Friday, October 30, 2009

Today has been wonderful in every sense of the word. We went out to the mall today to do some shopping. Master spoiled me completely, which i felt badly for, but as he said, "I haven't spoiled you for a year, let me do it for today." So, of course, i didn't complain and just enjoyed.

But it truly makes me happy at how much of a family we are, Master, the imp and i. And i even got to show Master how well i've been working on my service skills during dinner and how i was able to get the food and drinks to everyone without missing a beat. i think he was impressed. Or, at least, i hope he was.

i just want to continue soaking up all this wonderful time with Master, because i know it will be over all too soon...

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Today has been one of the better days in recent memory. Master arrived at about 11 and we got back to the house for lunch. He informed me that formal training will begin tomorrow, so we were able to relax in each other's company. And relax we did.

Honestly, waiting a year for sex, while not an enjoyable year, made sex the first time in a year the most memorable. It was like everything was new all over again, though i still retained all the experience i've gleaned over the years. The way he felt inside of me again felt as if everything was exactly as it should be. As ridiculous as it is to admit, i teared up when he entered me.

But i am excited that tomorrow is the start of my training. It's one thing that i've been waiting for. But i trust Master to get me there at the time he feels is best.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

My formal training begins tomorrow and i'm so excited that i can't contain myself. Unfortunately, it feels like my ear infection is back in full force. At least i'm not the one supposed to be flying this time, since i would end up grounded. As it is, i just feel like crawling into bed right now, hoping that tomorrow arrives faster. But at the same time, i really want to spend as much time with Master as I can before curfew.

i'm so curious as to how things are going to work between the two of us. As it is, this is going to be one of the most interesting times of my life yet to come. i can't wait!

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

This month isn't a great month for my PMDD. i've found myself getting overwhelmed with the littlest provocation. And i'm not really sure why, other than it's just the crazy hormone problems that come along with PMDD.

Even with as bad as this is, it's still not going to get as bad as back in August. i will not be making a return trip to that hospital, even if it means i have to work harder to find ways to make things work. i can't end up back there.

And, although i wouldn't allow it yesterday, i will admit today that i'm awfully proud of myself for what i didn't do yesterday. Though every instinct told me to do something to hurt myself, i resisted it. i haven't been able to do that since i started self injuring over 10 years ago. That's a big step and i have to keep moving forward.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Meditation Monday

i'm trying something slightly different today. My brain wasn't thinking well at first, so i'm had Master help me answer the first few questions. He provided the main answer, while i worked at expanding on them.

Today, i have served Master by
willingly submitting to Master in my times of weakness and trusting in his ability to help me. Right now, i'm in the middle of being overwhelmed by PMDD, often blowing things out of proportion. i don't often admit when i need help, even to Master, but tonight i did. To Master, this shows a commitment to my goal of complete submission and to him as my Master.

Tomorrow, i can further serve Master by expressing myself more openly and discussing my goals and desires in my submission to Master so we can reach the potential i have and the desires i thirst for. This is going to be a bit difficult for me, because i'm not used to opening up, but if it will help me serve Master, i certainly will do my best.

One thing that can help with my servitude is trusting in my abilities, instincts, desires and my True Self, as well as revealing my True Self to Master. i often have a bad habit of hiding away, even from myself, so i would be able to serve Master better if i stopped hiding and just trusted my True Self.

my goal in serving Master is to continue to fully trust myself. By Master placing trust in me, it shows me that i am worthy of that trust and i will eventually learn to trust myself. This is probably the hardest lesson of all i've had to learn, not just in my submission to Master, but in my life in general.

Through my service, i hope to learn how to appreciate things better. Tonight, i did something that i was proud of, but there was a part of me that wouldn't allow myself to appreciate that, so the moment felt spoiled and i no longer wished to even acknowledge what i had done. This is self destructive and unhealthy and i wish to change it because, not only will it help me, it will help Master as well.

A moment in my life that lead to my servitude was the first time i had discovered consensual submission/slavery. i don't know why, but i never imagined such a thing was possible, but it truly appealed to me in a way few things ever have. It was like discovering that part of me that had felt empty was now filled with ideas and yearnings that i finally understood.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

i started cleaning today, though it's not finished. But even if Master arrives and the room is in the shape it's in, it's enough for us to live with. It doesn't have to be sparkling, which is good because i still don't feel well enough to really do much of anything.

i'm reminded a lot of when i was younger and how badly i was affected by ear infections. My body is not very good at fighting them off, nor are my ears equipped like a normal person's. My Eustachian tubes are misshapen, so that fluid behind the ear drum doesn't drain properly, continuing the ear infection for many weeks past when it ought to have been cleared up.

Perhaps i'm thinking too much. This is, after all, only the second day i've been on medication. But i keep thinking about how i've had a single ear infection last for months, even up to a year, and i'm paranoid that this might not heal the way it should.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Feeling a bit better today. Even still, Master gave me a pass on most of my tasks for today, though i'm still trying very hard to get it done.

The time is getting closer to when Master arrives. He's starting to get anxious, and i just don't know how to help him feel better. He says that it's normal and it happens every time, but it's a bit reassuring to know that he's nervous about being here with me as i am being with him. It shows me how much he cares that he's nervous to be around me.

Friday, October 23, 2009

So i do, indeed have an ear infection. It's been difficult trying to complete tasks while i've been sick, but i got them done. Of course, it helps that Master hasn't pushed me hard yet. But i'm sure that will change a bit when he comes out here and we work on things together. We've never really worked through what's truly expected of each other in our dynamic. i know that's a bit silly to not have done until now, but everything has been at a distance. Now that we're getting closer to being physically together all the time, it's time to really sit down and hash things out.

i'm not going to lie; i'm a bit nervous about it all. i worry that i'm going to let Master down. i know i've said this far too many times, but it's a big fear for me. i really don't want him to feel let down by me. But i'm sure all this will be worked out before too long.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

i haven't felt very submissive lately. It's not that i don't do what Master has asked or completed my tasks, but it doesn't feel like it's actually useful in any way. Master insists that it's to help me learn, so all i can do is trust him and believe that it is useful.

Maybe it's because i suspect i have an ear infection and i don't feel up to my best. It's strange, but it seems like i only feel truly submissive when i'm at 100%. i just don't get it.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

i feel so out of energy lately. Nothing has gotten done, at least not to the level i would like it to be. What's worse is that i believe i'm coming down with an ear infection. i haven't had one in years, but i don't have hearing in my left ear right now. i just hope that there's a way that Master can still communicate with me if i ever lose my hearing completely.

That's a big concern of mine, especially since i've known since i was young that i would probably lose my hearing before i get to 40. i've contemplated learning American Sign Language, but i feel a bit intimidated. i'm already fluent in two spoken languages and i don't know how difficult it would be for me to learn another, non-verbal language. i can finger spell, but that feels so childish.

Master and i are definitely going to have a lot to discuss this trip.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Meditation Monday Tuesday

So i forgot yesterday was Monday, so my meditation had to wait until today. i hope that this doesn't disrupt things too much.

Today, i have served Master by
remembering tasks that i forgot to complete, in addition to working on my daily assigned tasks. And, even though Master is not upset by my forgetting about my special Monday posts, he still expects one to be done, which is why i'm doing it now. My blog posts offer insight into my mind that Master enjoys.

Tomorrow, i can further serve Master by continuing to prepare for his trip here. The house is mostly clean, with just our room the final area that truly needs a lot of work. It shouldn't take too much more than a few hours, but it's something that still needs to be done. i have nearly a week to complete this task, but tomorrow is as good as any other day to finish.

One thing that can help with my servitude is remembering that i only serve one Master. One of the problems i've had growing up is that i would always defer to everyone, even if i didn't necessarily respect them. Part of what i've discovered about my service to Master is that real pleasure only comes from serving someone whom i respect.

my goal in serving Master is to continue to improve myself, both as Master's pet and as a person in general. Serving Master has made me a stronger person in body, mind and soul, and it's something that i wish to continue to improve upon.

Through my service, i hope to learn to be who i truly wish to be. i've let so many other people define me that i lost who i really was. But now, it's almost like i have a clean slate to start over. So through my service, i hope that i develop into the woman i know i am inside.

A moment in my life that lead to my servitude was realizing that i was naturally a submissive person. i was once asked if i could ever switch or even be a Domme, but the thought makes me very uncomfortable. i'm not one to take charge, at least not in that capacity. It makes me uncomfortable and it doesn't feel right.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Only 10 days until Master arrives. i feel really shitty because i kind of snapped at him earlier when he was trying to be comforting. It's just that when i'm in a bad mood, the last thing i need is to have someone try and love me. Even after all this time, i'm not used to affection, not really. i suppose i'm getting there, but i'm not really there yet.

i don't know what i can do to make myself realize that it's ok to be loved. It's just kind of a hangup that i have. Hopefully it's something that i can work through.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

There are many times when i'm very insecure. Today was one of those. An old friend has been talking with an ex-friend of mine and i'm just very nervous as to one might say to the other about me. i truly don't want to lose another friend over all this, but Master said something that makes sense. That friend is a good person and, if he's as close to me as i thought we were, there's nothing that someone else can say to him that would change his opinion about me.

i'm not sure why i get so hung up on things. i guess it's because people tend to think of me as kind of a slut and, those who don't, are the only real friends i have. i might like sex, but i'm certainly no slut, despite the way i might talk at times. i'm just very secure in my sexuality. But it would kill me for him to think of me as a slut, because that's just not what i am.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

i was actually social today! i honestly couldn't believe it. i went to a tea party that my aunt's quilting guild put on. Unfortunately, i was extremely bored with how vanilla the whole affair was. But what does one expect from a bunch of old ladies?

But it made me thing that i would love to attend a kinky tea party. It would really be all kinds of fun, and i've proven to myself that i'm doing a lot better in social situations. i wouldn't have to be afraid of being myself, as i was kind of on edge from that a bit at today's event. After all, i wouldn't want to shock these ladies into a heart attack!
Master is so kind to me. Even though i had the flu and couldn't finish my tasks, he understood and told me how he feels my health is more important. That means so much to me, as no one else in my life has ever felt my health was an important factor in anything.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

i am having an off day today. i just don't feel like myself. In fact, i probably would rather be anyone else BUT myself right now. i didn't do one of the tasks Master asks of me daily. And, at this rate, it looks like i won't be getting it done at all. i don't really have an excuse as to why i haven't done it, i just haven't. i haven't told Master yet, either, so i don't know how he's going to react. i do expect to be punished. After all, i was supposed to take care of that for Master and i just didn't do it.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Tomorrow marks two weeks before Master arrives. i don't know if i can wait that long. The anxiety has passed and now all that's here is the excitement at how nice it will be to be in his physical company again. While we're always together spiritually, it's very rare that we get to be physical, so it's something that is really quite wonderful when it happens.

And, unlike the past few times, i don't have to abstain from orgasms for the next two weeks, because it's been a whole year since we were together. Generally, Master has me abstain because he wants to make sure that i'm properly worked up by the time he gets here. But seeing as i haven't had sex for a year, which is quite a long time for someone like me, he knows just how worked up i'm likely to be anyway ;)

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Today was almost like one giant panic attack in the making. i'm not sure what it was: the weather, the fact that my hearing has been getting worse, Master's upcoming visit. All of it is kind of keeping me on edge.

The strangest part is that i don't know why Master's visit has got me so edgy. i love him and it's been an entire year since i've been with him, so why wouldn't i be more excited? Well, i am excited, but i'm also really, really nervous. i have a feeling that i'm going to let him down in a terrible way.

But, even with all the stress, i didn't have an actual panic attack. So i have to give myself credit in that respect, at least. i am getting better with my handling of stress and anxiety. So there's that.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Meditation Monday

Today, i have served Master by pushing through and finishing my tasks, despite feeling depressed. Motivation is not an easy thing to come by when i don't feel 100% up to everything, but Master's approval is always something i can get the energy up to strive for.

Tomorrow, i can further serve Master by keeping an eye on my emotions and checking for signs of further depression. Then, i can talk to Master about it, instead of holding it all in and just hoping that it goes away. It doesn't do Master or myself any good to keep the depression held in and it can only serve to cause a rift between us.

One thing that can help with my servitude is reminding myself that, by serving Master, i am, in a sense, serving myself. This is the life i chose and i am happy with it. By complaining internally about things that i "don't feel like" doing, it doesn't get the task done, nor does anything i truly want get accomplished. In the end, by following through with the tasks Master sets for me, i end up happier and feel more fulfilled than if i go "off course."

my goal in serving Master is to ensure that we work as a team, within the constraints of our dynamic. Though he is Master and i am pet, we are of equal worth. My service to him is not only beneficial to him, but to myself, just as his guiding hand is beneficial to me as well as Master.

Through my service, i hope to learn how better to cherish myself. This is something that i don't do hardly ever, if at all. Master deserves a pet that is full of confidence and love for herself. After all, Master would not have chosen me as his pet if i was of no value to him. And if he sees value in me, then something must be there to be cherished.

A moment in my life that lead to my servitude was when i was still married to my ex-husband. All i wanted was for a pair of hands and words to guide me, though i didn't know to what extent. When he refused, i felt lost and afraid. It wasn't until after i found my way to Master and had someone to guide me that i realized that this is what i had been missing in my life all this time.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

The time draws closer to when Master arrives. i'm both excited and anxious. The excitement part is obvious, but the anxiety is probably less so. Sure, i'm a naturally anxious person, but this goes beyond my normal anxiety. i think it's probably because, the last time we were together, we were still really negotiating what it would mean for him to be Master and me to be pet. Now that we're through that part, my training truly begins and i'm not really sure what is going to be expected of me. Mostly, i'm just afraid of failing to live up to Master's expectations.

Honestly, though, i don't have any clue what he's going to be training me in. The prospect of being trained is very exciting, though. i want to be able to be molded into the perfect pet for Master; to be able to serve him in every capacity that he desires. i really just hope i don't mess it all up. i do expect to make mistakes, naturally. But i just hope they're not such horrible mistakes that i can't bounce back from them. That's one of my biggest fears.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

We've decided to push the imp's bedtime back, so Master and i actually will be having less time alone in the evenings. In one way, it's kind of terrible, because i really enjoy my time with Master, so much so that i'd be willing to put up with the imp being up all night playing because i put her to bed. But that wouldn't be fair to any of us, really.

Being a mother is almost as demanding as being Master's pet. Not that Master truly makes that many demands of me, but motherhood comes far more naturally to me in a lot of ways. But it's easier for me to guide and see our daughter grow than it is to see myself grow, if that makes any sense at all. By serving Master, i, myself, am growing as a person, but it's strange not being the one guiding it, instead giving all that over to Master. But, i suppose, that's all part of why i'm Master's pet.

Friday, October 9, 2009

i don't know where i'd be without Master's constant support. i only hope that i provide to him as much as he always seems to provide to me.

Today we found out that my mother has a bad heart. From what it appears, she's got four blocked arteries, which is strange because she's never had a problem with her cholesterol, but she does have high blood pressure. There's a 5% chance that they could be wrong, but more likely than not, she's going to need an angioplasty. And, if that doesn't work, she'll need a bypass.

i'm still unsure how i feel about all of this. It's just so new and overwhelming that i can't feel it yet. But it's coming, i know it is. And when it does, i'm going to be so scared. Hopefully all that will wait for the next 20 days, so i will physically be in Master's presence and it will make it seem less terrible.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Is love a part of your dynamic? Can love coexist in a Master/slave relationship?

Love is most definitely a part of the dynamic between Master and i. i don't think i could ever truly serve a Master or Mistress that i didn't love, even if only love as a Master/Mistress. Without that, i think, there isn't much of a relationship. But then again, i believe all relationships are based on varying degrees of love, even if it's the opposite of love, as in the case of enemies.

i'm a difficult demon to tame, honestly, and i've never found anyone that i could really serve besides Master. Sure, i used to, and in many ways still do, drop what i'm doing to help others, but this is less about service and more about my own desires. i like to help and i'm happy to do so. But i help others because it makes me feel good. i serve Master because that is my role.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Thank you everyone for all the positive comments to my last post! It's truly amazing how well received that was, considering how nervous i was of posting! But the love stayed with me all day. Even when things seemed pretty stressful, i was able to keep moving because i realized how awesome i am (and gorgeous to boot ;D)

Of course, sometimes i think that all the compliments will give me a big ego. It's part of the reason why i always seemed to tear myself down; i wanted to give the appearance of being modest. And, i suppose, in a lot of ways, i AM modest. i downplay my skills a lot, but mostly because i don't think that, outside of service to Master, i have that many skills. And even then, i think my service is always in need of improvements.

But, again, i really want to thank you all for the love <3

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Hot Fat Girl Revolution

i was completely inspired by this blog post by Lilly and decided to take a plunge and post a picture of myself. i'm only just becoming comfortable with myself, so it's a bit scary to be posting a picture here, but i want to show the world that i feel i am beautiful, despite being plus sized. It wasn't easy and i'm still really nervous and thinking about deleting this post, but i've already promised Master, so i will post it.

i never take nudes, for the most part. i've taken some for Master and i've put up some of just my breasts. And i especially never show off how wide my hips are, but i decided that this was the best way to fully embrace this was to show it off. Besides, this is the body of a woman who had a child, you seriously can't expect it to be model thin (not that i ever was).

Weight is something i've actually struggled with my whole life. As an adult, the lightest i've been is 185lbs. Right now, i'm at 210, but i still think i'm gorgeous. As much as i dislike showing them off, i truly love the curve of my hips (particularly when paired with a cute pair of jeans and a t-shirt, my usual casual wear).

And if you don't like it, you can sod off and go fine someone else's boobs to stare at.

By Zoe Whittal
BECAUSE being a hot fat girl is a lot of work and is undervalued or unrecognized. Because a fat girl still has to pay more money for uglier clothes or spend 11 hours at the thrift store to find anything hot to wear. Because if you take the elevator people think you’re lazy but if you’re on the treadmill people laugh. Because men like John Goodman and Bernie Mac get to have careers on television but sitcom moms of three still have size-two waists. Because even feminist magazines publish fat-phobic articles under the guise of it being a “health issue.” Because anti-capitalist activists still use expressions like “fat capitalist pig.” Because girls are dieting at the age of nine. Because side effects of the most popular diet drugs are seizures, heart failure, fecal urgency, breast cancer, lung disease, insomnia, nausea and vomiting, dangerously high blood pressure, abnormal heartbeat, psychosis, strokes, hallucinations and sudden death. Because the Cooper Institute’s ongoing study of 30,000 people has found that those who are fittest live the longest, no matter what they weigh. Because the doctor who said that there were 30,000 “obesity-related” deaths each year received over $2 million in research funding from Jenny Craig and Weight Watchers. Because that study prompted the FDA to approve Phen-Phen and Redux. Because fat hatred is a money-making industry. Because fat people who exercise live longer than thin people who don’t. Because if you lose weight ’cause you’re sick people tell you how great you look. Because hatred is so ingrained in every single one of us, especially inside the heart of even the hottest fat girl. Because even the most progressive people don’t talk or write about it. Because I am tired of being ignored, invisible, de-sexualized and told that I have such a pretty face. Because it’s not fat that kills, it’s fear of fat. For all that and more I am a part of the HOT FAT GIRL REVOLUTION!

Monday, October 5, 2009

Introducing Meditation Monday

In an effort to concentrate this blog further on my service for Master, i am going to be starting a continual feature: Meditation Monday. Every week, i'll be answering the same questions, as a way of concentrating and reminding myself of my place as Master's pet. i am hoping that this will help shape my servitude as well as the focus of this blog.

Today, i have served Master by performing and finishing my tasks. Even though there aren't many tasks Master asks of me, i always try my best to see them through to their ending.

Tomorrow, i can further serve Master by performing and finishing my tasks in a more efficient manner. i allowed far too many things distract me today and, although Master isn't displeased because the tasks were still finished, i could better serve him by being more efficient.

The one thing that can help with my servitude is more reminders that i am Master's first and foremost. While i never truly forget, i sometimes allow myself to agree to do things for others or i allow my attention to be given to others when Master is needing it.

my goal in serving Master is to make his life even just a bit easier with my service to him and to be the best pet that i can possibly be for him.

Through my service, i hope to learn to better myself as well as be the best pet to Master that i can possibly be. He is a deserving Master and he has helped me in many cases to better myself already, but i would certainlylike to continue the journey of betterment.

A moment in my life that lead to my servitude was when Master first commanded me to do something, even before we were Master and pet. There was something so authoritative to his choice of words and it made me realize just how much i wanted to submit and serve this man.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Other than Master, i don't think people truly understand how i see the world. Whenever it is that i share my visions of it with someone else (and this is a rare occurrence), i'm always met with disappointment. People just don't understand and they try to tell me that the way i see things is wrong or misguided. Is it so wrong to have a different viewpoint than others? And is it too much to ask to at least have someone accept that i see things that way?

In fact, i can't even get most people to tolerate it, which is why i never bother bringing up anything to anyone. In one way or another, i'm always shot down and it feels like not only is this person rejecting my ideas, but they're rejecting me as well. That's kind of a kick in the ass.

But, in all this, at least Master understands and, even if he doesn't agree 100% with everything, he accepts that those are my feelings and doesn't try to force his own changes upon me. He will, however, influence me, especially in more positive directions if i happen to be being quite negative about myself. But he still accepts my feelings for what they are: mine.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Have you felt illness or other factors (depression, stress, PMS, etc) interfere with your ability to serve as well as you want? How do you handle those times?

Yes, many times. In addition to being diagnosed with depression, i also have PTSD and PMDD, and both play havoc in my service to Master. Lately, my PMDD is really acting up and i've been quite distant from Master all day. It's so strange, it seems to get this way right before we see each other. i suppose it's just because we know we'll be seeing each other soon?

i have difficulty handling things when my mental illnesses get in the way of my service. i start to take things out on myself, often culminating in me harming myself or just saying negative things to myself. i've been trying to stop that lately, but it's not always easy. And, really, i'm very nervous as to what things will be like once Master is here.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Master will be here in 27 days. i know i often give the impression that we're together full-time, but it's just not like that yet, unfortunately. It's just easier to ignore the distance if i don't address it as much. But his plane ticket was purchased this morning and he'll be here for Halloween, which is our holiday. So much so, that we've decided that, whenever it is that we do get married, that's the day we're getting married on.

i suppose it's because of our other natures that we feel so close to that side of things. We both embrace our demonic sides, though not necessarily in truly evil ways. i'd say we're more mischievous and sinful than truly evil. We enjoy corrupting others with lust, but not so much that it would ever hurt anyone and it's never malicious.

my brain feels so scrambled tonight.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Sometime soon, Master and i are going out to dinner together. He's requested that i wear my collar (of course!) as well as a semi-revealing dress. i'm very excited, because this will be our first time out in public as Master and pet! Not that we've never been out on dates or to dinner before, just that it was always pretty... casual? That's not quite the word i'd like to use, but i can't think of a better one at the moment.

But, as i said, i'm very excited about this. i can just imagine the kinds of looks i'll be getting and i wonder if Master will order for me and take charge, or if it will be my responsibility to make sure he's taken care of. i suppose that's something that we'll need to talk about! We've never really had a discussion regarding proper public protocol, seeing as we've never done anything in public!

i'm so giddy over this, though. Unfortunately, i can't discuss this with too many friends, because i don't have a lot that will understand the lifestyle.

i wonder if Master will humiliate me in public. i can almost feel the flush across my cheeks now! Aah! So exciting!