Can't sleep. Something earlier today triggered my memories of when my ex-husband raped me. It only happened once, but i never worked through it, so it sometimes still haunts me. A lot of time, i still feel it's my fault, even though i know in my head it's not. my heart doesn't feel it, though.

Of course, he denied it when i brought it up later, when i first left him. He doesn't see that it was rape. As far as he's concerned, my "duty" as his wife was to have sex whenever he wanted it, despite how i felt. But when someone says no, and you do it anyway, it's rape.

The worst part is, he knew that was my biggest fear, especially after seeing my mom raped at gunpoint when i was a child. And for him to deny that it happened, it's almost as if i just imagined it. But i can still see it so vividly in my mind. i don't want to get into the details, not in such a public space, but it was horrible. The thing that haunts me the most is that, after it was over and he had spent his load on me, he put his clothes on and walked out of the room, leaving me there, naked and vulnerable. It was the single most degrading thing i have ever endured in my life.

Even now, over five years later, i still get horrible dreams, sometimes of Master doing the same thing. i don't have any reason to believe he would ever do anything like that to me, but it scares me. i don't ever want to be that dehumanized again.

It's really difficult for me to talk about this. But i just need to get it out because if i keep holding it in, it won't go anywhere. And, really, i don't want response to this. It's not a cry for help or for attention. i just want to get it off my chest. i don't want this to change how people see me, because i'm still me, whether this is known or not. i guess that's why i'm so scared of sharing it with the world. Because the few people i have told it to, nearly all of them treated me differently after.

i can't stop shaking. i think i just need some warm milk, some calming music, and sleep.

People never cease to amaze me. Just when i'm feeling like utter crap, both physically and mentally, the world shows me how wonderful its inhabitants can be. Not only did Master and i have a very important talk and he reassured me that he will stand by my decision, but just when i was feeling unloved and unwanted, others comforted me when i whined about feeling ill.

i guess my bad moods really can be ridiculous at times. Not that i ever really doubted that, but still.

Either way, i think an early bed ought to be in order for tonight. i'll talk to Master about it once he's out of the shower.

Today has been pretty rough. i've been easily overwhelmed by everything and i feel worthless. i know Master wouldn't want to hear that, but i can't really help how i feel in this matter. i think it's also PMDD, partially. It's the right time of the month to be feeling like this, at any rate, though i hate blaming my bad moods on something biological and not taking accountability for my own feelings.

i can tell Master has been trying to make sure i keep my stress reduced today. And i do appreciate it, but at the same time, i don't know if i enjoy feeling like he's... coddling me, i guess. i want him to treat me as normal as possible, especially when i'm like this. It really helps me feel as though right now is any other time. But i know that he does it because he doesn't want me to get even more anxious and stressed. And i appreciate it, even if i don't always agree with it.

i feel a bit of a bitch today. Though i know it would be morally better to accept the apology, i feel as if i just can't. i'm too angry, and Master's integrity was insulted. She's really quite lucky it wasn't in person she said this, or i would have slapped her, though it might upset Master to hear that.

In more pleasant news, Master and i both had eerily similar dreams today. i want to work towards what we saw in our dreams, as it's something that i've been desiring for a long time. It would be quite wonderful to be able to be fully open with our kinks and our lifestyle and not have people judge us. Unfortunately, i just don't think that society as a whole is ready for that.

Also, it seems as though i've found some projects to undertake for myself. It will be fun to see if i can pull them off.

Things have been so nice lately. There is a decided lack of drama that i'm finding absolutely delicious. Of course, this may also mean it's a bit boring at times, but i'd rather have boredom than drama any day of the week!

Master and i have seemed to develop quite a mind sync and we're discovering that the distance isn't dampening its effects. We often have similar thoughts at the same time. It's interesting, since i've never had this closeness with anyone. i honestly think that the drama has only served to bring us closer, since we're a partnership and we work together.

my brain really isn't thinking well enough to write anything worth a damn right now :T

So things are a bit more worked out between Master and i. i'm just glad things remain unchanged between the two of us, despite the bad situation that happened last night. A cooling off period will probably be the best thing.

i guess what hurt me so badly about the situation isn't so much how it affected me, but the implications that it had on Master's integrity as Master. He is the one who decides how much and when the affection will come. If he isn't showing as much affection towards me or anyone else, that's because he has his reasons not to and he should be trusted. Or, if it's that necessary, it should be brought up to him, not to a third party.

And that, i think, is the true rub of it all. i trusted Master enough to know that he would show me love and affection when he felt it needed to be shown, but she couldn't handle that. i'm sure she wanted Master all to herself, but the connection between Master and i is soul-deep and that's not something that someone else can take away.

Things got... complicated today. i don't really want to talk too much about it, other than the fact that i'm relieved i'm not the cause of it for once.

And i'm also convinced i can't be friends with females for the most part. i tend to make many feel insecure or jealous and that's not something i tend to be very comfortable with. i don't mean to sound conceited, honestly.

Ugh, i'm not really mentally up for anything else tonight. It's almost curfew anyway.

Thank you all for the congratulations about our engagement! It means a lot to know that so many people wish us well.

Since then, i've been thinking a lot about the relationship between Master and myself. It's been interesting, to say the least. We've been together for the past three years and, while this hasn't been my longest relationship, it's certainly the most fulfilling. i've never felt so loved by anyone before, even while he's directing me to follow his orders (or, perhaps, i feel even more loved because of it?).

And we seem to keep adding new dimensions to it all the time. But it all works and only ever serves to enhance what we have, even if most people just wouldn't understand it.

It's been... strange adjusting to Master being gone. While we do have the internet as a medium in which to converse, i miss his presence.

But i've also come to realize just how much i'm ready to make a big step in my life. Master asked me to marry him and i've accepted. i want this so much more than anything else that i can possibly think of. And even though my last marriage was a disaster, i know it will be different with Master.

And, what's more, i have everyone's blessing this time around! My mom doesn't even mind that it means i'll be moving out of the country eventually. She knows that, with Master, i'll be safe and taken care of. That's a huge relief to me, since she never cared for my ex. And i could see why, but i was trying too hard to escape the life i was in with my father around to really care.

But this time, i'm marrying Master for the right reasons, not just because i want an escape. And that, i know, will make all the difference in the world.

Going to definitely have to start this back up now that Master isn't here. It helps me feel more connected to him.

He left this morning. It was one of the most heart breaking things i've ever had to do. i learned so much about myself in the short time that he was here. It's honestly quite a bit crazy to really sit back and think about it. Not only do i feel stronger as a person, i truly feel that i've accomplished more as Master's pet than i could have ever hoped for.

But what kills me more than anything right now is not being able to lean over and give him a back rub or massage his feet. my hands long for something, anything, to do with Master, so i figured that writing here would be the best for it, since this is also serving Master. i just hope he knows how much his pet thinks about him.

It's been awhile.

Master hasn't pushed me to blog since he's been here. We've mostly been trying to explore each other and our dynamic and find what works.

What i'm personally having difficulty with is accepting and realizing just how much Master truly loves me. Never before have i encountered anyone who is as accepting and loving to me as he is. When i thought that he was embarrassed to be with me, he just held me and explained how he is never embarrassed. i don't know.

This is all so new to me. As much as i hate to admit it, i've been through a lot of abuse in my life. So when someone is kind to me, i really have no idea how to react. It's pretty stupid, i think.

So i'll try to catch up on comments and start blogging again. i think if i had done it this past week, things would have been a lot less... overwhelming.