Sunday, May 10, 2009


i was assigned by one of the counselors i've been working with to write about significant memories of my past. This isn't an easy task for me and it's definitely one that i really don't feel that i'm up to quite yet. My past certainly isn't the happiest, which is why i've got PTSD caused by trauma and abuse.

Mostly, i'm afraid to dredge up old memories that i put away for a reason. i don't want to remember these things. They're in the past and, while they cannot physically hurt me, it still triggers terrible things in me. i went ballistic the other day when a bad memory triggered my anger and i just blew up.

i understand that this exercise is to find out where all my feelings come from, to find out why i'm such an angry and bitter person. But i know where: my father. i don't need to think about the time that he broke my back at the age of 8 and how i felt scared and angry about it. i don't need to think about how, at my high school graduation, he told me what a disappointment i was because i wasn't Valedictorian (my GPA was 3.8, certainly nowhere near the 4.6 our class' Valedictorian earned).

And there are a million more memories like these. But they're things that do me no good to remember. i can't change them and i've already learned what i can from them, even if it was the wrong thing. Which is why i'm working now to retrain my brain into separating my father's shit from my own issues. i just don't think remembering it all is the way to go about it. But maybe i'm the one in the wrong and i'm going about this the wrong way. But i have to say, even Master doesn't insist that i push this too far because of the negative reprecussions that this can have on my health.


Riff Dog said...

I'm sorry you have so many bad memories like that. That's awful to not get approval from your parents.

I hope whatever path you choose (remember or don't remember) helps.

Lilikka said...

Thank you very much for the encouragement.