Sunday, March 8, 2009


Lately, i think there's been a bit of a communication misfire between Master and i. i've noticed that it's been happening since all my therapy has been more intense. Part of what the counselor has been talking to me about is how insecure people draw in more insecure people and how she's worried about me being in a relationship right now while i still have healing to do from previous relationships. Obviously, i don't tell her the less... mainstream side of my relationship with Master. That would be opening a whole 'nother can of worms that i'm just not willing to deal with. At least not with someone that isn't actually IN my relationship.

The hard part is that there's a scared and hurt part of me that is pulling back from everyone in an effort to never be hurt again. But, through personal experience, i know that that's not the answer, so i'm fighting within myself as to what to do. i love Master. i love what he does to me, both in a physical and an emotional sense. With his help, i've discovered parts of me that have made me feel whole. But how does one explain this to someone who is only concerned about my mental well-being? She doesn't say what she does to be malicious, only to warn me about the dangers that can be out there.

And, while i appreciate it, i feel it's a bit intrusive. Particularly because i AM pulling back from Master. i've been sleeping the whole weekend away because i just don't know what else to do. And, for the time being, he's been gracious and allowing me to do so. But i don't know if that's really the best thing, in afterthought. i really should have approached him further with my feelings on all of this. We've discussed it before, sure, but i don't know if i really explained how i felt. And since i use this blog as a way to open a dialogue between us that i'm normally too scared to bring up, i hope that's exactly what happens tonight after he reads it. Wish me luck.


Sub Sweet said...

Oh honey, I understand all too well about pulling away. I've done so a few times. My journal to TM has helped tremendously. Writing for me helps tremendously. I've never been one for blurting out what's on my mind, instead I bottle it up. Which isn't good.

I wish you luck, and hope that he does what any good Master does, pushes you to open up. Do you have a private space for the both of you to dialog in? If not it might be a good idea. I've found that going back and reading His words helps me when I feel lost or insecure.


Lilikka said...

Generally, we verbally discuss whatever i've written here. And we did discuss my pulling away last night and it helped. But thank you so much for your words and well wishes.