Saturday, January 31, 2009

My Way of Service

Master and i were discussing his way of Dominating after i had shared one of my favorite videos with him this morning. It stars Steve Holmes, who i simply adore for the way he Dominates the submissives in any of the videos he's in. Part of what draws me to him, however, is that he's quite similar in style to Master.

Well, all that has me thinking about my way of service towards Master. As it stands, i'm still learning, so he doesn't require a ton of things from me (though i would often wish he'd ask me for more, but that's another topic). But whatever he asks of me, i'm more than happy to accomplish and work towards immediately, barring things that we've discussed beforehand.

i would like to think i'm in training to be a good pet for Master. One that he can rely on to take care of everything he requires of me. One that he can trust to carry out his word.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Another Mistress?

Although i'm not polyamorous, i think i would really enjoy having Bianca Beauchamp as a Mistress in addition to Master. This is all theoretical, of course. In reality, it just wouldn't work out.

But really, she's just so gorgeous that i can't take my eyes off of her whenever i see pictures or videos of her. And it doesn't help that Master (who is also quite enamored by her) had a wonderful dream about her today that he shared with me.

It would certainly be interesting, that's for sure.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

And This Is Why i Serve Him

Yesterday was not a good day for me. i was emotionally torn down as well and mentally exhausted. But still, Master stood by my side and never gave up on me, despite pretty much giving up on myself. i would never physically harm myself because i am Master's property and i would not harm any of this property, but i certainly wanted something terrible to happen to me.

Yet and still, Master would repeat how much he needed me. i think it finally sunk in sometime as i was finally drifting off to sleep. So when i woke this morning, i realized that i do serve him because he needs me to. While he is an adult and can do things on his own, i know i make his life easier by doing things so he doesn't have to.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009


i've been feeling increasingly jealous today. Mostly i think it's because, outside of Master, i have no real friends that i physically hang out with. Even online, i'm becoming more and more isolated. i know this is not something Master wants for me, but i just don't know what else to do about it.

Next weekend, Master will be at a party with his friends and i'll be home alone again. i want him to be able to go and have a good time, but sometimes i just wish i could be the one invited to go out and do things, too.

As it is, i seem to have lost another friend today. i don't know why, either. i suppose it's because we haven't spoken in forever. And while that is a failing on my part, it's also a failing on the other party because they have also made no effort to speak to me lately.

i keep thinking that maybe it's because i have found a path for my life that truly fits me and makes me happy. That's the only explanation i can find that would help me understand why i'm losing friends at such an alarming rate. Why can't people just accept others for what they are and what they desire to be?

Tuesday, January 27, 2009


Master and i went through a bit of nostalgia today. Apparently, he's known of me much longer than i knew him, though we didn't discover that until today. It's interesting to think about how all this would have played out had we actually spoken almost 10 years ago.

At that time, i wasn't awakened to my more kinkier sides. i had gone through a breakup with my first boyfriend and was thinking i'd never meet anyone who could love me for me. Of course, if Master had only spoken to me then, maybe i wouldn't have married my first husband. It's a strange thought.

But really, the way that things have turned out, i wouldn't change it at all. i'm so happy and proud being Master's pet as it is.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Submitting to Master

i have to admit that, at least in my mind, my submission to Master started as a joke. He asked if i would be his pet and do what he asked. i agreed, though it was before i really knew what it would all entail. Like i said, i thought it was kind of a joke between two friends who were enamored with each other. i was in a relationship at the time (which ended before Master and i got serious) and was unsatisfied with the way the person i was with treated me, so i thought that at least, even in jest, someone would treat me the way i always desired to be treated.

But while it started out as a joke, i came to realize that Master was someone that i could truly submit to. He cares for my well-being while at the same time gives me the discipline and structure that i need to function. He has more than earned my respect as well as my submission to him.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Natural Submissive

After thinking on this some time, i believe i'm a natural submissive. My personality type, according to the Briggs-Myers typology, is INFJ. i'm naturally concerned about the feelings of others and i'm dedicated to the relationships that i end up in.

In addition to that, i never had to be taught how to enjoy serving others over my personal desires. No matter what it is, i would much rather drop what i'm doing to serve Master in any capacity than to put it off until i'm finished with what i'm doing.

i'm not saying that it makes me better than anyone. i would never make that claim. i'm just saying that i feel as if i were always drawn to being a submissive person.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

The More i Learn, The Less i Know

As i said before, i have been learning a lot more about this lifestyle and myself in general. And it's really a wonderful thing for me. It feels like such a life-long journey and i'm excited i get to travel along this path with Master.

i reached an epiphany this morning with him, actually. It was a clear moment when i realized that, no matter what i think i might want to do, the only thing that really makes me feel the best is serving Master in every capacity i'm capable of. Even if it means giving up time that could be spent doing other things that aren't really important. i would much rather give up those things than not serve Master.

And it was in that moment that i realized just how bratty i've been lately. It's amazing how a simple thought, a simple desire, can change things.

Friday, January 23, 2009


i realized today that as much as i've learned about this lifestyle in the past year and a half of living it, i have a lot more to learn. And i suppose that's only natural. Looking back on it, i suppose it's really silly to have thought i knew more than i did. After all, there's only so much one can learn in a year.

When i learn something new, i get this moment of euphoria almost. It's almost like a mental orgasm in a lot of ways. i have a passion for learning and a deep-seated need to learn new things. Master is good at teaching me as well. He's very understanding and patient with me.

i've been thinking that maybe it'd be nice to have a submissive mentor of some sort. Lately, i've subscribed to an RSS feed of helpful articles for submissives. i feel as if it's really helping me learn even more so as to better serve Master. And really, that's what it all boils down to for me: serving Master in the best capacity i can every way around.

Thursday, January 22, 2009


i feel like i'm full of nothing but horrible baggage. Not only does Master have my mental issues to deal with (and they're no small feat, what with PTSD, social anxiety and depression, it's probably enough to make someone sane stay far away), but i also have my mother and daughter. My daughter is not his daughter by blood, although i know he cares for her as if she were. But even still, i can't help but feel that it's something... not unwelcome, but just unneeded, maybe? And i probably shouldn't get started with my mother.

i don't know. Master claims it's not all baggage. But i certainly think that it is.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Connections Pt. 2

i was going to write about something else, but i just cannot think of what it was because i didn't write it down. So i'm going to continue what i was talking about last night.

As i was saying, i've found that, since Master and i have embraced this lifestyle fully and wholly, we have become far more connected in mind and spirit. Oftentimes, one or the other will be able to, at the very least, sense what's going on with the other. If i'm having a bad day, Master knows without me saying a word.

i do believe that this is due, at least in part, to what it is that we do. With Master, there's a lot of non-verbal communication going on. When he's displeased with something or i'm doing something that he's not 100% happy with, it's easily corrected with a glance. So much so that even when i can't see him, i know when i've done something i shouldn't have.

That's not to say that we don't communicate verbally. There's a lot of that going on. But for us to just be able to know what's going on without anything being said, that's a deeper connection than i've ever experienced in my life.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Connections Pt. 1

i've noticed that since becoming Master's pet, we've been more in sync with each other. There are times when he can complete my sentences. And other times, i'll start singing a song out of nowhere and he'll actually be listening to it. It feels interesting to have a mental connection on that level with someone.

i don't know whether it's our living of this lifestyle that's brought us closer or if it's just what would naturally have happened between us because of who each of us are. It's an interesting thing to think about.

Unfortunately, my brain is fried for tonight, so i can't really expound on the idea. Maybe that can be saved for the morning.

Monday, January 19, 2009


As much as most would like to avoid it, it's a necessary evil in this lifestyle. Of course, not all discipline need be physical punishments and, i believe, no one should feel truly happy that discipline must be applied. Because, after all, it speaks towards a failing as both Dominant and submissive. It's a failing on the Dominant's behalf because they hadn't "trained" (for lack of a better word) their submissive properly. And it's a failing for the submissive because they didn't properly follow what their Dominant had asked of them.

A good Dominant should not seek to punish for that reason. In a way, it's like a parent; they don't want to discipline their children, but for the sake of learning and behaving, it's necessary. Likewise, a submissive should not seek to be disciplined. There's a big difference between just being a brat and mouthing off a bit, which can be playful in the right set of circumstances, and completely disregarding what a Dominant has asked of their submissive.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Pet's Day Out

So in a kind of reversal of the other night, it was my turn to spend some time out of the house and away from Master. January is a busy month for birthdays for my family, with three generations of us (my grandma, my mother and myself) all having birthdays within 10 days of each other. It's just easier to have one party for all three of us, so that's where i was going today.

It was strange being among my family. i have never really fit in among them, especially in my adult life. There's no acceptance of my submission among them (those that know about it, anyway), so there's that barrier. Also, because Master isn't physically here where i'm living at the moment, he wasn't able to be with me to bear the brunt of the un-pleasantries.

Honestly, i dislike spending a significant time away from Master, whatever the form of that time away may take. Especially being among people who don't appreciate me for myself. It makes me wonder for a world that is so tolerant towards non-consensual violence and pain, yet looks down on people who willingly embrace a darker side of relationships.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

The Real Lilikka

i don't often show her to anyone, even Master. Occasionally, she'll come out to play (as she did last night when Master returned from his night out), but it's pretty rare. i think mostly that i'm afraid of how she appears to others. Which is really quite silly, honestly. But there it is.

Master has been working with me to help me bring her out slowly. He wants to experience more of her, as i do. she's the real fun one, the one who takes risks and who isn't afraid to walk into a room and eye fuck every single person in there.

At the same time, i'm scared that other people will look at me and think that i'm a slut for letting myself out in that fashion. i worry because at times, i believe others already have a poor opinion of me and i certainly don't want to do anything else to prove them right. It's such a confusing issue for me.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Pet's Night In

Master and i are together most of the time. If he's home and i'm home, we're more than likely talking or playing games or reading together. So it's very rare when he goes out for the night. But when he does, it's always a different experience for me. Oftentimes, i don't know what to do with myself. i usually just sit around awaiting his return.

But i also know that that is not what Master would want out of me. So the last few times when he goes out (which isn't really too often, really. i believe this is the first time in a few months), i've been trying to think of things for me to do. Usually it involves things that i feel guilty doing while Master is around. Things like playing 1 player games or reading a book or watching a film.

Honestly, though, it's strange being away from him. Not strange in a bad way, just strange in that it's different. Which can be a good thing. But it still feels so strange.

Thursday, January 15, 2009


i think, at heart, i could be a polyamorous type person. However, i could never be in a polyamorous arrangement because i'm far too jealous and it would break down all sides of the relationship. But sometimes, i really do entertain the thought of Master taking on another submissive. Somewhat "lower" in status than myself, but a submissive nonetheless. And even if things romantically went sour between us, i would hope Master would still keep me on as his pet.

i really don't know how that would work out in reality, but it sounds good on paper (or on a screen, in this case). At the very least, it's an interesting notion to entertain. Although i've never really thought about the reverse of me having two Dominants. i guess it just wouldn't work out that way. it doesn't seem right to me, actually.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

"My Kink Is Better Than Yours"

This morning, while reading over some threads on a site i visit often, i thought about some old friends i used to have. They were nice people and i would still like to be friends, but our different views on kink and healthy relationships have torn down the friendship and we don't really talk anymore.

Basically, what i think it all boiled down to was a case of "my kink is better than your kink." i say this because these particular friends are into swinging. And that, for some reason, is "healthier" than BDSM. Personally, i feel that both types of kinks can be healthy as long as all parties in the relationship are happy with it.

But that's not how he felt about it (she's another story). i can understand that he's a friend and cares for me, especially since he knew about the failures of my previous relationship (which wasn't BDSM flavored) and the abuse i suffered. But what i don't think that he realizes is that Master isn't the kind of person to ever abuse anyone, let alone someone he loves and cares for.

So in the end, it came down to him saying that BDSM encourages the abuse of women, but swinging is ok because all parties are happy in the arrangement. i guess it's really just a matter of ignorance on the subject on his part. Either way, it's a bit silly to try and claim one kink is better or worse than another.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Secret Relationship

sometimes i feel like being in a bdsm-style relationship is something that i can't share with the general public. after all, it's certainly far from the norm. most people don't have contracts set up and agree ahead of time what the limits are and who's "in charge" of the relationship. i think mostly, people don't understand how it can be a completely healthy experience living in a relationship like this, which causes them to fear it.

now, i'm open with my mother about what kind of relationship i have. but she often times buys into the social stigmas that persist towards this lifestyle. she knows i'm masochistic, but she thinks any kind of pain, regardless of who is administering it, is pleasurable to me. that's just not true; only pain administered in love and affection feels good. the rest is just pain the same way a "normal" person feels pain.

and if someone such as my mother can't even understand the basics of it all, how would people who don't know me as well handle it? not very well, i'd wager. i'm not so worried about strangers, as i'm open on this blog and use my real picture. no, i'm more worried about what those who have known me for a long time would think about all of this. the last time i told someone, they said i was setting myself up to be abused again. so i feel as if i have to keep the details of my relationship secret from friends, but public to strangers. that seems so backwards to me.

Monday, January 12, 2009


i wear a lot of masks. there's my mother mask, when i'm taking care of my daughter. then there's my caretaker mask, when i'm doing my job as my mother's caretaker. then, of course, there's my everyday "i'm just like everyone else" mask. that one gets worn the most. i don't think i ever am without that one except with Master.

but, truly, everyone is this way. or so i believe. everyone has their own way of looking at things and their own way of showing others how to perceive them. i know i don't like people to see me as the nymphomaniac submissive succubus that i see myself as. i don't think most people could handle that point of view of me.

Master, however, isn't like most people. he is the only one i've ever showed my true self to and he embraces it. it gives me hope that, maybe some day, i will be able to show others my true self and have it be as well recepted as it is with him.

Sunday, January 11, 2009


i am not ever truly happy in life unless i'm serving Master. service to others is nice, too, but nothing beats being able to serve Master in all the ways it's required and requested of me. days in which there is nothing for me to do for him make me feel so listless and almost non-existent.

i often wonder if people in vanilla arrangements ever really enjoy how great it feels to serve others. i suppose some people might. after all, not everyone who is a natural submissive is in a bdsm-flavored relationship. but honestly, i think everyone everywhere could learn a lot about serving their fellow man. the feelings it brings are worth everything.

i was feeling so wonderful about serving Master yesterday that i reached a semi-euphoric state. everything felt ethereal and light. the feeling didn't last long, but it was the most wonderful feeling in the world. it's very hard to describe fully unless you've actually been in that kind of state. the only thing i can think to liken it to is being high on drugs, though it's not quite like that, since it's all in the brain chemicals and not outside influences. really quite a wonderful and powerful thing.

Saturday, January 10, 2009


Master and i don't have a full-time, 24/7 arrangement quite yet, though i know the both of us greatly desire it. unfortunately because of circumstances beyond our control, we're unable to proceed with that kind of arrangement. so we are as 24/7-as-we-can-get at the moment. and it works for us for now.

i've been reading anne rice's the claiming of sleeping beauty and am quite smitten with the fantasy presented in the book. for those unfamiliar with the novel, it's loosely based on the faerietale of sleeping beauty. only instead of the Prince marrying beauty, he claims her as a sex slave. the whole kingdom where he's from, in fact, takes princes and princesses in this manner to train them, but always returns them home, much wiser and better for their experiences spent in the kingdom.

and i was thinking about the fantasy of such an arrangement. it would be rather lovely, actually; to be able to be a slave full-time and have to always follow proper protocol. but the reason it's a fantasy is because, unless one is extremely rich, it has to end sometime, if even only to go to work to afford a place to live and food to eat.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Daily Tasks

Master has a list of daily tasks i must perform each and every day without fail. most of the tasks aren't difficult, just time consuming. journaling like this is one of those tasks, as a matter of fact.

i find that having tasks help me keep my day more organized and i actually do get more accomplished. before Master came up with daily tasks for me, i often got very few things done outside of what i needed to do for my daughter and mother and then what Master would ask of me in the moment. it's really helped out to have an outstanding list of things that i need to take care of everyday.

i often wish that he would task me with more difficult things, in fact. but i know Master wishes to help me move slowly into this lifestyle, so it doesn't completely overwhelm me. and i truly do understand this, as i know Master only looks out for my best interests. i just can't help but feel a bit stifled performing such basic tasks. all in good time, i suppose!

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Holding Back

i find that i hold myself back. a lot. not just for the sake of normal vanilla folk, but also i find that i hold back quite a bit with Master. i don't know if this is because i'm new to this lifestyle or if it's because i'm scared to fully open up to anyone. i tend to think it's a combination of the both, though the latter tends to be my bigger motivator. every time i've open up to someone, i've gotten the cold shoulder from them.

Master and i had a discussion regarding this, because i really don't like how i hold back things from him. out of everyone i know, he's the one i should be showing everything about myself to. but he does understand why i do it and he's helping to work with me in bringing my true self out in a more open atmosphere, if only as something to be shared between the two of us.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009


i sometimes feel that the scary kind of feminists must sometimes hate me. after all, i'm a submissive female who has consented to being Dominated by a male. i'm "setting women back" by allowing a male to dictate what it is that i'm allowed to do and what i'm not allowed to do. honestly, i just want to pull my hair out in frustration at people who think this.

firstly, i have always firmly believed that feminism is about fighting for women to be equal to men in every sense. many "feminists" i've met who have taken umbrage with my submission to Master feel women should often be superior to men.

secondly, isn't allowing women to choose their own paths the whole point of fighting for women's rights? i choose to be Master's pet. it was not forced upon me, nor is anything else in our relationship. everything that he gives me as a task is well within our agree-upon rules. and there is never any pressure whatsoever. if i am unable to perform a task for a legitimate reason (and by this, i mean more than just "i don't feel like it tonight, Master"), he understands and no further action is taken on his part (i.e. punishments for disobedience).

i think that a lot of people just buy into the mainstream ideology about this lifestyle without bothering to take a look at what it's really all about. unfortunately, that seems to be the truth of most things that people just don't understand.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009


i strive to find a balance between my life as a pet and my life as a non-pet. at times, it's very difficult, particularly when i have to put on my mommy hat or my caretaker hat. it drives me crazy at times because all i want to do is serve Master to my fullest capacity and, oftentimes, i feel like i'm robbed of that opportunity by outside influences.

i honestly worry if i will ever find the right kind of balance between it. but i'm sure, someday, i will. it's just that i'm so new to everything and i would love to just throw myself into it completely, regardless of the rest of my circumstances. but unfortunately, i can't do that.

Monday, January 5, 2009


trust is important in any relationship, but i think it's even more so in a relationship such as what i have with Master. firstly, we're in two different countries at the moment. that's not to say we've never seen each other in real life; we have and have both spent time at the other's house. secondly, i put a lot of my own trust in him with my service to him. i trust implicitly in his direction and instructions, just as i trust him to not hurt my heart.

but on the opposite side, i know he trusts me as well. he trusts me to serve him in the capacity that we have agreed upon. and he also trusts me not to hurt his heart. and it's because of this mutual trust that things are able to work as smoothly as they do. but really, you do have to really trust someone to allow them to tie you up or spank you without any real physical or emotional harm.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Breaking Down Communication

not between Master and myself, i mean. but it seems to me as if being in this lifestyle has helped to break down communications between myself and my more vanilla friends. and for the life of me, i can't understand why.

if someone doesn't agree with the practices of another, that's one thing. but to completely cut that person out of your life and not speak to them? that's hurtful and really rather unnecessary. my lifestyle doesn't affect anyone else except Master and myself. i don't try to persuade others to join into our lifestyle, nor do i talk badly about those not in it.

honestly, i wish more people tried to understand. but it seems as if, in most things, people are more content to be closed minded than open and understanding. and although i've, in the past, tried to help those that are now no longer speaking to me understand a bit more about this lifestyle, it was obviously not enough to prevent them from even saying "hi" to me every now and again.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Keeping Secrets

i don't like keeping secrets from Master. but because of a position that a "friend" put me in last night, i feel as if i'm forced to. i told him the situation and he said he won't push me to tell him, but i still feel horrible about it.

i guess it would be different if it were one of those "shh, don't tell him what i'm getting him for his birthday" kind of secrets. but that's not what this is. this is one of those "don't tell him what i'm doing because i don't think he'd approve" kind of secrets. and it makes me extremely uneasy to have to keep this from Master.

and on the other hand, this same "friend" has also said that this is a test to see if i'm trustworthy. he says he doesn't completely distrust me, but it still hurts that i must be tested, particularly by someone that's not Master. i owe this person nothing. but really, this is so difficult for me. i'm just glad Master is kind and understanding and isn't pushing it, but this is really driving me crazy.

Friday, January 2, 2009


i've noticed that, since becoming Master's pet, i've learned to be a lot more humble. even up to a year ago, i was much more arrogant and self-centered. i was looking back at an event that happened awhile back between an old friend and i. i have to admit that i truly acted poorly and ended up losing a friend. i will say that it wasn't entirely my fault, but i know that at least half of it was.

i think, had the same altercation happened today instead of a year ago, things would have gone differently. and i truly believe it's because Master has helped me become a more humble creature than i was before. and it's a lesson well learned. humility has gotten me a lot further than being arrogant and conceited ever did.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

New Year

Master and i have been discussing rules and duties and one of the ones we've come up with is that i am to write about my journey as his pet. it will help keep my mind in the correct mindset as well as help me expel any feelings i have about all of this. i am to write everyday, so i hope i have the support of those who are along for the ride as well.

i started as Master's pet over two years ago now. we've been taking things slowly for my benefit, as this is my first time in this kind of relationship, but not his. he has given me a collar that i deeply cherish. we are as 24/7 as we can be, considering we're in two different countries at the moment, as well as we have a daughter that i take care of full time.

so this journey is likely to be an interesting one. thank you for joining me on it.