Thursday, April 30, 2009

Glad i didn't let it get me down

Master and i were able to have quite a bit of fun tonight, so i'm truly glad i didn't give in to my negative thinkings. He even got me to try something quite a bit interesting tonight. i had to keep my silver egg in on high while watching Supernatural. Although i don't scare easily, this episode was particularly gory, so it was an interesting mixture of arousal and trepidation. i suppose it's also hitting close to home because we seem to have a mischievous spirit in the house.

Master has promised more fun later tonight, which i'm looking forward to <3

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

What in the world?

i got a strange email today. It was a confirmation for a subscription to a porn site. The only problem was, neither Master nor i ever actually subscribed to it. The email was addressed to someone named Daniel. i don't know anyone named Daniel. This is truly puzzling to me because i have no idea who it is and why would this person buy me a subscription to a porn site?

The problem is, i get really paranoid when things like this happen with no explanation. How did this person get my email address? i mean, i don't exactly hide it, but i don't advertise it, either. Plus, i don't know a Daniel. It just gets so... puzzling.

Master and others have suggested it's some kind of admirer. But if that's the case, why a subscription to a porn site? It's not exactly something i would send to someone i admire. And besides, i'm happily collared and, while flattered, am not interested in a relationship more than a friendship outside of what i have with Master.

If anyone has any ideas, please let me know. i'm just puzzled by all this.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Trying to put a positive spin on things

i'm not doing well right now. Not just physically, but mentally. i'm having really bad performance issues and i find myself wondering if it's like when a guy can't get it up. i mean, a succubus that gets nauseated at the thought of sex? What is that?

Master keeps insisting it's not "defective," so i'm trying to change the way i think about it. But honestly, my mind keeps coming back to that word. There's not much i'm good at, and having sex is one of the few things on that list. So if i can't do that, then what is there for me?

i guess it's just something else i'm going to have to meditate on. Might as well do that since it looks like i won't be getting off tonight. Again.

Monday, April 27, 2009

i feel like a walking cliché

i feel so unlovable. Not unlikeable, as i'm sure there are plenty of people out there who like me. But the people who love me, even as a friend? Really, i feel as if it's just Master. And maybe i should appreciate that, because there are people in this world who don't even feel the same deep love as i have with Master. But the problem is that i have so much love to give and it really feels so unfair that i don't get it in return, even when giving it.

i love my friends, each and every one of them. i would do anything for them, as long as it doesn't go against Master's desires. Even people who i used to be friends with, there's still an amount of affection there. i don't wish them ill, just happiness in the future. But i don't feel the same in return.

i know loving a demon isn't something that's an easy thing. At all. But is it really that difficult? i can completely love and dedicate myself to Master, and he's as much of a demon as i am. We're two sides of the same coin. But maybe that's why i can love him so easily.

i think i'm really just looking for acceptance. i don't feel it from a lot of people, even places where it should come from. Like my mother. She accepts that i am Master's pet, but she doesn't understand it at all. Nor does she understand my desire to model. And i think that's the hardest thing of all to deal with. i'm glad she accepts, but i just want an understanding, even if it's a partial understanding.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Sick again

i seem to be getting sick a lot lately. Not quite sure why. But i feel extremely nauseated and just... bleh. Master and i haven't quite finished our nightly Supernatural viewing (last episode of season 3 about to start), but i'm not sure how much further past it i'll be able to go. Generally, he likes to play a bit before going to bed.

i don't like to complain, especially about Master's desires. But i really am not sure if i'm up for it tonight. And that feels like such a weakness admitting that. i hate admitting my weaknesses. Especially when it comes to my servitude to Master. But i have to in this case. i'm just not sure how Master will react.

But until then, i'm going to cuddle up and finish this episode until Master tells me to do otherwise.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Master takes the pain away

Today wasn't an easy day for me. It hasn't been an easy month, really. But i truly treasure my time with Master at the end of the day. Even when i'm at my lowest, he knows how to pick me back up.

Lately, Master has been trying out different forms of degradation with me. He's taken to calling me either "cunt" or "slut." i have to say, it's quite a turn on, really. i don't mind having him tell me of my place and making me feel it. i mean, i'm sure to a regular person, these kinds of things would be grave insults, but coming from him, it's better than being called any silly pet name.

i would love to see what would happen if he were to call me that in public. i imagine the looks on the faces in the crowd would be quite humorous to me.

Friday, April 24, 2009


i have an innate desire to please Master. If he's not pleased with my work, i end up feeling really upset with myself. It's not very often, if ever that i can think of, but i have a driving need to please Master to the best of my abilities.

On the same note, i desire to obey his orders to the best of my ability. Unfortunately, because of the situation with my mother and daughter, i can't always do that, so i feel more pain from that than anything else. i want to be his complete and utter pet and have him command me down to my every action. But having a young child in the house and a disabled mother that i must care for doesn't make it very easy.

Perhaps someday after my mother has passes and our daughter is grown, we can live the life together as Master and pet that we desire. But for now, we have to do it when and where we can.

Thursday, April 23, 2009


i think i surprise people with just how masochistic i can be. When i first spoke to my friends of my desire to train with nipple clamps, they all gave me their "warning talk." About how bad it can hurt and how someone as delicate as me could go through it. And just... no. i'm not as delicate as people think. i can take a lot of damage and still beg for more.

i know my limits in a lot of ways, but i've always felt that part of the fun of limits is finding them, and then bending them to see just how far they can be pushed. So i really hope that, as time goes on, my limits now will seem so... tame compared to my limits in the future.

Now it's time for bed.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Mission accomplished

Last night was just one of those nights. My mother got me in a funk and Master couldn't do anything to get it out of me. i hate that i get that way.

On a positive note, i wrote that essay Master wanted about my beliefs and faith. He enjoyed it. Still on the fence about sharing it with the world, though. It seems more like a bad fiction than a belief system, but it's mine and i embrace it. i just hope that, if i do choose to share it, others will accept that, to me, these beliefs are real. i don't ask anyone to understand them, just acceptance in what i believe.

It feels good to have gotten a serious task done for Master. Sure, i do my everyday tasks, but nothing has been assigned to me that had this importance to it before. i'm glad i was able to accomplish it before too long. i was really inspired by one of the women in my group today. So i got home and just wrote. It's honestly shorter than i hoped, but it's done. The first piece of real writing i've done in a long while that wasn't a blog entry.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

i probably screwed up again. i seem to do it a lot, looking back at all these entries.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Thinking too much

i've been thinking too much. i hate when i get like this, because then i feel as if i can't accomplish anything. i end up obsessing over the ideas in my head and i just... i can't understand. i can't even sort them out long enough to write them out to properly deal with them. Everything is so jumbled together and it's just... i dunno.

i can't even concentrate enough on this post to post something that actually makes sense.

Sunday, April 19, 2009


It's a concept i've been meditating on lately. What is home? It's never felt like a place to me. Life was rough growing up. We moved a lot, so i never really had a house to identify home as. But then i look at Master, who has lived in the same house most (if not all) of his life. The same town. The same people. i wonder what that kind of life would be like.

So if home isn't a place, where is it? To me, it sometimes is this feeling i get, from far away. Not a physical far away, but a spiritual far away. i miss it, but i can go there sometimes, when i calm my mind and ignore the external world. Master's presence helps me arrive there faster, and he's even "there" in spirit.

Then i think about my "home" on the internet. Some place that i can really call my own. This blog is a place for it, but at times, i feel as if i want something more. Maybe after a time, when i'm able to get my own domain and have enough people who will actually read. But i would really like a place to call my own. i'm comfortable enough in my identity as lilikka that i'm ready to take it to a bigger place.

It's things to think about and continue to meditate on. It's exciting and wonderful all at the same time.

Saturday, April 18, 2009


i'm not sure i've mentioned it before, but i've got an aspiration to model. Nothing like runway or anything big like that. Just fetish modeling. i've got a great body for a BBW. Plus, i like to be in front of the camera. It turns me on and i just have a lot of fun getting my picture taken.

It turns out that i've had previous experience with modeling. When i was a child, i was in the JC Penney catalogue for two years in a row. i had never known that before today, when i brought up my aspirations to my mother. She was surprisingly cool about it, but then again, my mother usually is.

But at the mention of myself as a child, Master has me pulling out old photos to show him. He had never really seen any before this. i had even shown him my terribly ugly pictures, which i am truly embarrassed about. Luckily, i do have a few cute ones, which is the image to the left up there. i was probably about 2 or 3. About the time i started modeling. It's interesting to see how i've come full circle.

Friday, April 17, 2009

i am not YOUR property

i am my Master's property. That's how i see myself. But this does not give every random person the right to think he can try and make a move on me. It disgusts me and makes me feel unclean. Master, of course, doesn't put up with it, but when i'm away from Master's physical presence (as we're always together in a spiritual sense), it's difficult to know what to do.

i don't understand why people think that, just because i submit to Master, that i'm a walking doormat or something. Luckily, i know not all people are like that (like the nice gentleman at the store today who complimented me on my child's good manners!), but the few who are certainly ruin it for everyone.

But other than this, things are going much better than yesterday. Master and i spoke and he helped me through my feelings and we were able to connect on a more spiritual level again. i've yet to finish my writings on my beliefs for him, although he's stated no time limit on it. i will try and get it done this weekend, if at all possible.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

i wish i could forever stay connected to my good feelings. Because once i lose them, it takes so much effort to gain them back. It's so ridiculous.

The day wasn't all terribly bad, but this evening has been hell. i'm so disconnected from my "self" that i don't know what i even feel.

i can't even really be a pet for Master tonight. He's more worried than angry, though i think he probably ought to be angry at me for getting like this.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009


Master and i spoke at length about our personal beliefs today. It seems as if my journey through my servitude only binds me closer with my own faith and beliefs. i don't know if it's because this is very much a way of life for me, or if it's because Master is so understanding and accepting of my personal beliefs.

He's asked me to formally write out what i believe, as far as the soul, the world, and a master plan for it all could mean. i shall do that, but i'm not sure yet if i will make it available for the public. i know that i'm coming to grips with the fact that it could be seen as a pretty insane belief, but it's truth to me. The last thing i need is ridicule for something i'm just starting to feel sane for believing in.

i honestly never expected my journey to lead me down a path of spirituality, but i'm certainly glad it has. It's helped answer so many of my own questions about myself and helped me feel more alive and like i fit better inside my own skin.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Not quite what i was hoping for, honestly

i've been telling myself for weeks that i wasn't going to let this day affect me. But it has and it still is and all i want is to be left alone to deal with my thoughts and feelings. Of course, Master is the exception to this, as i don't mind his presence, though i feel as if my bad mood is getting in his way.

But i just feel so ridiculous. Yesterday was the anniversary of my sister's death and today is the anniversary of my first marriage, which ended in rape and abuse and is generally not something i like to be reminded of. And i can't help but feel that it's all my fault and i deserve this and my sister should have been the one to survive, not me.

i've tried talking to people about this. No one really seems to understand, though. Even Master, in some ways. i know that i can learn from my mistakes and that should mean i shouldn't regret past choices, but still, it's my fault that the bad things happened. And no one really gets that. Everyone always tells me that i will just get over it in time or i'll be able to work on it, but i'm not sure. No one even mourns my sister anymore. We weren't allowed to even talk about her while i was growing up. And it kills me because she could have been so much more than i am now.

And as for my ex. i just feel marrying him was the stupidest thing i could have done. i got nothing out of the marriage that i couldn't have gotten elsewhere. And i still have so much more hanging over my head over all this. i'm just angry at the way he ended up treating me. i feel like a fool the more i think about it.

Luckily, there's only a few more hours before Master will want me in bed and i can just forget this day for another year.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Mental drain

i've felt so... drained lately. Just absolutely worn out. Between allergies and dealing with the shit that's going down tomorrow, i feel terrible.

i also feel like most of the people i've met, even friends, have only wanted me around to use me for some reason or another. It makes me feel really rather worthless, honestly.

Going to end this shortly since Master wants me in bed.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Hard of hearing

i've got a hearing loss in both of my ears, causing it to be difficult to hear at times. Lately, it's been worse than normal, causing me to not be able to hear when Master makes a request of me. And that bothers me, because i always want to be able to hear Master and am embarrassed when i must ask him to repeat what he's said.

What's terrible is that i'm so young to have hearing problems, and they're only going to get worse as i get older. i'm terrified of the day when i will be fully deaf and won't be able to hear the subtle tones in Master's voice. i don't know what i'm going to do when that day arrives.

But mostly, i don't know a proper way to ask Master to repeat himself. i can lip read, but only if i'm looking at the person. Over the phone, obviously that's not possible. So when Master is giving me orders and i can't see him, it's a problem for me and i can't hear, but saying "huh?" or "will You please repeat that?" seem to be incredibly rude. i just don't know what to do and don't know anyone else in a similar situation to ask help from.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Working myself to the bone

i've been working hard for Master all day. The work hasn't been very difficult or even very demanding, just constant. It's been a bit... different for me. It's not that i don't enjoy it, quite the opposite, really. It's just that i never really threw myself wholeheartedly into doing a single thing all day long.

Master has actually ordered me to stop much sooner than the goal i was trying to reach. Which is conflicting to me. i really want to push through, but Master doesn't want my health to be affected by it. And i can understand that. i had a fever earlier for some reason and i don't know why. i let it ride by itself for about an hour before taking anything for it, but still had to take medicine eventually.

So even though i'd rather keep going, i've got a few more to do before i must stop. It's funny how i'm normally so stubborn except when it comes to Master.

Friday, April 10, 2009

100th Post

i'm amazed i've made it this far. Especially because i was so scared that it all was going to end tonight.

Master gave me the option to ask to be relieved of being his pet. i... didn't know what to say. i mean, it was my fault that he gave me the option. i was not listening to him and was reverting back to my old ways. But the fact that he gave me that option scared me so much that i couldn't stop crying. Even after i told Master i don't know what i'd be without being his pet. Even after showing Master how fully committed to being his pet i am. Even when he called me beautiful, i cried.

The thought of being with Master but him not being Master... makes me sad. i don't know how else to put it. i can't describe it at all. i would still love him as Rei, but the whole relationship means so much more when he's Master. And he honestly is right when he said that the new me only wants to obey his commands. That is all i want for myself and i often need his guidance to bring that back to me.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

i've been so out of sorts lately. Feeling like i'm just in the way. And like i can't do anything right. i feel like doing nothing but hiding away from everyone again. i know it's not healthy, but i don't know what else to do when things get like this. i feel like i just cause more trouble than i'm worth being around.

i don't know if this means my depression is back or my meds aren't working or what. But after being physically ill, now i feel emotionally ill and i just want to cry.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Was having a wonderful night until nausea set in. Should have blogged before this.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

i think i need a mentor

Mostly because i think i just need the voice of someone experienced in submission to help me through some of the rough patches i've been going through lately. The only problem is finding someone that would be willing to help me with this as well as actually finding someone to even talk to.

i can keep my focus on serving Master if he reminds me, but it feels like such an embarrassment when he has to do that. It ought to be my job to keep my focus, not his. He says i'm still learning and that i now need to learn that it's ok to not be perfect, but it's hard to undo years and years of the opposite.

i just don't know. Things have been so rough for me lately, both emotionally and physically. My allergies have been really getting to me and this is just... a terrible month for me. i really hate April. i don't know what i'm going to do next week. i hope it doesn't hit me as hard as it did last year.

Monday, April 6, 2009


i've been sick for quite a while now. Don't know what's wrong. Can't sleep well at night. Ready to pass out. i've been terribly grumpy with Master and i don't even know how to stop. i'm just in a foul mood.

Sunday, April 5, 2009


Today was a lazy day. Master and i basically just lounged around and played video games and slept. We didn't really do much of anything, but that's ok. i'm not used to having these allergies and they're kicking my ass :(

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Master and i discovered that i can squirt tonight. It's always been something i've wanted to do, but i've heard many conflicting stories about it: you're either born with it or you're not, you can learn it but some women can't, or every woman can learn it if they put their minds to it. Either way, i can do it. And it was awfully, awfully hot. Even though it meant changing all of the bedding when we were done playing.

But really, it was the strangest sensation but not something i would ever deny in the future. It was pretty amazing and was one of the headiest orgasms i've ever had. My head is still swimming a bit while i type this out, though i suspect that might be also due to the allergy medicine.

i want to keep learning all kinds of new things with Master. i can't believe the person i've become under his command. It's really a wonderful thing and hope that i can keep training.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Not myself

i didn't feel like myself at ALL tonight. i don't know why. Maybe it's the allergy medicine? it's been causing me to be sleepy and out of it pretty much all of the day. i hate this feeling and hope to find something that doesn't cause this immense drowsiness while at the same time clears up the symptoms.

And i worry because it causes me to not be able to perform the best of my abilities for Master. Even after we had an amazing talk last night (and amazing play), i feel like i've really let him down today with how badly my allergies are getting to me. i hope to make it up tomorrow.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Bite me, bruise me, call me a slut

i've been thinking about being completely humiliated in public lately. Thoughts of Master leading me around in skimpy clothes on a leash while ordering me around in public haunt my thoughts. It's really rather a yummy fantasy.

i can't explain why the thought of Master doing these kinds of things turns me on so much. But it's like opening a floodgate just thinking of it. There really is not too many things better than squirming while glowing a bright red due to humiliation. My face is burning just thinking about all the naughty things Master could call me in public.

My biggest worry is that Master doesn't find it nearly as hot as i do. He's such a polite person, that i can't see him degrading anyone, let alone his beloved pet. And even though he'd mean the words out of love and respect, i worry that it's not a natural thing to him and that maybe i'd be forcing an issue he'd rather not deal with. Hopefully this blog will help me start a dialogue on all that tonight before both of us get too tired.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009


This was something i was just thinking about before i started blogging tonight. i wanted to blog about how much i love degradation and when Master calls me his dirty little slut, but that might have to wait. Karma's a concept i really believe in wholeheartedly. If one does bad things, bad things will eventually happen. Likewise, if one does good things, good things will eventually happen.

Unfortunately for us, we can't choose when it happens. But it would be amazing if we could. i mean, it'd be like saving points up in a bank and when we've gotten enough Karma Points, we could trade them in for a Fabulous Prize (i'm voting for sex toys, but that's just me).

But i think i've been able to cash in on some points lately. Sure, it's nothing as awesome as getting a sex toy out of the deal, but i'm becoming more comfortable in my own skin. And that's probably worth more than a new vibrator. Probably.