Saturday, August 1, 2009

Safety net

i'm trying to get used to living life without a safety net. For the past few years, i've always lived like i have one, keeping everything at arm's length. But it was lonely. And painful. And, if there's anything i've learned between Master and group therapy, it's that if you keep doing the same thing, you keep getting the same results.

Truth be told, even being in a relationship with Master feels a bit outside of my safety net. i'm so afraid of being hurt. But i have a deep-seated desire to serve Master and be with him and devote myself to him, and it's a desire that won't be denied. Nonetheless, it's a bit intimidating at times. There are many times where i feel i'm just not good enough for Master.

Of course, he doesn't feel this way. Or he says he doesn't, which i believe, because he won't lie to me. But i often feel that i don't reach up to this invisible standard that i've set to myself. i just don't know what else i can do to change the way i think about things.

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