Can't sleep. Something earlier today triggered my memories of when my ex-husband raped me. It only happened once, but i never worked through it, so it sometimes still haunts me. A lot of time, i still feel it's my fault, even though i know in my head it's not. my heart doesn't feel it, though.
Of course, he denied it when i brought it up later, when i first left him. He doesn't see that it was rape. As far as he's concerned, my "duty" as his wife was to have sex whenever he wanted it, despite how i felt. But when someone says no, and you do it anyway, it's rape.
The worst part is, he knew that was my biggest fear, especially after seeing my mom raped at gunpoint when i was a child. And for him to deny that it happened, it's almost as if i just imagined it. But i can still see it so vividly in my mind. i don't want to get into the details, not in such a public space, but it was horrible. The thing that haunts me the most is that, after it was over and he had spent his load on me, he put his clothes on and walked out of the room, leaving me there, naked and vulnerable. It was the single most degrading thing i have ever endured in my life.
Even now, over five years later, i still get horrible dreams, sometimes of Master doing the same thing. i don't have any reason to believe he would ever do anything like that to me, but it scares me. i don't ever want to be that dehumanized again.
It's really difficult for me to talk about this. But i just need to get it out because if i keep holding it in, it won't go anywhere. And, really, i don't want response to this. It's not a cry for help or for attention. i just want to get it off my chest. i don't want this to change how people see me, because i'm still me, whether this is known or not. i guess that's why i'm so scared of sharing it with the world. Because the few people i have told it to, nearly all of them treated me differently after.
i can't stop shaking. i think i just need some warm milk, some calming music, and sleep.