Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Not quite what i was hoping for, honestly

i've been telling myself for weeks that i wasn't going to let this day affect me. But it has and it still is and all i want is to be left alone to deal with my thoughts and feelings. Of course, Master is the exception to this, as i don't mind his presence, though i feel as if my bad mood is getting in his way.

But i just feel so ridiculous. Yesterday was the anniversary of my sister's death and today is the anniversary of my first marriage, which ended in rape and abuse and is generally not something i like to be reminded of. And i can't help but feel that it's all my fault and i deserve this and my sister should have been the one to survive, not me.

i've tried talking to people about this. No one really seems to understand, though. Even Master, in some ways. i know that i can learn from my mistakes and that should mean i shouldn't regret past choices, but still, it's my fault that the bad things happened. And no one really gets that. Everyone always tells me that i will just get over it in time or i'll be able to work on it, but i'm not sure. No one even mourns my sister anymore. We weren't allowed to even talk about her while i was growing up. And it kills me because she could have been so much more than i am now.

And as for my ex. i just feel marrying him was the stupidest thing i could have done. i got nothing out of the marriage that i couldn't have gotten elsewhere. And i still have so much more hanging over my head over all this. i'm just angry at the way he ended up treating me. i feel like a fool the more i think about it.

Luckily, there's only a few more hours before Master will want me in bed and i can just forget this day for another year.

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