Monday, August 17, 2009

Still afraid of failure

i'm still so afraid of failure. It's not even funny at this point. i worry constantly about letting Master down, about letting the imp down, about letting mom down. It's funny, because i no longer worry about letting myself down, because i feel like i let myself down all the time anyway. i make too many mistakes.

Of course, this is just more baggage from the past. But i have no idea how to give myself permission to fail. i'm mostly human, sure, and i'm allowed to make mistakes. It doesn't make it any less frightening to me. And there's not even any real reason why, at least not now.

i've got no idea how i'm going to change my thinking about all this. Master speaks with me on this subject quite a lot and still, i can't change how i think about it. Even with something as silly as video games, i push myself over, forcing myself to hurry through them, almost sucking all the fun out of it. i just don't know how to forgive myself.

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