Thursday, September 17, 2009

So let me explain what's been going on.

Things have kind of gone downhill a bit for me. i'm starting to feel i'm undeserving again, particularly because when i call people that are being paid to help me for help, they don't return my calls. So if people whose job it is to help me don't even want to help me, what hope do i have for everyone else?

i try to work on my self esteem. But it feels that, no matter what, there are always people who want to drag me down. And that sucks. Mostly, it's myself that i'm in constant battle with. i'm so used to being beaten down that a small part of me wants to stay there with what it knows, even though it'd be better for me to just move on.

In the end, i ended beating myself up, quite literally. i've got bruises up and down my right arm, including bruises on the tips of my fingers. my forehead split open after headbutting the wall (which also broke). This isn't a good thing. In fact, this is quite possibly the worst thing i think i could ever do to myself short of stabbing myself again.

But i also don't like opening up to people, because a) i feel as if i don't deserve it and b) i feel as if the people i open up to will end up hurting me, intentionally or not.

i'm just lost.

1 comment:

May said...

I've so been there. Bashing my head up against the wall, cutting myself all over so I could watch myself bleed and totally incapable of reaching out to people when those I tried to reach out to wouldn't respond.

Sometimes you just have to let it all out and reach bottom before you can climb out again.

I'm sending you love and hope and wishing for you to find the things that make you so unique and needed in our world. Take comfort knowing that no one can do what you can do - find what that is and pour yourself into it.

I know this is so insufficient but you have my support.