Saturday, February 28, 2009


i love sex. Not just as an activity, but also as a topic of discussion. Out of all the non-fiction books i own, 90% of them deal with the topic of sex (and out of my fiction books, 75% of them mention an act of sex somewhere in the pages!). To me, it's something that i find utterly fascinating and engaging.

Lately, i've been really getting into reading a lot of sex-related blogs. i love it. As silly as it is, i never really realized just how many interesting blogs on the subject there are! And something even sillier: i live so close to San Francisco, and i don't even utilize that fact! Many of the blogs i've been reading have their authors living so close to the city. i think it's really wonderful.

i really want to try and just... i don't know. Embrace that side of me a lot more than i have been.

Friday, February 27, 2009


Sometimes, it's hard for me to remain calm. i'm a very up-tight person. This isn't something i'm proud of and i would certainly like to fix it, but it's such an integral part of how i function, i don't know how to change that. Master's presence is always calming, but it can be difficult to find ways to calm myself while he's resting.

i tried baking cookies today, since cooking and baking are calming things, but the cookie dough ended up too sticky and stuck to the rolling pin and, well, everything else. i had even floured everything well, but it still stuck. So i ended up throwing out the dough in frustration and just bought ready-made cookie dough. It wasn't quite the same, but at least it was less stressful.

Even things like reading have been stressful for me lately, mostly because i can never have time to just finish more than two sentences at a time. Just when i find out what's happening to my favorite fictional succubus, it seems to be inevitable that i have to stop what i'm doing to help Emi or mom.

So i'm trying to find other ways to stay calm. Playing sudoku. Doing picross. Anything to distract my mind. It seems to be working well with sudoku tonight, so i'm going to stick to that until Master returns.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

What a long week

This week has been, well... utterly exhausting for me. i'm really not used to being outside of the house as much as i have been. i don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but i'm so exhausted. i can't wait to put my daughter to bed every night and just... relax.

i'm a bit amazed at myself for being able to find time to take care of all the tasks Master asks of me in addition to all the other things i've been going through. It's nice because he never asks for more than i can give, but it surprises me that i'm able to continue to give, even with how tired i am.

i can't even really think to write much more tonight. While Master's resting, i think i'll take advantage of that and rest as well <3 style="font-style: italic;">

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Reaching Out

i did something uncharacteristically bold of me today. i sent an IM to a friend that i hadn't spoken to in a number of months. We had had a falling out over my lifestyle choices (well, it was more her husband had a problem with it, not so much her), but i would really like to still be friends. Master thinks it's a good thing i did and he says it will probably turn out positively.

My biggest fear, though, is that i've let too much time pass between now and when we stopped talking. i should probably addressed what had happened, but instead i just let it drop. But now that i'm a bit further in both my training as well as a bit more mentally stable, i feel i'm ready to talk to her again.

Part of the problem i have is that i tend to isolate myself, even from Master. i am working on it, though it's with great difficulty. But i know that if i can just push through the difficulties, i'll feel better in the end. And hopefully will have my friends back.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009


i've been doing lots of thinking about the training Master is putting me through. It's interesting to think about, honestly. i perform best when i'm guided and have things laid out for me as they're to be done. Master's style of training is pretty subtle. At first, i didn't even realize i was being trained to do things the way he liked it. But now that i see it, i'm a lot more confident in the things i do.

What i most desire is to be Master's perfect domesticated succubus. i want to be able to do all the household things that he requires while at the same time being able to keep up with him sexually. Which i think is really doable, as long as my training keeps progressing in the same manner that it has been.

Monday, February 23, 2009


Though we don't do it often, Master and i still argue at times. And while i feel this is healthy for our relationship (as we don't have a TPE-type relationship), we still have to resolve things at the end of the day when arguments crop up. For the most part, i think we deal with them pretty well. Master insists on talking out our problems a lot, which is a big help. Because if it were left to me, i'd do the unhealthy thing and just ignore it until i explode. Which just proves that Master is certainly wiser than me in some areas.

Lately, i've just been kind of a nervous wreck, to be honest. Between my anxieties and my fear of new people, all kinds of things have been pretty triggering lately. So much to the point where i just wanted to call it quits on life (not in a "i'm going to kill myself" kind of way, but more of a "i'm just going to go away from everyone" kind of way). Luckily, i have a Master who is caring and supportive and who, despite me thinking at the time how unfair it is that i have to do what he says just because that was our agreement, wouldn't let me just throw in the towel. i realize now it really was for the better and i'm glad he didn't let me get away with being bratty.

i guess what i'm trying to say is that we are able to resolve our problems with minimal hurt feelings at the end of the day. i just hope that, even though our relationship is still pretty new in the grand scheme of things, we can continue along in this manner.

Sunday, February 22, 2009


When this journey with Master first began, i was so sure it was going to result in a loss of "self." At the very least, i questioned it and wasn't sure if i wanted that or didn't want that. My personal identity had never had too much of an impact on those around me, or no real impact that i could tell, so it wasn't something that i really thought about too much. So, for the most part, it wasn't a truly big loss if i didn't have a sense of self.

But it obviously bothered some part of me, because the idea of losing it scared me. And i was so afraid that by consenting to be Master's pet, i was going to lose that last bit that made up me. i never let it deter me from what i wanted with Master and, really, i'm glad i didn't. Because being Master's pet has actually had a completely opposite effect than i had ever suspected. Instead of losing myself, i find that i'm actually discovering myself.

Being Master's pet is as much a part of me as anything else is, even moreso in the case of things like my anxieties. i don't think i could live a truly happy life without the knowledge that i'm a simple pet. i'm really quite pleased that all this has worked out so different than the way i thought it was going to.

Saturday, February 21, 2009


i don't understand people who feel the need to bully others into giving them their way, especially in a relationship. Relationships, whether romantic, friendly, or whatever, should all be built around trust and equality. Master and i are both equals, despite the fact that we have different roles to play in our relationship.

But when people have to bully their significant other into doing the things they want, it rubs me the wrong way, even though it's not my relationship. All i can think about is what the person being bullied is feeling. Maybe it's because i was bullied by so many people before Master came along. i don't think it's healthy at all for the relationship and, in the end, everyone is left with bitter feelings.

Friday, February 20, 2009


Today felt like such a good step in the right direction for myself. Maybe not necessarily as a submissive, but definitely as the whole package that makes up "Lilikka." i had my first meeting out of many to come with a counselor that's going to help me work through my PTSD. Eventually, i will be going through group sessions as well, but it's all one-on-one for the time being.

But really, i know that this is going to help enhance all areas of my life, particularly with my life with Master. Though he tries as much as he can to help me with my PTSD, i think learning from those who have experienced similar issues as i have is going to be just as much of a help. Master is quite supportive in all of this and that helps everything all that much more.

And although being Master's pet is certainly an unusual approach to it, i do find it to be very healing. Because of the abuse i suffered, i'm really quite unsure of how to act on my own. Master helps by deciding some of the things i do for the day, but also encourages me to be independent (as i tried to touch on in that failed entry earlier). i honestly do prefer to have someone direct my actions, but also know it's important to have independence, even as Master's pet.

Mostly, i'm just looking forward to healing. Because of all my issues, i feel i'm not able to devote as much of myself to Master as i would like and, hopefully, that will all change as i go through this next step. It's not going to be easy, but i know with the support of Master and other loved ones, i will be fine.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Fuck if this turned out like i wanted it

i am not a people-person. i don't like socializing. i don't like being around large crowds. i don't even like being around SMALL crowds. So it's very difficult for me to actually want to become close to someone.

Master was different. When we first met, i felt drawn to him. i can't explain the initial attraction, honestly. There was just something magnetic that drew me into him that i just couldn't resist. Even now, i can't really explain what it is. It could be his dominating presence, but i'm not attracted to most people who display that kind of presence.

i don't know. i can't explain anything and i'm starting to think this whole blog is just a waste of space. i don't feel as if i can really get everything out because my thoughts are always so scrambled and just. i don't know. Master wants to know my thoughts, but it's difficult because they're always so out of place and i don't even know why the reasons i do things.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009


Master encourages me to be independent in many ways. He likes it when i make up my own mind about what to do in my down time. He also encourages my desires and for me to vocalize those desires, even if i feel they might be stupid.

But really. i hate being independent. It goes hand-in-hand with making choices. i have a terrible time doing it and it puts me in such a terrible mental state that i just can't figure anything out. That's why this really seems disjointed right now. i feel as if it's all falling apart.

i know it's not good for me to be so dependent on everyone else, but i don't feel strong enough to stand on my own feet. i'm trying to learn, but it's difficult and just... i don't know.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Too much to do to rest

i passed out on Master last night. One moment, i was laying in bed watching Supernatural with him, the next, i was awake and it was the end of the episode. i felt absolutely horrible about that. Master says he understands it's because i have so much to do and that i get so exhausted, but i should be able to be there for Master when he needs me.

And, i fear, it's only going to get worse for a while. i've got appointments everyday this week, and that's certainly no excuse to not perform the tasks that Master sets out for me as well as be my mother's nurse and mother to my daughter. It just leaves so little time for me to actually do anything for myself, but i certainly am not complaining.

i can't even really concentrate too much on what to write here.

Monday, February 16, 2009


i often compare myself to other people, particularly in the physical department. i feel that i am lacking in a lot of ways: my breasts aren't as bit as i think i'd like them, my stomach is a bit pudgy, i've got cellulite on my ass. The list could go on. i'm sure there are a million other women out there who are far more attractive than me.

And don't get me started on my mental stability.

i know it's only human nature to compare oneself to an impossible ideal. i think that if every person thought that they were ideal, the human race would end up extinct. Humans need things to strive for, goals to be met. If every person were truly happy, then the world would simply end.

i know that it may not be the healthiest thing to compare myself to others, but it gives me something to work towards. i would like to model some day and, although i've not got quite the best body for it, i know that if i keep pushing myself further, i will eventually make it as far as i want to go.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

My Needs. My Wants.

i have been thinking of these lately. The things i need and the things i want. And i've come to the conclusion about one thing: i haven't been allowing myself to express or even acknowledge the things i need in life.

Of course, i don't mean things like water, shelter, and food. i'm talking about things that make me feel content and happy at my core being. And really, it's very important to, at the very least, recognize ones own needs and desires.

One of the needs i have that i never acknowledged before today is my need to be admired. i don't know why i have this need, but i feel it burning in my gut. If i don't feel admired by many, i feel moody and unhappy. And that's not to say that Master doesn't admire me. Just that i feel i need more eyes on me in a positive way.

Another need i have is to feel dominated. i cannot survive without having someone's guiding words, preferably Master's. This mostly goes hand-in-hand with me not being able to make choices well (as i talked about in an earlier post). But this is a need that is easily met.

i suppose that someday i shall have to create a complete list of all my needs and wants for Master to peruse. This is probably too public a place to put it, however.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Morning Reflections

Master asked me to take a bath this morning and to reflect upon some things. Since he's not around at the moment to tell him what i've come up with regarding my reflections, i'm going to write it out here and hope that this is what he intended.

One of the things Master asked me to reflect upon was what i've learned up to this point. And it's been a lot, but there are some things that really stuck out when i thought about it. The biggest lesson i've learned is that i am Master's property and, as such, all thoughts of self-harm should never be acted out upon. i wouldn't be harming my self, but rather Master's property. And it's really worked when i have those kinds of thoughts.

Another thing i've learned is that, though i may not always understand it, every little task Master asks of me, no matter how silly it might seem to someone outside, have a reason behind them. i don't really know what they all could be, but i know that he's always got a reason for asking me or telling me to do something.

The other thing Master asked i reflect upon is what i'd like to learn for the future. i would like to learn to better manage my life as Master's pet with my life as a mother. i often times feel like i'm lost somewhere between them. i don't know if i can be both at the same time, but i would certainly love to learn how.

i would also like to learn that, just because i submit to Master, doesn't mean i must submit to everyone. Part of the problems with my personality is that i strive to constantly please everyone i feel is superior to me (which, quite honestly, is most people). i would like to learn how to have a bit more of a backbone and to not just bend over backwards for everyone, just Master. That's not to say i can't do things for Master, just that i ought to be a bit more in control, for lack of a better term, of my service.

Friday, February 13, 2009


My emotions are a big part of who i am. i've often been accused of wearing my heart on my sleeve, and it's true. The problem is that i sometimes feel that my emotions are more in control of me than the other way around. When i'm in a bad mood, it tends to permeate everything i do. But the reverse is also true: when i'm in a good mood, everything around me brightens up.

But i've found that my emotions tend to play a big role on my lifestyle, especially when i'm down. i tend to throw myself into everything i do to an even greater degree when i'm upset. i sometimes use it as a bit of an escape from my crazed headspace. If i can concentrate better on the tasks Master has given me, it makes me feel good about myself and clears up my bad moods.

Take tonight, for example. i was feeling completely defeated over certain other aspects of my life. But Master, knowing exactly what to do, became a bit more commanding with me. The tone of his voice was sterner, but still loving. And it made me want to do my best and do everything he asked of me. And, because i did, i feel much better than i did before.

Thursday, February 12, 2009


Sometimes, i think Master is just too good to me. He excused one of my regular tasks for the day because of how exhausted and frustrated i am. i have been coming down with something or allergies and have just been wiped out. So instead of hearing me insist about it, he firmly told me to drop the task, blog, then just relax and enjoy myself.

It's kind of strange to think about it. i'm being told that i have to relax tonight instead of doing his tasks. But then relaxing, in and of itself, becomes a task. Not that that's necessarily a bad thing. i read a quote today that was something along the lines of "submission is about being of use, not about being used." And i know that, by relaxing, i really am being of use to Master, since, when i'm relaxed, i'm happier and calmer. And that, in turn, makes Master happy and calm.

Master knows a lot about things that i can't even begin to understand. i guess that's why i chose him as my Master, because i have so much to learn from him.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Types of Discipline

Master has asked me to write about the types of discipline i'd most like. This is kind of a difficult question because discipline isn't supposed to be liked. It's to correct a behavior that's not quite right, at least within the confines of our agreement. If one were to like being disciplined, it would truly destroy the point of being a submissive. If one cannot, or will not, correct their behavior to match what their Dom desires, then there's really no point to it.

This is, of course, assuming he meant "real" discipline and not just play discipline, which is another matter entirely. Play discipline wise, i'm a total pain slut. i don't feel like it's been a good scene unless there's bruises left behind. Bites in particular are nice, either on the thighs or shoulders especially. i've never been flogged, but it seems like an experience i would enjoy.

This really hasn't turned out at all like i was hoping and probably not at all like Master was expecting :S

Tuesday, February 10, 2009


i hate making choices. Maybe it's the fact that, once a choice has been made, the door closes on all the possibilities that will no longer happen because i didn't pick the other choice. i would hate to think that connection with people that i might have truly enjoyed would be severed because i made a choice years ago to wear blue socks on a day i was meant to wear pink.

Or maybe i'm just romanticizing the idea of it all. Maybe things just play out how they're supposed to, regardless of what i choose and i don't really have a choice at all. Either way, making choices is not one of my favorite things and i tend to put off making a choice until the last second. And then i usually end up regretting it, regardless of what i've chosen. It's very rare i'm happy with my choices.

i think that's why i chose to be Master's pet. Because he makes some choices for me (not all of them, for sure, but a good deal) and i don't have to stress over it anymore. But he does require that i make the important ones (and sometimes, the not-so-important ones) when i really need to. And i think that helps, because i know he'll back up my choice regardless of what i choose.

Monday, February 9, 2009


There are days when i am just completely and utterly exhausted. It's not even that Master makes me work too hard or anything like that. It's just that i end up doing so much and investing so much of myself into my tasks, given by Master or otherwise, that i just have no energy left by the end of the evening.

This is only really a problem because evenings are my time with Master. In our busy schedules, it's really the only time we have a chance to connect and spend any decent amount of time together. And i hate it that i'm so tired by the end of the night, all i want to do is crawl up in bed with a book and read until my eyes give out and i fall asleep.

Master deserves more of my time and it hurts me that i can't give more of myself to him.

Sunday, February 8, 2009


i hate having arguments with anyone, particularly Master. i realize that it's not always my place to speak out, but i do it anyway. The problem becomes that i can be a very opinionated person, particularly when i'm in my "crazy" headspace.

Thankfully, Master also values communication and won't let a matter rest until it's talked out and all the issues have been worked through. Which is good for us, as things could have gone pretty badly had we not.

i'm not sure what lesson there was to learn in all of this for me, though. Which is why i still feel so upset over it all. What happened was the direct cause of my mental issues and not just me being bratty. Maybe that's why i'm having such a hard time letting it all go.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

i've Made a Horrible Mistake

i just don't know what exactly i've done. Just that i've done something so terrible, everything seeks to punish me for whatever it is that i've done.

Over the past 18 hours, i've been a truly terrible pet for Master. Because of my attachment and abandonment issues, things got out of hand yesterday. Now i think i've lost him forever because of it. But, honestly, that might be for his best interests. Who needs a pet that's damaged?

For that matter, who needs anyone around that's damaged? Maybe it's just the selfishness in me, but i can't handle people around people who are dealing with their own mental problems. Maybe this is why i'm being punished, because i'm so intolerant about it, when i expect others to be tolerant and accepting of me and my situation.

Friday, February 6, 2009

Alone Again

Again, i find myself without Master for the night. i never know what to do with myself. Before he leaves for the evening, i feel as if i can handle it, only to find, in the middle of him being gone, that i can't. i don't know why this is. i suppose it can be traced back to all my attachment and abandonment issues. i know he's not really abandoning me, but i feel so lost and all alone without him.

Mostly, i hate feeling this way. i think it's shitty of me, and it's shittier of me to actually tell him. But we put honesty in our relationship above most other things, including, sometimes, the feelings of others. Even still, i'm not sure if i should write this here, because i know he'll read it and i don't want him feeling bad about something that's my issue.

Thursday, February 5, 2009


i don't like when my days are busy, especially with things that don't involve Master or tasks from Master. Today was just one of those days. i feel exhausted to the core and just uninterested in anything other than sleep tonight.

Thankfully, Master understands. But i really would have loved to curl up in bed with Master and read a book. Just relax. i haven't spent a lot of time in his presence today and it's starting to bother me.

i guess there's always dreams.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009


i often have a problem keeping my attention on things. Especially if those things are very repetitive. My mind wanders and i just... get bored, i suppose. Even writing in this blog becomes difficult to focus on if i can't find a topic i'm really interested in or if i'm just struggling to say what i'm trying to.

However, this is part of what Master has asked me to do. So i strive my best to do it. To me, that's the easiest way to maintain my focus on something. If it's something Master's asked me to do, unless i have a damn good reason (something beyond "i'm bored!"), i don't have a choice in it. At least, not really. That's part of the agreement between us.

It really is a help when it's Master asking me to do to something repetitive versus someone else doing it. i don't think i would be able to focus and even finish tasks like i can when it's Master asking me to do them.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Being Owned

The feeling of being owned by someone is unlike any other. It feels me with immense pride to know that someone loves me and wants me enough to have me as their property. It's really a very difficult thing to explain to someone who doesn't understand this lifestyle.

It's much different than simply being in a vanilla relationship with someone. Much deeper.

My brain is mush and this isn't coming out like i'd like it at all :S

Monday, February 2, 2009

Falling apart

Tonight was not good. In the slightest. Just glad Master's always here for me, regardless of my damaged mental state.

Sunday, February 1, 2009


Master is, by far, the most supportive individual i've ever met. Lately, i've been thinking of ways to improve myself for the sake of myself as well as Master. And every time i come up with something, he's always right there, telling me that he would like that. It's a wonderful feeling to know that someone supports the changes i'd like to make for myself.

Of course, i know i have a lot to improve. i am not as fit and trimmed as i once was and i would like to change that. Master doesn't make any demands about my weight or fitness levels, but i know it would improve things for us. Better fitness = more stamina, after all.

And then, there's my hidden, secret dream that i am very shy about admitting. Maybe because i'm sure others would laugh. But really, i would love to be a fetish model. i know that there's a least some people out there who don't mind looking at me. And, being the exhibitionist that i am, just the idea of someone taking pictures is a big turn-on for me. Particularly if i'm engaged in one of my fetishes of choice.

But Master just smiles and says that he knows i could do it. He doesn't laugh as others might. And that feels really good.