Ego

i sometimes think i have a problem with my ego. Take, for instance, fellatio. i happen to think i'm pretty good at it. But i've also never been able to get a guy off from it alone. Master assures me that, yes, i am quite satisfying at it, but i don't know. Just the fact that i've never been able to bring him, or any one, to a climax by oral alone makes me a bit... discouraged at my skills.

i just don't know where i stand with my ego, honestly. i hate to have it bruised by others, but when Master does things that are humiliating to me, i love it. It's the strangest thing to be turned on by degridation. Sometimes i wish, while we were out in public, he'd call me his little slut, just so i could blush and squirm at his words. But i know that if it were someone else calling me that, i'd be angry.

So, yeah. My ego is a strange beast.

Belief

Master and i had an amazing conversation tonight. It just goes to show me just how well the two of us mesh. He never laughs or teases me about the things i think that others would. i'm almost even afraid to ever write them out anywhere, for fear of being mocked. Even in a place where it's my own voice, such as this blog.

Maybe some day i'll be strong enough to just not care what the world at large thinks. i'm slowly getting there as it is about some of the more mundane stuff. But my personal, deep-seated beliefs are probably the stuff of most people's fantasy. They just happen to be very real for me.

Broke the chain

i forgot to blog yesterday, so there'll be two today. But i feel terrible for breaking the chain. i've blogged EVERY DAY since the beginning of the year. This is the longest i've actually done something every day that i promised i would do.

Master's not so upset over it, but i am. i just have to work at not messing up anymore.

Revelations

Master and i got some real relaxation time in tonight. After a day of me being anxious over various things, it was nice to just sit at his feet and watch a few episodes of Supernatural. Of course, it left off on the hugest cliffhanger ever, but Master said that was enough for the night.

It's strange, thinking upon that. When i was with my ex-husband, i would have been pissed if he told me i couldn't watch more of something i had on DVD and didn't have to actually wait to watch it. But when Master tells me it's enough, and even though i'm dying to see more, i have no problems obeying what he tells me.

i guess it's just a testament to how much this lifestyle is changing me. And it's changing me in ways that i'm really, really happy with. i never expected to really be this changed from the whole experience. It's a real honor to submit to Master.

Fighting ignorance, one person at a time

i had a really interesting discussion with someone outside of the lifestyle. He really didn't understand the concept of TPE and just what a sub or slave gets out of submitting to a Dom or Master. So while another girl berated him for not understanding, i took the time to patiently explain what it is that we do.

It was really good, actually. While he didn't necessarily agree with everything or even come to a complete understanding, he understood enough of it to say that he wasn't ignorant about the subject anymore. Which is good. i think the best way to fight ignorance is to have the patience to explain it to one person at a time. It might not be the fastest method, but it's certainly the best that i've come across.

Maybe if more people were educated about this lifestyle, there wouldn't be so many people determined to hide it from society. And i, for one, am tired about hiding what i am from people. Which is why i'm becoming more open with my friends about my submission to Master. And it's been really freeing.

Fetishes

Yesterday was hell. But that's not what tonight is about.

No, tonight Master wants me to share my fetishes. This is so awkward for me to share, because i'm not so good at explaining them to others. Some of my fetishes don't even make sense in my head.

Obviously, i'm into being dominated. That's probably my number one fetish right there. i cannot get off if i'm the one in control. It's not something i'm comfortable with. i mean, i've tried before with previous partners, but it just ended up being awkward and they had to take control in the end anyway.

i am masochistic in general, but pain in my erogenous zones is that much sweeter. Maybe it's like that for all masochists, but i've never met anyone else that's one. So, although pain given out of love is pleasurable, it's even moreso in certain areas, particularly my breasts. i don't think there's such thing as "too much pain" when it comes to my tits. At least, i've never come across anything that caused me to have to use a safe word regarding them.

i love to watch men masturbate. i don't know what it is, but there's something so... primal and masculine about it. Although i'm more attracted to the female form, watching a female masturbate just isn't as exciting for me as when a man does it.

i'm into watching bisexual porn. MMF is my favorite, but MFF is good, too. There's something beautiful about people who can appreciate the human body and the pleasures it can bring, despite the package that it's coming in (pardon the terrible, terrible pun).

There are other things that i'm into, i just can't think of them at the moment. i'm starting to get tired, but i think that thinking upon these beautiful, sexy thoughts will help me have wonderful dreams.

Shit sucks. Can't handle anything.