with others far too blindly. Even others who are not Master can easily hold sway over my emotions and actions. It's truly scary for me when i think about it, especially when the more dangerous emotions and actions start coming out.

Things have been far too rough for me lately. i just want something to help me stay calm, but it seems like even that is denied to me.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Return to normalcy

Things finally felt a bit normal today. i probably did somethings i wasn't supposed to, but nothing too terrible. In the end, things will be ok, especially since i feel better now than i have in nearly a month.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

So let me explain what's been going on.

Things have kind of gone downhill a bit for me. i'm starting to feel i'm undeserving again, particularly because when i call people that are being paid to help me for help, they don't return my calls. So if people whose job it is to help me don't even want to help me, what hope do i have for everyone else?

i try to work on my self esteem. But it feels that, no matter what, there are always people who want to drag me down. And that sucks. Mostly, it's myself that i'm in constant battle with. i'm so used to being beaten down that a small part of me wants to stay there with what it knows, even though it'd be better for me to just move on.

In the end, i ended beating myself up, quite literally. i've got bruises up and down my right arm, including bruises on the tips of my fingers. my forehead split open after headbutting the wall (which also broke). This isn't a good thing. In fact, this is quite possibly the worst thing i think i could ever do to myself short of stabbing myself again.

But i also don't like opening up to people, because a) i feel as if i don't deserve it and b) i feel as if the people i open up to will end up hurting me, intentionally or not.

i'm just lost.
And it doesn't get any easier. It's like i'm in constant battle with myself.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Nothing really to say tonight. Just upset with myself and beginning to wonder if i'm even worth fixing.

Monday, September 14, 2009

i'm starting to think my health is failing me. Maybe it's just the realization that i have a lot of disorders, both physical and mental. Or maybe it's the fact that i've had a sharp pain in my ovaries on and off for months now. But really, i think it's because, by the time my mom was the age i am right now, she had been diagnosed with cervical cancer.

It scares me to death to think about having bad health problems like my mom has. And i'm late on my pop smear this year. So i'm so scared that maybe i've got some major problems going on there. Luckily, i have an appointment in two days, but i don't know what i'd do if something was wrong. i don't think i could handle it, not with everything else that's going on in my life.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

i've been a bit remiss in my part of Hellion. my duty is to write the story our project will follow. i've only got a few paragraphs into it, but i just haven't felt up to writing. i feel as if everything i touch turns to garbage the moment it comes out. This is probably just a low self-esteem issue. Which is why i dug out my old self-esteem handbook. Starting tomorrow, i'll try and work on that a bit in addition to the rest of my duties.

But what i truly hope to accomplish with Hellion is a way of bringing like-minded people together. People who realize that, although their bodies may be that of a human, their spirit is something different. After all, science has all but proved that all the myths are true. And i'm sure there are others out there who feel the same. We just need some way to bring them all together.

Saturday, September 12, 2009


Master and i finally watched the season premier of Supernatural. There's something about this show that brings the two of us closer. It could be the supernatural elements, which is a lure to the both of us, being an incubus and succubus. But i'd like to think it's also partly because of the lure of it being something bigger than its creators. It's something very similar to what we'd like to accomplish with our newest project.

i've been pretty tight lipped about it, but Master and i are working towards a multimedia project together. We want to bring some of our world view out and share it with the public. i'm not going to get too into the details at this moment, but it's something i'm very excited about. It's given me a great focus and a purpose to keep me going.

Friday, September 11, 2009


i need structure in my life. This isn't anything new i haven't known about myself. Without it, i wander around aimlessly, never really getting anything done. This, apparently, is all due to having PTSD, or so i'm being taught in my groups. i think it's a bit rubbish. i think i just need structure because of who i am as a person, not what disorders i have. i am not, after all, my disorders.

That being said, i really hope Master and i can truly come up with some great ways for me to serve him as well as a list of rules that i need to abide by. i think that's truly missing from our dynamic, and it bugs me quite a bit. i wish that it didn't. i feel as if, maybe, i'm pushing my ideals about this upon him. Of course, we've talked about this quite a bit, and he feels i'm not pushing, but he wants to make sure i take it slowly, so i don't get too overwhelmed, which it's very easy for me to do. But i really think i'm ready this time.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Boys' Night Out

Master went out with his friends again tonight. i think it's great that they can do something every week on average. Makes me feel like that i'm a part of his life, but not an interference within it.

But it gets me thinking about people who live near by that i consider friends. i don't really have too many of those. None, really. Most people around me tend to only want me to use me (and take that how you will, as i'm sure you won't be wrong). Even this new girl i've been talking to after meetings. She wants me to help her with her MP3 player, because she doesn't understand how to get songs onto it. And the week before that, she needed my help with setting up an email address for herself.

And it's not that i mind helping, but it'd be nice if there were some way that i could have the favor returned. But i know that will never happen.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

It never occurs to me just how alike Master and i are until we really sit down and talk for long hours. We are on the same wavelengths many times, often able to finish each other's sentences. It's almost like we're twins, but born to different parents, though i prefer to think of it as us being true mates.

Long before we were lovers, we were best friends. And even then, we had similar views of the world, but we were also both hiding secrets from the world and each other, because we were afraid it would turn the other away. It turns out that our secrets were the same and that it only ended up bringing us closer together than ever.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Glad that's over for another month

i'm feeling like myself again, which isn't a surprise since my period started yesterday. Hopefully my doctor will have a good solution by the time next month rolls around. i'm very much tired of the highs and lows that i get while going through PMDD. But at least everyone around knows my situation with it, so it doesn't seem like i'm just making it all up when i speak to my doctor. i don't know if she'll really believe me at first, but i hope so.

It's strange, though, because i almost feel like two different people sharing the same body. It's not like DID, though; i'm completely aware of what i'm doing and what's going on, i'm just powerless to stop the more dramatic actions. There are also no periods of blackouts, so it's not really like DID at all. But when i'm going through PMDD, i'm not Lilikka as i envision her. Or, rather, as i envision myself in my own mind. i'm more like the teenage version of myself, awkward and angry and definitely not who i'd like to be.

i think i shall be going to bed soon, though. i need a good amount of sleep to catch up on, plus i resume my meetings again tomorrow.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Losing myself

Once again, i feel as if i'm slipping away from my servitude. Master says that, by serving myself, i am serving him, but it feels a cheap way out for me. i don't know how else to explain it but that. i wish to be able to fully devote myself to Master and his desires. i've tried explaining to him that his desires are my desires and that, by serving him, i am serving myself. But all it does is lead us in a roundabout discussion.

i think it would be easier if we sat down together and wrote out a list of rules for me to follow. i really feel that that is what's keeping me from fully jumping into this lifestyle. Hopefully, we'll get a chance sometime in the near future to fix this and really be able to come up with something the two of us can agree with.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

i'd ask why but i know i'll never get an answer.

Saturday, September 5, 2009


my PTSD was triggered pretty badly today. It induced a panic attack so bad that i had to be brought to the ER via ambulance. i'm fine now, but my body wouldn't move and i couldn't breathe. It was really scary and i don't understand how anyone could inflict so much trauma on another human that it would cause them to have attacks like i had today.

But, i think, if i had to do my life all over again, i'd make the same choices, bad times and all, because all those choices brought me to Master. And, even though i have to struggle with all the terrible side effects of it, it's all worth it because i get to be with Master.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Rock out!

We got Guitar Hero 5 today and i've been rocking it on the bass ever since, singing a bit here and there. Really makes me miss the time i played bass. i might need to pick it back up sometime in the near future if this keeps up.

It's funny, you never really realize the little things that you miss. i stopped playing because i thought it would remind me of people that i've had fallings-out with, but, instead, it just makes me think of the good times. It's really a wonderful feeling.

And, of course, singing into the microphone and really being able to get it out without fear of being mocked is great. i'm not the best singer, but it makes me feel sexy when i do sing. And i don't get complaints from everyone around here ;)

Thursday, September 3, 2009

i spent the day reorganizing furniture in our bedroom. Master and i are far too rough on the furniture. This is the third bed we've needed in as many years. This one, however, is a wood frame instead of a wire frame, so hopefully this will last a lot longer.

But i've really worked myself to the bone, honestly. Besides getting our new bed in, i wanted to rearrange the room. i'm so glad i did, because it's left us a lot more room. For whatever reason, the previous layout of the room was so cramped, even though we have the same amount of furniture!

i do hope Master will be pleased once he sees what i've done with it all. i've told him about it, but didn't really clear the actual layout with him, hoping to surprise him a bit. i'm sure he won't mind it, especially because there's more room this way for more play ;)

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Today was a much better day than yesterday, thanks to help from Master and a friend, Mystic Dreamer. i suppose that's why i've had The Beatles' With A Little Help From My Friends stuck in my head all day.

i really am not sure what else to say, honestly, other than a thank you to the both of them.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

One more week

If i can just make it through this, i'll be ok.