i am, as i have always been, a creature of extremes. i have a difficult time finding a balance between things, whether it's my mixed heritage, my sexual desires, my morals, and even my submission. But i know that a balance must be had, because it's dangerous emotionally to swing back and forth between things.
Of course, just knowing this doesn't make it any easier to do it. i was speaking with my therapist today regarding my mixed heritage and how i struggle with a balance. i don't feel as if i belong to either "world" and it's frustrating. My submission is like that in a lot of ways as well. i don't know too many other people in this lifestyle and i'm forever comparing myself to those that i do know. i'm a novice, a baby, compared to most of them and it's frustrating because i feel like maybe i just don't belong.
But that's just silly. i belong because i have a desire and a willingness to submit to Master. That's all the "permission" i really need. But it's still difficult for me to feel welcomed. And, while no one has been overtly rude to me, some of the remarks feel a bit... underhanded. So i've tended to distance myself from people, once again creating a feeling of not belonging.
i'll just keep plugging on, trying to find my way and a place i can say is "home," but until i do, i feel restless.