Violence

Does it always have to be an answer for everything? If there's anything in the world that i hate, it's violence, mostly because of my horrible childhood, where every day was a struggle against violence with my father. But really, there has got to be a better way. Using words to settle disputes. Agreeing to disagree. There isn't any real need for violence whatsoever.

And maybe this is funny, coming from a masochist like me, who enjoys spankings and bites and paddlings. But these aren't acts of violence to me. Instead, they're acts of love, no different than a kiss or a hug, as long as they're bestowed in a loving way.

This was all brought on by my daughter tonight. For months, she'd occasionally hit me when she didn't get her way. And i tried my best to talk to her, explain that it's not a good thing and then take away her privileges as punishment. But between yesterday and today, it escalated to where she was doing it for the hell of it, and then laughing about it. So i finally hit her back

i have never felt more despair at anything than the moment i realized what i had done. It absolutely sickened me to know that, out of anger, i struck someone. Not out of self-defense, as i've had need to in the past, but out of a terrible rage because this little girl had hit me and then laughed about it. But for all that, it did seem to have some kind of effect on her. i just hate the fact that it took a violent act to get her to react in the way i would have wanted her to act from the beginning. She actually said she was sorry without being forced into it.

i just wish it hadn't taken something like that for it to happen.