Friday, July 31, 2009

Going out

i love when Master and i can go out on adventures together. One that particularly stands out in my mind is the first time we went to Niagara Falls together. It was winter and the annual Festival of Lights was going on. The lights shone off the falls and there were some beautiful light displays all over as we walked around and looked at everything. Then the hot chocolate kiss in Tim Horton's as we stared out the window and watched all the other couples walk past.

Things like that truly make me happy to be alive! It's not often i feel that good about things. Today was a day in which my ego took quite a blow, which is why i'm going to bed early. Our daughter threw one of our digital cameras at my face today, leaving me with quite a knot on my head. Luckily, it's feeling better, though i'm still quite shaken up by the whole ordeal.

Either way, i'm going to go off to sleep with Master, hopefully with dreams of more adventures.

Bad dreams

i had a post typed up, but it seems to have disappeared into the ether.

i had a terrible dream last night. i don't even know why, as the issue the dream dealt with was resolved long ago. But i awoke feeling anxious and in physical pain.

i don't think i'll wake Master over this. After all, it was just a dream.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Sharing with the class

Today, i made a big step forward. i don't know if it's a good or bad thing at this point, but it's a step nonetheless. i shared one of my biggest fears with a group of strangers: the fact that i fear everyone i come in contact with is only looking for ways to stab me in the back. Sure, i've probably shared it with strangers on the internet, even through this blog, a few times. But it's completely different in person. Because they can really see me and they (somewhat) know me.

It really shook me up for most of the day afterwords. i'm really not used to sharing my feelings with people i hardly know. In fact, only Master and my mother know my true feelings most of the time, and even then, i'm pretty candid about what i share. i don't like when people think about me or worry about me.

So now i feel like i've got a whole group of women who are going to worry that i'm this fucking fragile flower that can't be talked to, for fear of me thinking i'm going to be stabbed in the back. Of course, no one might not even see it that way. But that's certainly the scenario that keeps playing in my head, over and over.

Really, i just wish the answers were there, right in front of me. i want to know if it was a good or bad thing that i shared. Because it's not feeling too good right about now.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009


Started playing it tonight. Got me thinking about something a friend used to joke with me about. How i was a prototype for the perfect woman. i like sex, i know when to shut up, i cook well, i play video games, and i truly enjoy submission. But, while these things are all true, i certainly don't see myself that way.

i just think that the world is a better place when there is diversity. If all women were as "cool" as me, then people would get bored with it. There is too much of a good thing, after all. And, really, being seen as a prototype for anything is a lot of pressure. More pressure than i'm willing to take upon myself.

Early Night

Last night was an early night for Master and i, which is why there wasn't a post.

Mom had another stroke yesterday. A minor one, but a stroke nonetheless. So i've been plenty stressed about all that. Will try and work out my stresses later on.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Ups and Downs

Today has been full of ups and downs. i woke feeling pretty good, but quickly sunk into a depression that lasted most of the day. i don't know why, either. So much for tracking my moods to figure things out.

Master tries so hard to bring me up, but there are just some things even he cannot accomplish. i don't like to admit that, either. i like to think that my Master is a super being, capable of just about anything. But i have to be realistic.

Either way, my mood is much improved, though i hope that there won't be any more of these up and down days.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

He still has power over me

My father, i mean. And it pisses me off. i work very hard to try and make sure that fuck is out of my life. But there are some things that he's done in the past that continually creep up on me.

Like when i can't find something, for example. It not only drives me crazy, but i really start having a panic attack creep up on me. This is because, when i was younger and would leave my possessions around the house, my father would take them and hide them and i'd be lucky if i ever saw them again. It's not only lead me to be very possessive, but also paranoid about losing things. Of course, i haven't spoken to him in half a decade, so i don't know why he continues to bother me like he does.

So i've got to work on purging him and his influences from my life. Master tries all he can, but there are just some things that it seems like i have to completely do on my own.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Tracking my moods

i've decided to start tracking my moods. i think it will help in the long run. It ought to help me be able to see how i can get off track and how i should be able to put myself all back together again, in an emotional sense.

Take this week, for example. The start of it was pretty rocky, due to getting things back to normal after mom's stroke. But tonight, i'm feeling on top of the world. Not only are things normal again, but Master and i have had a lot of fun time together lately.

So we'll see how all that goes as time goes on. Hopefully, it will only be something positive.

Thursday, July 23, 2009


i truly feel sorry for people with no passion in life. For too long, i lived like that, unable to find anything to truly spark any kind of real interest within me. i followed along with other peoples' passions: music, fashion, art, etc. And, while i enjoy all of those things, they don't quite make me feel as good as when i'm in service to Master.

i am passionate about service. Even when Master doesn't require it, i get to fulfill my passion by helping my daughter and my mother. And, although i end up helping them more than Master most times, i really don't mind it in the long run.

Of course, sex is another passion of mine. i'm good at it. i enjoy it a lot. Everything about it. The feeling, the smell, the sounds (especially the sounds). It's all so exciting to me. i would actually like to start blogging more about it, but part of me is timid. Which is funny to me, because of how open i am with my sex life, for the most part.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

This is why i trust no one

It doesn't matter how close to someone i think i am, i can never trust anyone. Ever. Well, except Master. He's never done anything to stab me in the back. And i know he never will. That's the trust we have between us. But i can't trust anyone else.

What generally happens is that something i say in confidence or because i trust that person to never use it against me inevitably gets told to everyone, or is used against me to make me some kind of pariah. And really, it makes me wonder why i ever stop lying at all. Why do i tell people any kind of truth about me?

i guess because it's lonely always being in a web of lies, keeping everyone at a safe distance. But, for the time, i think it's probably worth it. At least until the day when the back stabbing just stops hurting so much.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009


Lately, life seems to feel a bit in a slump. Perhaps it's just the laziness of summer that's hitting; it tends to happen to me pretty much every summer as far back as i can remember. There's something about the heat that makes me completely lethargic. But that's why i tend to set bigger goals for myself during the summer, so i at least have something to work towards.

Unfortunately, one of my two goals seems to have fallen by the wayside. There just isn't too much motivation to work on it. It's been kind of a secret project that no one outside of Master really knows much about it, so it's hard to gauge how public reaction to it will be. And, when it comes to my own endeavors, Master is pretty laid back when it comes to pushing me forward. Not that i mind; there are things that i do have to do for myself.

So perhaps, starting tomorrow, i'll pull myself away from my gaming goal and work on my creating goal. It's already kind of started, but i need to pull things in a bit more, create a bit more of a story surrounding the whole project.

Monday, July 20, 2009

The lies we tell

i was reading in a community earlier about what to do if a Dom/me discovers that their sub has lied to them. And i thought and thought about it, but really, i don't know what an appropriate response would be. Do you just break off the relationship over a lie? Or is it the Dom's responsibility to correct the misbehavior of the sub?

i would really hope that, if i ever did lie to Master, he would help to correct the behavior instead of wanting to separate. Not that he's someone i'd ever lie to. While i might be a deceiver and manipulative towards certain people, Master is not anyone i would ever use those kinds of things against. i respect him too much to do that to.

Though, there are times that i wish i didn't treat people in that manner at all, regardless of how much or how little respect i might have for them. However, i think i use it as a safety net, so i don't get so hurt by people as i have in the past by being far too trusting. As of right now, i feel the only person in this world i can trust wholly is Master.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

i beat Lost Odyssey tonight and it got me to thinking about the concepts of eternity and always being with your one. It seems like such a wondrous thing, but perhaps that's only because life is so finite. If we didn't have to fear that our lives would come to an end, we wouldn't embrace every day for everything it's worth. And if you're not embracing it, then maybe you're not really living.

i know for certain i wasn't until i met Master. Sure, i was with my ex when i met him, but there are things that even mortals can't comprehend, and i truly believe that Master and i were meant to be. Which is why it happened the way it did. If it weren't meant to be, Master and i would just never have entered into each other's lives. And although it may not last forever, i hope that it does, for i will always cherish my time with him.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

200 posts

i'm so surprised i managed to get this far. It just goes to show how dedicated i can be to someone else's desires. i do like to blog, but even when i feel there isn't anything for me to say, Master still likes to read what i've put down here. And that really amazes me, because most of what i have to say is awfully silly or banal.

my goal for the next 100 posts is to hopefully jump back into my service to Master. It's been a bit lax as of late, but for good reason. But now that things feel as if they're getting back together, perhaps it's again time to truly devote myself to him.

Friday, July 17, 2009

From Submissive Journal Prompts

Our Dominants teach us so much about ourselves. What is something you’ve taught your Dominant?

i'm really not sure what i've taught Master, truthfully. To me, he's always been the epitome of wisdom and intelligence. Not to say that he isn't fallible; Master makes mistakes, just as anyone else does. But he always strives to learn what he can from those mistakes and moves on quickly.

i would like to think that i've taught him a bit more about himself, simply by virtue that we're so much alike, and maybe he can see another side of himself by looking through my eyes. As i'm growing and becoming my fully wonderful succubus self, i think Master is coming more in touch with his own incubus side. And it's a wonderful chance for the two of us to continue to grow and evolve together.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Playing roles

We all have our roles to play in life. But what irks me more than anything is when someone plays at being something that they know little to nothing about. A supposed "Dom" i was talking to today is like that. He didn't know what safe, sane and consensual meant, and his whole stance was he "wants to get inside a girl's head before he gets into her pants." That disgusts me more than i can say. If i personally knew the girl he was trying to get to sub for him, i would warn her of his thoughts, but since i don't know who she is, there's not much i can do other than continue to warn people who are new to all of this to really do some research before jumping in.

Along the same thought of playing roles, i've decided that i am going to try my best to be my succubus side as much as possible. Even if it's just play acting at the time, it will eventually become second nature. Or, as i once read in a book, i'll fake it 'til i make it. i truly think that's the best way for me to advance with both my submission and embracing my succubus side.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009


Mom came home today. It was bittersweet. i'm so glad that she's doing well and home, but i feel like there's still so much stress on my shoulders and that i really can't handle it. It could be because i'm totally exhausted or that i just feel entitled to a bit of "off time," but i really don't feel i've earned the right to feel this way.

So, while mom is home, i feel like i'm still not, in a sense. i'm still not really ME. i guess when i restart up my therapy on Monday, i might be able to delve further into all of this. But for the weekend, i think i'm going to just concentrate on surviving.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Inequality is my biggest pet peeve

i cannot stand inequality, regardless of how small the infraction might be. Perhaps it's because of the fact that, since i was born, i was treated differently because i'm biologically female. i was looked upon by my father as if i were a lesser being because i was female. Of course, this isn't true, but it didn't stop him from treating me that way.

But i really cannot stand it when i see inequality in action. And it makes me upset to see people with such a cavalier attitude towards it. Perhaps they've never had to fight for their equality, to prove that they were just as good as everyone else. If that's the case, then they're fortunate in some areas, but definitely missing out in others. i often think i would like to have not known what all that fighting was about, but i know that it's helped shape me into the person i am right now. And, after all this soul searching, i wouldn't change that for anything.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Today was a strange day. i woke with the feeling that i had just had the biggest fight of my life, as if i were torn between my two main sides. That's what had happened in the dream i had, at any rate.

What i would really love is a combining of these sides. i know i can't be the succubus all the time, but there's got to be a way that i can combine her strengths with that of my "normal" self. i want to be in harmony with myself. i'm getting closer, certainly, but i'm nowhere near there yet.

i don't know what it will take to unite my mind and soul. That's how i look at it; my mind is that of a human, but my soul is that of a succubus. But because i perceive them as being so different, i just can't understand how they can possibly coexist within me without the fights.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

i'm determined to blog earlier in the evenings, when i can think quite a bit more.

Another day, another struggle with my submissive side. i don't know if it's because of mom's condition or if it's because it's been so long since i've been in a submissive headspace and i've just fallen out of practice, but it's so hard to get myself feeling like that again. i did it the other night when i was able to orgasm, but it was only for a short while and it disappeared by morning.

i haven't really brought this up to Master yet. i know i need to, but i didn't realize how much of a problem it's become until i sat down to write this. But i really need to find ways to bring that back into my life. i'm just not sure how to do this.

Saturday, July 11, 2009


i've started developing an ego. i think this is a healthy thing. It means that i'm starting to move past my poor self-esteem stage and into something better. i attribute a lot of that to Master, as he's constantly showing me just how good of a person i can be. But i also have to put the blame on myself, as well, since without being able to see how good of a person i am, i could never believe it in the first place.

The only thing i worry about is a runaway ego, now that i've started finding mine. Just today, i was going to start a conversation up with someone online, when they logged off right after i sent the message. And the only thing i thought was "oh well, that person missed out on the best conversation of their life, because they won't be able to talk to me."

Does this sound too egotistical? Or is this a natural thing to think? i'm not sure, as i've never really had this much self-esteem in my life.

Friday, July 10, 2009

The succubus is back

i had my first orgasm since mom's stroke yesterday. Ever since then, things have been wonderful and, for the most part, peaceful. Honestly, i'm really quite a terrible person when i'm not having regular orgasms. It's just in my nature as a succubus, i suppose.

My writings have been pretty short lately. i've been kind of putting these writings off until i'm right about to go to bed. i need to start writing sooner.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

i'm saddened by my lack of "me" time. Between the extra chores that i have to attend to and running after the little one, i have no time for doing things that i want to do solely for myself. This sounds extremely selfish and i can't believe i'm crying over this, but it's starting to take it's toll on me.

Without "me" time, i start feeling lost and just... i don't know. i can't even think.


i need to get back into a routine around here. i didn't blog OR take my medication last night, even though i have them on a daily to-do list. i can't even take care of chores and tasks in a timely manner.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

By the wayside again

With mom being in the hospital, it feels like my submissive side has been moved to the back burner yet again. It irritates me to no end. Just when i'm finally in a good head space to deal with it, and all this happens.

Not that i really blame anyone. Mom certainly didn't wish to have a stroke, and i can't think of a single sane person that would wish it upon her. But it's just something that happened and i've got to find a way of dealing with it.

Monday, July 6, 2009

i didn't realize until today how strong i could be emotionally. i saw mom in the hospital for the first time since the stroke. And, although i wanted to, i didn't cry over the situation. Even when they told us that it could be months before mom is home. That's a scary prospect for me. But i have to do something about it, i can't just sit here and let everything pass me by.

So if that happens, i'm formulating plans for what i'll do for transportation and child care and all that. It's a long road ahead, but i think i'm strong enough to walk it.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Mom's doing alright. She's certainly not dead, which is a very good thing. She can move her left arm, but not her hand, and the left side of her face is less droopy. Unfortunately, she's still unable to move her left leg. Hopefully, it'll be alright by tomorrow. She's quick to recover. But, if not, the hospital isn't too far away and we could always visit her.

Master has been beyond kind throughout all this. i blamed myself for much of it; mom and i had been fighting a lot these past few days, and she's had strokes twice before, so all the agitation was starting to get to her. But Master helped me through the day without me feeling too badly about myself.

But really, i don't know how to feel for all this. i mean, i could have lost my mom today and i really was more upset that it was my fault than i was for losing her. Somewhere in my mind, i just think she's going to be around forever. Of course, that's not reality and i have to face up to it, but it's difficult.
Mom had a stroke. She's at the hospital. That's all the information I have right now.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Happy Birthday, Master

i'm sorry our evening wasn't as awesome as it could have been, Master. But i'm very glad to have been able to spend all this time with you. You are my world and my everything and i don't know what i'd do if i didn't have you in my life.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Anger Issues

This is the first thing i'd like to work on with Master, now that i'm back into a more submissive mind-set. Today, my anger got the best of me. And although Master feels that my regret was punishment enough, i wish there was something more i could do to make it up and really learn from it all.

i do have coping mechanisms in place for when i feel my anger rising. It's when it comes on suddenly, without warning, that i don't know what to do. When i'm in a crazed state, i can't think calmly and rationally enough to use my coping skills.

The good news about all of this is that, despite feeling like a terrible person for letting my anger get the best of me again, i do still feel like i'm a good person deep down. The self-esteem that would normally be shattered by something like this isn't this time. And it just amazes me to no end. i really hope that i can continue on this path and continue to be the best pet i can for Master, and the best me i can be for myself.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Half a year

It's been six months since i started blogging here, and it's been an interesting journey. The wonderful part is, i feel, the best is yet to come. i'm coming into my own, both as Master's pet and as my own person. i feel empowered and like i don't have to bow down to everyone just because i am a submissive (because i'm not your submissive, unless you are Master).

So i'd really like this to be a new kind of turning point. i do well with anniversaries as a kind of sign to point me in new directions. What i'd really like to concentrate on, at least for the time being, is furthering my submission. Now that i've progressed with discovery of self, i think it's time to dive back in.

Thank you all for being with me on my journey thus far. Here's to at least another six months!